i'm sorry | ethan dolan

the shit-storm is coming

chapter three
——mackenzie's pov
september 1st, 2019

as soon as i shoved open the door of the dunkin' donuts, the air conditioning blasted the hot humidity of the outside right off my skin. veronica jackson looked up from her ever present laptop and arched one eyebrow like she was sizing me up for the first time. i was so nervous, both from seeing her and from what i had to tell her, that i practically fell into the plastic chair across from hers. there was an open box of munchkins on the table, and one glance told me she'd already eaten every last chocolate.

"hey," i said.
"hey." she replied.

i couldn't even believe she'd finally answered her phone, but i guess dialing her ten times in fifteen minutes was some kind of record. and then, when i'd told her i had serious news, she'd been, in her words, "mildly intrigued." of course now that i was here, i wasn't sure i could tell her, or that i even should tell her.
but i needed to talk to someone and even though we hadn't spoken since our stupid, drunken—on my side, at least—fight the first week of august, veronica was still my best friend. i just wasn't entirely sure if i was hers.

i chewed on the inside of my cheek. she picked at her already chipped black nail polish. her look had gotten slightly gothier since the last time i'd seen her. she'd cut her hair into layers and wore cat eyed eyeliner. her shirt was black and baggy, with some punk rock band printed on the front, but her skirt was tight, and her tiny legs were covered in holey fishnets. there were about a dozen colorful bracelets on each of her arms, the ones that had gotten super trendy over the summer. i don't think we could be any more different.

"nice collection," i said, nodding at her wrists.
"i've started stealing them from little kids," she deadpanned. "i think it's important to teach them, from a very young age, the evils of hoarding."
i managed a laugh. "ah. i like the new hair too."

"thanks. thinking of cutting bangs soon. maybe a bob. so what's your news?" veronica asked, leaning back in her chair.
i cleared my throat. "it's about ethan."
veronica blinked, as if surprised. "trouble in paradise already?" she smirked.
"kind of," i said, ignoring the twinge of annoyance i felt over her lack of sympathy.

she almost sounded amused. i took a deep breath, grabbed a cinnamon munchkin, and popped the whole thing in my mouth. "he got somebody pregnant."

sugary dough clogged my dry throat and i coughed, showering the table with cinnamon. veronica sat up at full alert.

"i'm sorry. could you repeat that in doughfree english?" she requested.
i chewed, then swallowed with a significant amount of discomfort. kind of felt like a rock going down my throat and lodging itself in my esophagus.

"he got somebody...pregnant," i said.
"holy shit. is it kylie?" she asked.
i felt my face flush with color and tried not to cough. "what? no! why the heck would you think it was kylie?"

the look she gave me clearly said, don't insult my intelligence. she knew they'd hung out a lot this summer. she was the first one to tell me, actually. but she hadn't been sure if they were hooking up. well. now we were sure.

i drew the back of my hand across my dry and cinnamony lips. my tongue was grossly gummy. "you can't tell anyone."
"oh my god, this is huge!" veronica said under her breath. she gripped the edge of the table with both hands. "kylie owens is pregnant? this is the biggest scandal to hit the cresties since josh schwartz's dad ran off with connor shale's housekeeper!"

"shhhhh!" i whispered, glancing warily at the two other patrons and at the middle aged dudes behind the counter. "could you please take the glee factor down a notch? this is my boyfriend we're talking about, remember?"

her face went slack and she released the table. i saw her glance once at her computer, and automatically knew she was itching to log on to twitter and spill the deets in one hundred and gory characters or less, but instead she laced her fingers together in her lap.

"you're right. i'm sorry," she said. her eyes focused on mine and she did look sympathetic, like it was just sinking in. "wow. god. are you...okay?"

"not exactly," i replied. the rock hard munchkin slid slowly from the base of my throat down through my chest, and i felt it the whole way.
"what did he say? i mean, were they, like, together for a while or—?" veronica asked.
"he says they only did it once," i replied quietly.

veronica shook her head, staring off into space. "i can't believe he cheated on you."
my stomach turned. "well, not really. we weren't together, and i was with cooper—"
"that's such crap. you and cooper didn't have sex," veronica interrupted.
"so what if we had? would we be, like, even, then?" i shot back. why was i defending him?

"uh, totally," veronica said, like the logic was so obvious. "the point is, you were with this hot guy for weeks and you guys were completely into each other, but you didn't have sex. why? because you knew deep down you weren't over ethan."

i knew where she was going with this and i didn't like it. "well, that wasn't the only reason...," i said, fiddling with an empty and torn sugar packet.
"but it was the main one," she said in a know it all voice. "meanwhile he wasn't even with kylie and he didn't think twice about hooking up with her. how could you not be more pissed?"

"i am pissed!" i snapped. the pair of old men nursing coffees on the other side of the shop looked over, making me feel about two inches tall. i stared at the pink tabletop, my cheeks on fire. "but i don't know. does it matter how i feel? this has nothing to do with me."
"um, dude. of course it fucking matters how you feel," veronica said, her voice low. "and if you ever say it doesn't, i'm gonna smack you upside the head."

we sat there for a long time in silence. for some reason i couldn't make myself look her in the eye. it was like i was afraid she was ashamed of me or something.

"well, if you want my advice," she said finally, breaking the silence, forcing me to lift my head. "and i'm assuming you want my advice or you wouldn't have offered to pay me back for my coffee and munchkins."
i narrowed my eyes. "i don't remember offering to pay you back for—"

she pushed the fresh receipt across the table. "it was implied. anyway, what you need to do, like, yesterday, is figure out how much crap you want to deal with for this guy. cause there's gonna be a lot of crap. a lot a lot a lot of crap."

she took another munchkin and studied it for a moment before biting into it. jelly oozed out onto her chin. she swiped it up with her fingertip.

"so the question is, do you really want to spend your senior year shoveling up this guy's crap?" she asked matter of factly, pointing at me with the bright red finger. "that's what you need to figure out." she sucked the jelly off to punctuate her point.

"that is a disgusting image," i said.
veronica tossed the second half of the doughnut hole in her mouth and smiled, raising her eyebrows merrily. "isn't it though?"

my body collapsed and my head hit the table. she and hammond were basically asking me the same thing, and they were both right. did i still love ethan, and if i did, did i love him enough to deal with the massive shit storm that was about to engulf us?

outside, the sky was finally black. in a few hours, school would start for the year. in a few hours, i'd either be walking through the front doors of west morris high alone, or holding hands with ethan dolan. i needed to figure this out, and i needed to figure it out fast.

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-m
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