Paper Cigarette

2015-01-01 - Thursday (Areia, Portugal)

.......then....... the relaxed happy thoughts swirling in my mind were snappishly interrupted... starting from behind me, I feel the spirit of Carmen's deceased mom go through me... fear bullied into every cell of my body... I stopped in my footsteps and started crying uncontrollably... though I did not see her or anything for that matter... I did feel she (her spirit) was going around me to enter me again from the back... it was as if she had swung through me and missed the target... instinctively I braced myself for her re-entry... and with a thought I asked what the fuck do you want? ... again tears bolted out of my eyes... but this time she left a message in my mind about Carmen's dad...his candle light is dimming...his candle light is dimming...his candle light is dimming... he needs Carmen... he is scared... I did not do this but the thought/message...his candle light is dimming...was associated and/ or equated with his death...

... coming home... I don't know how long I just stood there...but when I started walking I was still having outbursts of tears... I felt different, it was as if a part of me had left with her...the feeling I had is something in me sneaked out while I wasn't looking...but now the idea that I had to relay this message to Carmen was burdening me to say the very least...how do you tell a friend... hey! your dead mom just told me your dad is on his death bed and he needs you...by now the path opened up into a country road and I walked slowly and zigzagged as if I was inebriated... I did not know what to do and was buying time, hoping for a fucken miracle to solve the previous miracle... my analytical/mathematical mind kicked in with logic... what just happened was my over active imagination which took control for a few minutes... my survival instincts took over and the emotional and logical voices in my head raged until I said to shut the fuck up...shuffling my feet on the road...hoping time and distance would be never ending...

...heaven and earth... fuck me, what am I going to do...without a computer nor any prepaid phone time left... now I feel I must contact Carmen and explain what happened and for her to take it with a grain of salt...would she understand?...would I, if someone called me with this kind of information?... how could I be so happy one minute and in a living hell the next... I can now see the little village where I had planned to stay for the night... with the sunset crossing the threshold as I reach the village gateway... I look up to the sky and in a desperate tone ask... give me a fucken sign... and shit, no more than a few paces into this insignificant village I see a paper sign on the coffee shop window... INTERNET... I laughed out of relief... then...it started again, I paced back and forth in front of the café debating whether to go in or not as voices in my head were arguing the pros and cons...

... the wave... I'm insane, an idiot, and a fool as I push the door open to the café... behind the foosball machine, I see a computer all the way in the back...as I sit in front of the paying computer...I'm not sure if it is located back here for privacy or that the foosball is more popular...I drop a coin into the slot machine/box to start the computer... as I wait a few long seconds for the unit to warm/start up...my mind goes blank and I realize I have no idea what I'm gonna write Carmen...all I can think of is that I'm crazy...the screen comes on and I open an internet session and start a new email addressed to Carmen...without any cuing, I see the blank email screen...my fingers are on their own, as if they were being borrowed for a few seconds... I look at the screen to see what my fingers are typing, because I still had no idea what to type... the first typed line appears... these are not my words... next, I see the message I had received showing up on the screen... my typist fingers are faster than my reading eyes... with a few screen flickers, the email closes up and the word sent is displayed... this was the end, when I was not even sure when it started... at this point, the email is virtually on route to Carmen in Montreal... somewhat stunned I say to myself... what the fuck have I done...

...people have the power...for me, most of this was all hearsay...Carmen received the email and went into a panic mode, and justifiably so... she called my wife at the time asking her if she knew anything about the email, its' content and what I was up to...it had been days since my wife heard from me therefore she was of no help...Carmen's dad had re-married and moved overseas... she calls him and it's the stepmother who answers his cellphone... she confirms that her dad is very ill, but did not want to worry/alarm his children and kept his illness a secret... shortly after... Carmen calls a family meeting with her siblings... the evening in which they are all together, discussing what to do next... they receive a phone call from the stepmother announcing her dad's light had gone out...

... earth prelude... days later when I finally was able to reload my cellphone... my wife told me about the passing... she had many questions for me, but I avoided saying anything as I was in a state of disbelief...add to this, that for the last few days the growing and worrisome feeling that something was missing in me kept amplifying...this is hard to explain...I felt different in the sense that I was somewhat incomplete, as if part of me disappeared... but now more than ever, anyone I met... it was, if I was able to take part of their essence and put it in me as if I had space for it...and actually I was able to feel what they were feeling... and at other times, I felt as if I was sending myself messages disguised as intuitions... notably to re-do the Camino and write a book were the recurring messages... at the time I thought how absurd, I am not a writer...and today I still think I'm not a writer but at least I can jot down my thoughts in a journal...