under the same sky | chaekura

Sakura: Chaeyeon

Haste. She answered me with so much haste. I was just trying to make conversation, why did I have to spiral into that? Because I couldn't help it. Why did it bother me so much when Huiyeon asked her to meet up? Because Chaeyeon doesn't deserve her. Why do I deserve to tell Chaeyeon who she deserves? Because Huiyeon broke her heart before. Why don't I believe Chaeyeon when she said she was eating breakfast with her family? Because she seemed upset the night before. Why don't I trust Chaeyeon now? I do. I trust her. Stop this, Kkura. Chaeyeon's telling the truth. She'd never lie to you. She's your best friend.

I read over the date again. June 5. 55 days ago. The day we performed 1000%. I really shouldn't be rereading my diary entries so early. It's an unspoken rule. You only read your diary when you're sure you're over everything that's written inside, so you could laugh at your stupidity and immaturity during those days. Otherwise, it just widens this gap of distrust, uncertainty, concern, guilt. But I just have a hunch that something's wrong here. Chaeyeon has been spending our Saturday breakfasts with her family the last 8 Saturdays and she's probably going again tomorrow. I know, family's important blah blah, and I'm not jealous. I swear. Just that, whenever she comes home, she's texting her little sisters. And I think it's weird that they show up for breakfast every morning, but they never come to watch her performances. Except when we performed Rumor. I slam my book shut and Chaeyeon beside me jumps a little, but enough to hit her head on Eunbi's bed.

"Bad day?" Chaeyeon laughs, rubbing her head. "What did your poor diary do to you?" Chaeyeon was the one who got me into writing a diary. She said it helps calm her down when she's upset. Not by slamming the book shut, though, but by writing (though, it is a pretty good way of ending off a very angsty diary entry). I can see why she does it. It helps you recollect and reflect.
"It keeps reminding me of the bad days." I play along, making my best sad angry face. "I am hurt." I press both of my hands to my heart and collapse on my bed, imitating a really bad actor getting shot.
"Awww...poor Saku-chan. Do you want me to kiss your boo boo for you?" I can't do this. I take a deep breath and recollect myself.
"No...I'm dying...Tell my family I love them." I heave desperately.
"Just your family?" Chaeyeon stands over my bed, looking unimpressed. She holds out her hand.
"I...love...you...Chae-" I collapse and act dead on my bed, arms and legs sprawled askew. Chaeyeon takes this advantageous position to tickle me. From my many experience of getting tickled, I learnt that you should always counter the tickler using their own weapon against them. And Chaeyeon just happens to be really ticklish too. We both collapse on the bed after a while, tired and panting. For real.
"Did you mean that?"
"Mean what?"
"That you-" Almost instantaneously, Chaeyeon gets up from my bed and jumps back into hers at the sound of the door opening. Eunbi and Wonyoung enter the room, holding the snacks we told them to get from the convenience store. I get upset for some reason and go back to not thinking about the diary entry.

"Saku-chan" Speak of the devil. I mean, angel. She's more of an angel. I look up from my book. She just washed up so her hair looks like seaweed dangling from the top of her head. "I'm eating breakfast with my family again tomorrow." I look up at her, not surprised, but kind of disappointed. Which she noticed. Now she knows something's up. Way to go, Kkura.
"Yeap, sure. Go ahead." I smile and she smiles back. "I'll eat with Minjoo and Yujin again, I'm sure they won't mind."
"Can I join?" Eunbi looks up from her math homework. "Chaewon and Hitomi made plans to go to the arcade and that's not really my scene."
"Yeah." I smile at Eunbi and tuck myself in for a good night's rest.

—————

I found it hard to believe when I first saw it, believe me. Because maybe I did end up trusting Chaeyeon when she said she'd go have breakfast with her family tomorrow. But there she was. Inside the small tonkatsu place with none other than Huiyeon. I had to take a second look to make sure it wasn't just my mind making up excuses. But it was her, I'm sure of it. I take a second to catch my breath. Eunbi finally catches up to me. The rest of IZ*ONE comes up behind me as well, asking if I'm okay (we all just happened to go to the same restaurant for breakfast). Should I tell them? Do I even have the right? But before I could decide, Minjoo also catches a glimpse of what, currently, has me on the brink of tears. I don't know why I'm so emotional. Minjoo's pretty face creases into a very sharp one and she grabs my hand and pulls me into the tonkatsu place. There's no other customers, except the 12 of us and Huiyeon.

"W-what are you doing here?" Chaeyeon gets up from her seat, stammering. I almost feel bad. But this confirms Chaeyeon has been intentionally trying to hide everything from us. Huiyeon turns around to face the group.
"Oh, hello. Nice to meet you, I'm-"
"You really have the guts to ask what we are doing here?" I don't think I've ever seen Minjoo this flamed before. "What are you doing here, Lee Chaeyeon?" Everyone else is silent because they have no idea what's going on.
"I'm sorry, Chaeyeon is here on a date with me. Is there a problem?" I notice Minjoo's still holding my wrist, as if I'm her daughter and she's arguing with my teacher about a grade I deserve. I feel weak. I need to speak up.
"Of course there's a problem! Chaeyeon would never!" Forget the fact that I just screamed at someone. Forget the fact that I just screamed in a tonkatsu restaurant. Forget the fact that I might probably out Chaeyeon today. My face is getting drenched with hot tears and I've never been this frustrated EVER. I look at Chaeyeon, expecting her to back me up but I'm met with disappointment, seeing her silent. Her head's down with no intention to talk at all.
"If you say so, explain why she's here now. Lying to you. To all of you. Eating breakfast with me. At my favourite place." Minjoo and I both fall silent. Why did she? "I thought so." Huiyeon slings her handbag over her shoulder. "Coming?" Yeah, Chaeyeon. Go with your little perfect old best friend. You've done everything to make your new one upset anyways. Go.

"No."
I turn my stare towards Chaeyeon, softening a little. She still doesn't look up. The air feels staler now, humid, sharper. But hearing her say this, catches everyone by surprise.
"What do-"
"Haven't you...done enough?" Her voice breaks when she says this, trying to slot in the words in between her sobs, but the sentence doesn't lose any of its effect. Chaeyeon finally looks up at all of us. Her eyes are puffy and red, tears running down her cheeks faster than a rainstorm. Her face is a mixture of all the negative feelings I've ever felt in my entire life.
"Please. Go."
Huiyeon cuts through the 11 of us and walks straight out, not looking back. We all take seats in the restaurant to make up for the unbearable silence.

"Why?" Minjoo, too, is still crying. Her voice starts to break and Yujin takes her side and pats her back.
"I-. She just-." Chaeyeon begins. "I thought she changed. I just wanted to see."
"So you lied? To your stupid best friend? You could trust me, you know?" I cry even harder, but that sentence pretty much summarizes everything I had thought about last night.
"I lied because-" She regains herself and calms down before saying the next five words that cut through me way more than it should. "It's because I love you."
"You have a funny way of showing it." I can feel the tears coming. No, Sakura. Not again. You can't keep crying over her. Not in front of her. Not again. I run out of the place and head straight for the school, not looking back.

——————

Why am I so upset by this? I shouldn't be. I'm just Chaeyeon's friend. She's just my friend. She has every right to go out with a girl who's prettier than me. She has every right to go out with a girl who dances better than me. She has every right to go out with a girl who doesn't constantly need her help. 

She has every right to go out with Huiyeon. 

So why am I crying? Why did it bother me so much when I saw her with Huiyeon? Because Chaeyeon doesn't deserve her. Why do I deserve to tell Chaeyeon who she deserves? Because she deserves someone better. Why don't I believe Huiyeon's good for her? Because I'm here.  Why did I trust you? Why did you have to lie, Chaeyeon? Why?

I don't understand.

But it hit me like a ton of bricks when I realized. Funny how your brain keeps a little roll of memories handy, just for moments like this. Memories you wish they wouldn't show to you in that moment because you're afraid. Because you're in denial. But, no amount of betrayal I felt today, can make up for those 5 words. I was so full of hope so fast. 

Did you really love me Chaeyeon?

Because I do.