Fix Me, I'm Broken by @SuperDuperSparkly

37 4 2
                                    

TitleYes, your title is nice

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Title
Yes, your title is nice. I like it.

Cover
I like the composition of your cover a lot. Did you make it yourself? It looks nice.

Blurb
Your blurb is quite nice, as well. Simple, yet extremely intriguing. Good job! I have all compliments for you so far. :)

For those accumulating good things, I'm going to give you three points off the bat! I can't remember the last time someone has nailed all three of these areas. Great job! Your current total is three.

*since your story comes in 19 parts, I'll be judging three parts at a time, coming to six portions*

But first, the introduction.

Introduction
For almost the first time since I can remember, an introduction is to be praised! The information you put in there is actually necessary! That makes me excited. There are a few grammar mistakes (as there usually is), but it doesn't interfere with the reading so far. +1 and you're at four!

Chapters 1-3
There's a bit of an issue with grammar and the like already. First of all, ellipses (...) need to be three dots...and they must be connected with a lowercase word like so. Second of all, be careful of run-on sentences. Many of them should be separated into two or more sentences or they could use some coordinating conjunctions. Third of all, you have some issues with tense. You seem to be writing in past tense, but every once and a while you switch to present. If writing in past tense is challenging for you, then consider writing in an easier one or take the challenge and make it correct. It really is your choice. For all of those errors, I'm taking off one point. Your total is three.

In these chapters, there are two concerns that I have. The first is that there's little to no context. I'm sure you wanted to make the first parts a bit vague (I always do that with my stories), but the readers need some information. We have no idea who the main character is or who the other characters mean to him/her. We don't know why he/she is doing all those kind of creepy things, either. Motivation is important. I expect a full explanation somewhere in your story, but us readers should know a bit more than you gave us. Be careful when revising those things because there are a lot of incorrect ways you could do it. I can give you more clarification if you ask, but for now I'll move on to the next concern. The second is that us readers are given no insight into the main character's emotion. Emotions are the core of all great stories. Emotion is what drives the readers to continue, and what drives the characters in everything. No emotion, no interest. Careful about these things! -1 point and your total is two.

Chapters 4-6
Again with the motivation thing. We need to know. Another thing is that you haven't quite explained the predicament. Where are these characters anyway? Who are these characters? Obviously they're not in their hometown. Angel is obviously famous, but in what way? Mack is well known too. Why? How did this happen? Didn't the main character know this was going to happen? Why didn't he/she do something about Mack and Angel beforehand? Why act now? It doesn't make much sense to me. Either change it or add context.

Also, why wouldn't Angel know Laine's name? Isn't Laine Mack's closest friend second to her? Wouldn't they have hung out previously? I don't know if I buy it. -1 point for both those things and your total is one.

Chapters 7-9
Wow! The end of Chapter 7 was so unexpected! I really enjoyed the surprise, but perhaps describe the main character's motivation behind doing it. Why did he/she feel like he/she had to do it? I think adding that would really amplify the surprise. Still, one point for the surprise. Total—two.

You take an entire seven chapters to change point of views. I think that point of views should be evenly distributed as to not take away from each character's importance. I do this in one of my stories, Trident, across four characters, actually. I try my best to spread it out evenly.

Chapters 10-12
"Alot" is not a word. It should be "a lot." Common error.

I liked Chapter 10 very much, even though some of it was a repeat from the last chapter. Consider taking out the repeat and simply adding new plot. Careful with run-on sentences again, as well. Good job with that chapter, though! I think it is one of your best in this story so far. +1 and you're at three.

It has taken eleven chapters to introduce to us the name and gender of the abductor of Mack even though that character (Laine) was the first character ever mentioned to us readers. Was this on purpose or do you think you should mention it earlier? Also, you never put the point of view headers in the chapters from Laine's point of view. Was this on purpose, as well? Sometimes it makes me forget or question who the narrator is.

I also think that in Chapter 11 that you should definitely describe more of Mack's emotions. She just got abducted by one of her closest friends, someone that she trusted and someone that she really liked. Show that pain and feeling of betrayal. You could make it into a very powerful scene if you did these things.

Chapter 12 was very enjoyable, as well, but I feel like you could have made this scene more powerful with actions and emotions, too. Little things, like perhaps the slightest hesitation before attacking Angel, or a sniffle from Mack's crying as she holds up the gun (where did she get the gun anyway?). Don't forget to add emotion, too. Emotion is the most powerful tool of an author. Use it!

Chapters 13-15
I won't repeat everything, but I have the same advice for Chapter 13: expressions and emotions. Won't it hurt being shot and sliced anyway? Reveal to us that pain, and the emotional conflict churning within them. Mack's feelings of betrayal and clear confusion as to why Laine would ever want to hurt her can make this powerful as well as Laine's feelings of desperation. This could become a really brilliant scene if you use these tools. I'm going to take off two points for repeating the same things over the course of three chapters. Your new total is one.

Chapter 14 was way better, but could still use some of the things I talked about in previous chapters. At the end, consider taking out the "little did I know" statement. You spoiled it—just make it a surprise! Make the readers go in shock that Mack might have just killed Laine. Then, relieve them in the next chapters. That way you'll get more of a reaction from your readers (and it'll be more enjoyable to read). -1 and you're at zero.

On the other hand, Chapter 15 was a surprise! Congratulations on that! +1 and you're at one again.

Chapters 16-18
I liked the ending, actually. I liked how you didn't just resolve everything, and I love how you made Laine and Mack's goodbye feel incomplete but final at the same time. That was great! Good job. +1.

Overall, SuperDuperSparkly got two points! The most common errors you had were run-on sentences and not using your tools to make scenes powerful. Take advantage of those tools—use them to nail your scenes! If you need more clarification on fixing any of those parts with those tools, let me know. I'd be happy to help.

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