under the same sky | chaekura

Chaeyeon: forgive me

I can never forgive myself. Sure, I was a little angry when they came storming in. But I expected them to. Because deep down inside, I knew this was wrong. I knew I shouldn't be seeing Huiyeon. That's why I kept my head down. I can never forgive myself.

I could feel the disappointment in their eyes. I could feel the guilt spilling out of my heart, like a dam that couldn't wait to give in to the flood. Minjoo's words cut through me like throwing knives on a target board. I didn't know you could feel that much pain in so many places, but still not show it. I didn't know you could feel so disappointed in yourself, you'd knowingly drown in your own tears without fighting to stay alive. I betrayed their trust. And I feel hammered to the ground, hopeless, because I can't do anything to plead for their forgiveness. I have no idea what they are feeling, and it kills me.

It kills me.

Huiyeon hasn't changed one bit and I knew it right from the start. I should've looked at the warning signs, I should've listened. It was all just a game of cheap words and stale compliments, her trying to convince me that she's still the person who used to be my friend. But all she wanted was to turn me against my own group. And in doing so, she turned my whole group against me. I don't deserve IZ*ONE.

But I don't think I've ever felt this much pain. This much regret. I let down the girl who matters to me most. The girl who's been with me right from the start. The girl I took so much effort to get to know. The girl who told me I was more than anything Huiyeon could be. The girl I trust. The girl who trusted me. The girl who deserves more than I could ever give her.

And she's gone now.

I should've chased after her. Why didn't I? All 11 of us split up to search the school. Minjoo's with me, but she hasn't uttered a word since we were at the restaurant. "I'm-"
"Don't." Minjoo keeps briskwalking, avoiding my eye contact. She stops in her tracks and I almost bump into her. "Look. I have no idea what you were thinking." For a second, I thought that was all she was going to say, but she continues. "But, right now, she needs you. Even if you're the one person she hates more than anything in the world, she needs you." I almost start crying, but it stops when my phone rings.
"She texted me." Minjoo's eyes light up and I open the notification. "Our place. Come alone." I look at Minjoo. "What does that mean?"
"She needs you." I look at her with a mixture of confusion, nervousness and uncertainty. "GO!" She pushes me. 

And I run. 

Faster than I've ever done in my entire life. 

Because this is the girl who deserves more than I could give her. 

But this is the girl I'm willing to fight for.

----------

Even in the hot afternoon sun, you're still sitting in that pink sweater. Surrounded by the green football field and the red track, you look like a little gumdrop, staring at the sky. Your eyes are going to burn out of your sockets, Saku-chan. Look at me instead. 

Or don't. 

By the time you notice the little figure approaching you, she stops. Your eyes look like they've spent an eternity crying. Your glasses only do so much to hide the swelling you probably wanted to keep from me. But I'm sure the redness in your eyes didn't come from staring at the afternoon sky. I jog towards you and you get up. Don't leave, please. I can explain. I want to say that. But the folded piece of paper in your hand stops me. 

This is it.

"Rea-" You couldn't get past the first word without breaking into the sobbing you've probably been doing before you texted me to come here. I stop myself from crying, because that's not what you want, I know. I slowly reach for the tear-stained note in your hand and you look up at the sky again, this time trying to stop yourself from crying. Was that why you were looking at the sky just now? I unfold the note and take in everything that's inside, preparing myself for the worst.

Knowing me, I probably won't be able to talk to you. It sucks that I can't, because words are better said than written. Especially to someone you love. But stammering and stuttering won't get me anywhere, and this is the only way I can properly tell you how I feel.
Firstly, I'm upset that I saw you there. I have no idea what made you think it was a good idea to see her. It's hard to tell you now, but I was a little disappointed. But who am I to stop you from reconnecting with her, right? I'm just your friend. But, I saw that you were happy and I couldn't help but get jealous. So I acted out. And, thinking about it now, me entering the restaurant was not because I was disappointed in you.
It was because I hated the idea of seeing you so happy with someone else. Especially someone who's hurt you before already. I couldn't accept the fact that you two were hitting it off and, maybe I destroyed something real you guys were trying to rebuild, so I'm sorry for that. I hope you can forgive me.
The thing is, I love you too. A lot. I just. I didn't. I was in denial. Because you've just been so distant the last few weeks and I thought it was because of me. Then today happened. I didn't know at first. When you said what you said, I acted out. I was afraid. I was in the heat of the moment. It just came out. I'm sorry. I didn't know. I should've known. 
Forgive me.

It takes a while for your words to sink in. There's so many questions I've been meaning to ask. There's so many things I want to say now. There's so many things I should be saying. There's so many tiny little details, that I need the time to process. 

And you're getting impatient, but please don't take this the wrong way. I'm not mad at you, I promise. I just don't understand. Give me a second.

You put your face in your hands and start crying again.

"I'm sorry." You start walking past me. No. You can't. 

I grab your hand and before you could say or ask anything else, I pull your face towards mine.

This, I never would've thought, is our perfect moment. Your lips taste of seawater from the tears that continued to flow, even after the storm. But these tears are different, gentler, and you want me to understand that. Believe me, I do. Your sobs quieten down, but it only takes you a second, before you kiss me back. This time, I find myself crying too. I pull away first because someone had to. There's a slight disappointment in your eyes and it makes me smile. You noticed and end up laughing, so I laugh along with you. I kiss you on the forehead and take your hand in mine. 

"I love you."

"I know."

No words I could've ever stringed together in my head, would tell you exactly what that kiss told you. That's what you understood. And that's all I've been meaning to say. 

Because on top of the episodes of lies, the heartbreaking betrayal, and the hardships, we still found our way here. 

Against the backdrop of the pink sunset, the crescent moon smiling at us in the very spot we first properly talked. 

Nobody in this school can paint the history we made on this very spot. 

Because we were just 2 strangers forced to meet. 

But here we are back together, 

under the same sky.