i'm sorry | ethan dolan

not even a little bit

chapter twenty five  
——mackenzie's pov
november 11th, 2019

i was beaming nonstop over the standing ovation and the third curtain call when i burst into the backstage area with the rest of the cast. everyone was laughing and shouting, whooping it up, screaming out their relief, exhaling the last of their nerves. the whole performance had gone off without one single hiccup. well, unless you count the fact that puck had his wings on backward for the first act and kept knocking trees and bushes over with them. but i couldn't believe i hadn't forgotten a single line. that i hadn't tripped over my gown once, or slid off that fake rock i had to sleep on—something i'd done way too many times in dress rehearsal.

"we did it!" jacob shouted, carrying me up by the waist and twirling me. "you were amazing!"
"so were you!" i said, reaching back to keep my floral wreath from slipping off my hair. "but you almost made me laugh, stupid!" i hit his arm as someone jostled me from behind trying to get to their parents.

"i know, i know! i'm so sorry!" he put his hands over his eyes for a second. "my little brother came running down the aisle and started making faces at me. you couldn't see him from where you were standing, but i almost lost it and then you almost lost it and...yeah. that was no good." he looked around at the already packed backstage area, which was rapidly becoming more crowded with friends and family, boyfriends and girlfriends. "where is that little bugger? i have to kick his scrawny ass."

i laughed, my face stretched tight from all the smiling. i felt like i was never going to stop smiling. over jacob's shoulder, i saw my mom, john, quinn, and my dad elbow their way into the mayhem. my dad held a huge bouquet of colorful flowers. behind them were veronica and david, who had a single rose. i stood on my toes, looking for ethan. had he brought me flowers too? but the next person through the door was an elderly man, being helped along by a younger guy. then a mom i'd seen lurking around during rehearsals some days. then faith's mom and her little brothers. but where the heck was ethan?

"so, where's the crown prince of west morris central high?" jacob asked, apparently noticing his absence as well.
"he's here," i said confidently, but my brow knit. "somewhere."
"mackenzie!" my mom shouted, finally singling me out in the crowd.
"i better go," i told jacob. "i'll see you at the party!"
"i'll be there," he replied.
"really?" i said.
he started to say "no," but caught himself and pointed at me as he backed away. "you almost got me!" he laughed. i giggled as i slipped past him, dodged puck's wayward wings, ducked as jane cantor flung herself at her boyfriend, and found myself in my mom's arms.

"you were unbelievable! i'm so proud of you," she said, kissing the top of my head.
"who knew we had two stellar actresses in the family?" john commented, referring to quinn and her community theater experience. he reached out for a one armed squeeze around my shoulders. i saw my dad's jaw clench at the contact and quickly slipped out of it.

"awesome job," quinn said. "i was surprised."
"thanks!" i said, choosing to ignore the dig.
i turned to my father, who wrapped me up in a hug and presented me with the flowers. "you out acted everyone else on the stage."
"dad!" i said, blushing. "they can hear you."
everyone laughed. david handed me the rose, and veronica held out her program to me.
"what?" i asked, looking at the wrinkled mess.
"can i have your autograph?" she asked, breathless.

"ha ha," i said drily. i tripped sideways as one of the moms shoved past me. "have you guys seen ethan?" veronica bit her lip and david averted his eyes. suddenly my smile wasn't quite so wide anymore. "what?"
"i'm not sure he ever showed," david said.
"maybe he was in the back," veronica added as my face fell.
"yeah. it's not like he would've sat with us anyway," david pointed out.

it was a nice try, but i knew he hadn't come. if he had, veronica would have seen him. she never missed anything. i felt like a black pit of tar was slowly forming in my stomach area, expanding to engulf everything. looked like jacob was right. ethan dolan had no interest in gracing the auditorium with his presence. not even for the girl he supposedly loved.