"The Risk Book"
CLOSED
All feedback contained here is pure opinion; some of these opinions have changed over time as the reviewer has since received professional training, but this book remains posted for the authors to look back on. Use discretion...
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Title The title is fine. Simple, vague, and specific.
Cover Well, I can't very well judge a cover I made myself—that would just be unfair. I do love this cover, though, if I can say anything about it. It's actually around four images compiled together! To the readers: if you like the cover that you see and would like one of yours for yourself, head on over to my Cover Shop!
Blurb I quite like your blurb. It's very professional (except for the couple of comma and run-on sentence issues) and well thought-out. Very nice. +1 for professionalism. Your blurb sounded almost as if it was on a real, published story (aside from the grammar mistakes).
*since your story comes with only two parts, I'll be judging those separately*
Prologue: part one Are both of the parts I've reviewed really both prologues? I feel like you could combine the two (especially after revising the first part). I feel shafted from the real plot! Oh, well— your prologue(s) is a/are necessary and critically important element(s).
You switch between the names Kyle and Greg one time. I think you maybe originally had Greg as Kyle's name, but then decide story change it to Kyle and forgot to change that one instance.
This might be a glitch, but sometimes you'll be in the middle of a paragraph
And then you just make a new one like that. Don't do what I just did! This is a consistent error in your story.
I really enjoy your writing style. You execute color and plot advancement with ease. Nice work! +1 for that!
I like how you use LORD instead of God or Lord. I'm assuming you know the Hebrew difference between them. I like that you chose that one. However, you don't need to capitalize God. GOD isn't found in the Bible and has no special meaning different than just God. I do like that you transitioned from LORD to God. The meaning of the names add a really cool effect! +1 for that speciality. Two is your total.
You have too many "Little did I know" phrases. Instead of saying that, just have the next scene be a complete surprise—to the readers and to the character! It'll make things more exciting. Those questions that us readers have while reading spurs curiosity—don't answer those questions earlier than you have to. -1 for that, your new total being one.
I think that when you describe Zoey being in hell, you should describe her emotions more than anything. I don't know what it's like in hell, obviously, but I think that the agony would be so unbearable that the person wouldn't even care about his/her surroundings. Do you disagree? If you're going to describe the worst place possible and the worst agony and pain possible, you should do it vividly. It should be terrifyingly life-like. I think you can do this, from what I've seen of your style.
I also have a bit of a complaint, and it's with the format of your chapters. You switch point of views so much that it's hard to keep track of who's narrating. Also, when you do switch, the portion of text that that character has is extremely short. I would stick with one point of view per chapter. However, do not make your parts really short and do not just divide your parts into a ton of short chapters just so you can have everything in order. Maybe the "flashbacks" could simply be in the narrative and italicized as true flashbacks. Maybe Kyle's true feelings aren't revealed until way, way later in the story (meaning to cut out that part). Choose what's the reader absolutely needs to know. I'm going to take another point off for that. Zero is your new total.
Prologue: part two I feel like Zoey "getting out of hell" should be way more earth-shattering than it is. I mean, the most agonizing pain (not just physical, but emotional, mental, and spiritual pain) possible has just been lifted. She should be crying at least—kissing the ground, etc. You name it, she has to do it. Tears of joy from being released from that terrible bondage at the very minimum. Describe that. It should be extremely emotional—the most emotional. It's a huge deal.
Why would you make the weird language thing forms of currency (£¥€)? Why not just make one up, or copy and paste Google translate Arabic, or something? You have resources that can be easily accessed. Use them!
I don't understand the death of the one woman. I don't get the significance of it. I understand her bitterness toward Zoey, but that's it. I don't get why she had to die and why she held any other significance. Care to explain? I'm curious to see what you intended.
Also, this whole time I didn't know that Zoey was a member of ISIS. A good twist, admittedly, but do you think you know enough about them to understand the inner workings of them and what being a soldier in their forces would be like? If I have any advice from my past experiences, it's that you shouldn't write something you don't know about or couldn't find resources and facts about that would help you effectively and accurately write a novel. Especially sensitive topics like ISIS. You may offend a person of Muslim faith by putting this in there, as well, as many Muslims don't agree with ISIS and their ideologies, as well. I'm sure you've already thought about this. I'm just telling you to be careful and know your facts. Be an expert, because someone will come along and read your story, only to find factual flaws. Then, your work will be debunked. We never want that! I can speak from experience: my friend and I tried to do a collaborative piece of writing where one of the main characters lived in Syria and was a victim of ISIS. However, there weren't enough resources for us to effectively write it. We ended up discontinuing the story because of the conflict. The issue was too recent and sensitive for us to write. Perhaps in the future, you'll run into the same problem.
Overall, Angelicministries got zero points! I think part of it is because of how short the story you submitted was. You didn't give me a really good look into the plot like longer ones do. However, the positive of that is that now you have some really in-depth things to think about and you have things the fix and revise before you even begin the real story. That's a huge advantage, in my opinion. Simply make sure you choose what the reader knows specifically and that you know what moments are big deals (and if they are, nail those scenes and make the readers experience the same emotion!). Of course, grammar will always be an issue for everyone, but the biggest things you have to work on are the latter. :)
