i'm sorry | ethan dolan

not what it looks like

chapter thirteen
——ethan's pov
september 30th, 2019

okay, it was time to get my ass in gear. i hadn't done any homework in about a week. not that my teachers were surprised. i'd never been a big homework doer. but over the summer i'd taken that college class and i'd actually worked and i'd landed myself an a. and i'd kind of liked it. so i'd had this whole resolution to do real work this year.

until i found out i was gonna be a baby daddy.

now it was friday afternoon and there was no practice because we had a game tonight, so i was going to spend the next three hours catching up. pretending life was normal. i straddled one of the lounge chairs on our back patio, my pre calc book open in front of me, and started to write down the first equation from tuesday's assignment.

"ethan?"

my pencil point broke. kylie had just stepped out from behind one of the flowering bushes. she was wearing sweatpants rolled at the ankle and a wrinkled hollister t-shirt. there were tear streaks on her face and she had no makeup on. it was so weird. every day at school she was just kylie, all perfect hair, perfect body, perfect clothes, perfect everything. in fact she was so kylie owens, that it was hard to imagine anything was off. but right now she looked nothing like herself.

"what's wrong?" i stood up and my foot knocked my notebook closed over my pencil.
"i just...i can't do this anymore." her flipflops slapped as she walked over to me and pressed her face into my chest. crap. crapitty crap crap. i put my arms around her and she cried for a minute or two, soaking the front of my white t-shirt. i never thought i'd look longingly at a math book, but i really did right then.

"what happened?" i asked. "can't do what anymore?" she turned her face to the side so she could talk, but her skinny arms hugged me tight enough to crush my ribs.

"i'm starting to get fat," she whimpered with a sniffle. "my mom even noticed. and now that faith and maddy know, someone's gonna slip. i just know it." she pushed away from me and swiped under her eyes with her fingers. her hands were shaking. for the first time i noticed she did look a little bigger than normal. "every time the phone rings, my heart stops. i'm just waiting for, like, mrs.kirkpatrick to call up my mom and tell her everything. they can't find out like that. they just...can't."

"okay..." i started.
"and every five seconds? it's like i know for absolute sure what i want to do, and then five minutes later i want to do the exact opposite." her voice caught and she turned to hug me again. "i haven't slept in, like, weeks...i'm totally losing it, ethan."

my throat was dry and my heart pounded so hard it hurt. "you can, like, talk to me about this stuff, you know. you don't have to avoid me in school all the time. if you're freaking out...you should really tell me."

"you're not. i mean, we're..." i paused and cleared my throat. "we're in this together. we should be figuring it out...together."

her eyes were so hopeful right then i knew i'd said the right thing. for once. "but what about mackenzie? won't she mind if we're, like, talking all the time?"
"she'll understand," i said automatically.
kylie nodded and stepped back from me. "so, what do you want to do? if you had to decide right now, would you keep the baby or ..."

my mind went completely blank. here i'd just offered to be there for her and i had no answer to that question. i didn't want to be a father. i knew that. but ever since hearing that small heartbeat, the whole abortion thing gave me the skeevs. so there was adoption, but if we did that, then everyone would know. what would it be like if everyone knew?

"god, kylie, i have no idea."
she teared up again, but smiled. "yeah. me neither."
"okay. it's okay," i said. "look, we just...have to tell your parents. that way they won't find out from anyone else and they can help us figure out what to do."
"but they—"
"i know it'll suck at first, but your parents, like, worship you," i reminded her. "they'll be okay and they're gonna help you."

kylie pressed her swollen lips together. her whole face was wet. "you think?"
"definitely. and if i'm wrong and they throw you out, you can totally stay here."
kylie snorted a laugh and pressed her cheek against my chest. "thanks a lot," she said sarcastically. i hadn't been joking, but i figured i'd go with it. her laughing was better than her crying. i smoothed her hair down her back.
"no problem," i said, shrugging. "you can sleep on the floor in your condition, right?"

kylie laughed for real this time and looked up at me, still holding me tightly, just as the back door from the kitchen slid open and mackenzie came bouncing out with a big grin on her face. she took one look at us, kylie smiling with her arms locked around me, me with my hand on her hair, and the grin completely disappeared.

"kenzie! hi!" kylie said, pushing me away from her. she wiped her face again, then swiped her hands on her sweatpants. "ethan and i were just—"
"kylie was upset about—"
"it's okay. i get it," mackenzie said.

she took a couple of steps toward us, fiddling with a small book. i awkwardly leaned in to kiss her hello. she turned her face so i got her cheek. great. so maybe she would mind if kylie and i started talking more. i cleared my throat.

"so...what's up?"
mackenzie had this look in her eyes. this look like she was trying really, really hard to like me, and it just wasn't happening. she forced a smile onto her face and lifted the book.
"i got a part in the play," she said with some seriously weak enthusiasm. "i'm gonna be helena...one of the two main female roles."

"that's great!" i said, hugging her for real.
"congratulations!" kylie said with a smile.
"thanks." mackenzie looked back and forth between the two of us. she twisted her lips sideways, like she always does when she doesn't know what to do. "i can go if you—"

"no. it's cool. i was just gonna leave anyway," kylie said, angling toward the side yard. "i'll talk to you later?" she said to me.
"yeah," i said with a nod.
"cool." she replied.
"cool." i copied.

and then she was gone. i looked at mackenzie. she was watching me carefully, like she'd never met me before and was trying to decide if she trusted me.

"so...wanna help me with my precalc?" i joked.
"you're doing homework? go, you," she said.
"well, i figured someone's gotta do it," i said, sitting down again. i stared at the closed yellow notebook and suddenly felt very tired. i wished it was five minutes ago, when i'd actually felt like doing some homework.

"well, i'll leave you alone, then," she said. "i just wanted to tell you about the play, so..."
"you don't have to go." but i had to turn around to say it, because she was already at the door. i was kind of dying for her to stay so we could get past the awkward. plus i had a bad feeling i wasn't going to get anything done anyway. "we could watch a movie."

"no. do your work. i'll see you at the game tonight," mackenzie said, halfway inside now.
"okay," i said. "hey, mack?"
"yeah?"
it felt like there was a sharp rock stuck in my throat. "i love you."
she hesitated for a moment. "i know."
and then she was gone too.

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that last part makes me sad :(
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i love you all<3
[1361 words]
-m
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