The toughest bitch

Lifting a weight - 20

The state of living from day to day, my hope being crushed whenever I enter the room lasted for a month. After that I stopped going into the room every morning. I hadn't given up hope fully, but I had lost big parts of it.

Clemens didn't understand the mood I was in, but he tried his best to keep my mind focussed on other things. We soon were good enough to take over some patrols though we still trained a lot. The new members of our pack had been included long ago and they started to feel at home.

I had only enough willpower to focus on the tasks at hand, not allowing my mind to wander off. But some nights, sleep wouldn't come and I lay in bed wide awake. When there was no task at hand, I couldn't stop the thoughts.

I couldn't help but remember how she had clung to me at her weakest. Couldn't keep my mind away from remembering her when I undressed her. Her legs in my sight, her bare throat and neck, so easy to access with my lips. I couldn't stop my mind to replay what happened in the shower. Her face on full display, her lips. Shivers ran through me whenever I remembered the kisses. The passion and even the lust.

It had been at the worst time in the wrong place but it had been perfect. My heart still accelerated just thinking about her. About her tan skin, her small hands on my skin, burning the place they touched. It overwhelmed me, crashed down on me like a tsunami and swallowed me whole. Leaving me in bed, shaking and gasping for air. How I missed those eyes, the warm honey colour which seemed so unfitting in her stone cold mask of a face.

It would be okay for me to just have her back as a commander. Have her back to glare at me and tell my team what to do. I would even take back the bitch I thought her to be if it was just for knowing she was alive. The unknowing was worse than any horror. How the heck had dad and Daniel managed to keep sane the time she was gone for over a year?

Would she come back like that again? Scared even more, bruised, skinny and wrecked?

Somehow I managed to pull myself away from those thoughts... most of the times going downstairs to train. Daniel had left the Pack a few days after arriving, getting back to sorting out the troops and running everything. The general had left with most of the men for the funeral. The squat came back without him. Losing their team member must have been hard, but they just put their energy in other things like I did. Engaging less with the pack though. They kept to themselves, trained when they were not training us and I never saw them play ball again.

The grief vanished from day to day, but new sadness washed over them whenever they got report from the monitor room.

Summer was ending and the days grew shorter. The fading warmth matched my feelings... the cold had crept into my bones when I heard Daniel tell me about his disappointment. It had never left me since.

After training I always stepped outside to have my hot skin meet the cold night air. Steam surrounded me and I enjoyed feeling it, feeling something other than the emotions keeping me awake.

Life looked dull to me. Food was tasteless. I felt like a working machine with no purpose. I had no future to look forward to. I would be Alpha and may or may not chose a Luna to aid me and the pack. But it wouldn't be the same as having my mate.

I had no idea what having a mate was like, but I had hopes and they had died. Back when I hadn't found my mate it was no big deal to be alone, but now... the bed felt huge and empty. I felt cold and no touch could warm me, not like she could. No female could grab my attention, I didn't even care when some enjoyed the last sunny days in short dresses.

"Hey Marvin" Clemens said, standing behind me in the cold autumn air "what are you doing up, again?" he asked. "Again?" I wondered, turning around to see him standing in the dim light from the gym. "I've heard or seen you out here quite a lot lately" he stated, pointing to his window just two floors above.