An Inconvenient Attachment

Chapter Thirty One

I was beginning to grow fearful. My hopes of Jason and Avery working together to change their father was nothing but a nightmare. Jason kept Avery a secret from his father, as she requested. She wanted to confront their father on her own time, although, I knew better. I knew she wouldn't. If she couldn't even face Jason, what made me think she'd face her father?

I tried my hardest not to think of it. It was no longer my business. I had far better things to worry about than their family drama.

Oh yeah, like what, Beth? Your non-existent love-life?

"I didn't think you'd call me so soon after a fight," my mother said over the phone, clearly still holding a grudge. 

I sighed, I didn't even want to deal with her anger. "I'm sorry, okay?" I told her, my voice cracking. "Mom...I-I...I just don't know what to do."

I leaned against my kitchen counter, crying pathetically, praying to god Jason wouldn't waltz in at this time. My heart felt so heavy, it hurt. Whatever feeling I had towards Jason only grew stronger the more I saw him, talked to him; it unsettled me. I no longer knew what to do. I was completely hopeless. My mind screamed to me everyday not to fall for someone again, ever, yet, here was my heart, betraying my minds trust. I could tell now that I was falling for the man. The tall, muscular, Greek God I called my boss, the man described in every hot romance story, the man of every woman's wet dream, the man I only fantasized about; I was setting myself up for disaster.

I could almost taste the heartbreak and heartache from these feelings. I knew better than to do this to myself but I couldn't get rid of the ache in my heart every time I saw the man now. I could no longer hide it or fight it and it terrified me. 

"Beth?" my mom called, her voice immediately changing to worry. "Beth, honey? What's the matter baby? Tell me, what happened?"

"It'd be easier if I told you in person," I whispered. "Can I come over this weekend?"

. . .

After work Friday evening I drove straight to my parents' house. I left a note for Jason on the kitchen counter and left for the weekend. I arrived to their little home late that evening and engulfed my mom in a tight embrace, already beginning to cry.

"Dammit, Beth. I wish you would come see me more often, I wish you would let me know what's wrong," she said, ushering me inside. "Your father is out gaming, the evening is all ours."

We settled in the living room, the two of us enjoying some wine as I explained to her everything that'd been happening.

"It just feels like ever since I met the man my life has been turned completely upside down, my home isn't empty anymore, work isn't boring anymore, and their family drama is definitely a change of pace," I told her, rubbing my eyes. "But...I just didn't think it'd get to be so overwhelming."

"He's a beautiful man, you didn't honestly believe he'd be perfect, did you?"

"Yeah, well, it would've made everything easier."

She laughed at that, her eyes holding a beautiful sparkle as she looked at me. "I'm so happy," she said, almost looking to be on the brink of tears. "I thought you were scared off for good. I can't believe you fell for a man so...handsome."

"Yes, yes, I know the men I've dated before have been ugly but that doesn't change anything mom," I said sharply. "He probably doesn't even feel the same way, I mean, how could he? Look at me."

"Don't say that," she snapped. "You are beautiful, Beth. You always have been."

I rolled my eyes. "It's alright, mom. I've already come to terms with the cold hard truth. There's no way he'd actually love me."

"Don't say that about yourself, Beth, you don't know what he feels. He could be feeling the same damn way about you."

"Seriously? A guy like him?" I scoffed. "Yeah, maybe in my wildest dreams he'd actually love me. I really don't want to fool myself. That only makes it hurt even more."

"You shouldn't just jump to conclusions," she said. 

"It's safer that way."

"That's your problem," she began. "You don't listen to your heart. You listen to your head. You can't listen to your head when you're in love, you listen to your heart."

That was the problem, I couldn't hear my heart. It was spitting things out so fast I couldn't even process them and, frankly, I didn't want to.

"You can't be afraid to love forever, Beth," she whispered, her voice breaking. "You'll just be unhappy. Nathan isn't coming back."

"And what makes you think Jason isn't just another Nathan?" I knew it wasn't true before I even said the words. Jason never appeared to be the abusive type, then again, neither did Nathan when I first met him. "You don't get it, mom. I loved Nathan. I thought he was the one, that I'd start a family with him..." my voice broke tears streaming down my face as I openly admitted all of this for the first time to my mother. "He was my longest relationship. He made me feel so good, I trusted him and look what he did to me. How can you expect me to trust anyone after all of that? You think I just want to jump into a relationship half-assed? No, I won't and I never will."

"Not every man is Nathan."

"But every man has the potential to be Nathan. Can't you see my paranoia mom?"

"Look, I get it. You're lucky I didn't kill him. I would've been the one to go to jail after finding out he'd been beating you but you can't compare every man to him, Beth."

"I can and I will," I said stubbornly. "Look, I just don't think I can handle anymore heartache. I promised myself not to get into this situation but...here I am."

"I don't know what else I can tell you, Beth," she said. "You have to do what you think is best. Maybe what you need to do is tell him how you feel so you can get over him, if that's what you want.

Now that wasn't a bad idea at all. Maybe that's what I needed to do. If telling him the feeling I had for him could ease my heart I was ready to do it. I hated this feeling, it confused me and it was inconvenient. I didn't want to love someone, I didn't want to be in love with someone I knew I couldn't have. It made all of this all the more painful. This is why I had given up finding anyone because I hated the feeling of disappointment.

Having this feeling made me feel even more self-conscious about myself. I wasn't nearly as pretty enough to be with Jason but, what was pretty enough? I wasn't the model type. I had a pooch, thick thighs, cellulite for Christ's sake--I wasn't pretty at all. I just wanted him to reject me and get it done with so I no longer had to tear myself apart because of my feelings for him.