Librum de Periculum - CLOSED

Mind's Eye by @Aslan_lives

Cetador Package
*since your story comes in seven parts, I'll be reviewing two at a time, coming to about three portions of review*

The Truth of the Matter–Chapter 1
The first thing I see is some decent imagery—and a noun that should be possessive. It could be a typo, but keep an eye out for those!

Also, ellipses should be connected when connecting it to part of the same sentence...like so. It's not... like this. Notice how the correct way has "like" lowercase. That should be the case with all but proper nouns.

I like the ending! The premise you've established in this first part combined with the premise you've established in the blurb is vibrant, your style ominous and foreboding. I like it so far. I'm interested to see if you keep this style throughout your piece. I'm adding a point for that. Your total is one.

Overall, this part also feels more like a prologue than a "sneak peek". And since you've posted chapters after that, I suggest you label it as such. Let's move on to the first chapter.

So far, the "prologue style" is still there in italics, which I like. I think that is the virtual reality that you mentioned in the blurb, and I like that it's already being used and that it's already prevalent.

I spot a run-on sentence. Comment for clarification in terms of fixing this common writer's error. Many struggle with the same thing! I'll be glad to help.

Hm. I wish there had been a better transition between the part in the italics and the part in regular text. If it was intentional not to have it in italics, then I lost the meaning behind why you chose to do it that way. I can sense the italics having to do with the virtual reality thing, but I can't tell what the italics I referring to—or who it's referring to (the main character? The old woman?). Looking back on this after reading the entire first chapter, you seemed to imply that your character could see into minds, or read them, or something...? Even if I'm wrong, or even if you didn't mean that, clarity is needed.

I also spot a fragment. Once again, comment for further clarification and assistance fixing fragments.

It should be "anyway", not "anyways".

There! I just finished your first chapter (it was pretty short, by the way, something not recommended for full-length stories). For some reason, whether because of the style or because of the way you chose to write this chapter, it felt more like a sneak peek than the prologue. It felt like an excerpt that you'd choose to post on social media when advertising your story. The style that you write in also feels almost like a free verse story with all the one-line paragraphs. Your story would read better if you'd combine corresponding lines into bigger paragraphs. It's easier on the eyes and easier on your flow the more variation you put in terms of paragraph length, sentence length, and sentence structure (for instance, starting every sentence with a noun will start to get boring even if the plot is exciting because it's the same pattern over and over again). 

Furthermore, I suggest delving more into your character and into the scene. As a first chapter, your job is to connect the character with the readers in some way and establish conflict. You established the conflict, but I think your characterization needs more thought. 

There are a few more things about this first chapter, the primary thing being the lack of clarity I found in this chapter. I understand it's only the first chapter, but I shouldn't be confused enough to confuse this chapter with a prologue. Prologue confusion is normal, but first chapters have to really be careful not to get too unclear to read. The more information you withhold from your reader, the higher the chance becomes for them to put your book down. You didn't leave too much out this chapter, but the whole tone was extremely vague (which was why it felt like a prologue/sneak peek/free verse).  For all of those things, I'm taking away a point. Your total is zero.