Sip of Assistance

Chapter 36

I walked over to the bed and sat down next to him, touching his arm to wake him.  He stirred, sitting abruptly and looking around slightly disoriented.

“Holls?"

“Ugh… yeah.”  I just looked at him, waiting to hear what he would say.

“You kept your promise.”  When I didn’t say anything he looked at the window only just realizing it was morning.  “You’ve been gone all night; I tried calling.”

“Actually I was gone for a little over an hour, but I’ve been on your couch ever since waiting for you to get home.  My phone was on silent in my purse.”

“Really?” He looked hopeful.

“Yes.”  I was still waiting for the perfect explanation.

He laughed slightly, but took in the look I was giving him and got serious.  “Holls, I know how that must have looked to you, but I swear I didn’t kiss her.  I was looking all over for you because it was almost midnight and I found her in that room crying.  I tried to comfort her and all the sudden she kissed me… I didn’t kiss her back I promise you,” he pleaded with both his voice and those eyes of his.

I didn’t know what to say as I stared at him, willing myself to know if he was being honest or not.

Sensing my hesitation he continued, “I’m not like them- Jonathon, Paul, Sammie, Tony."

He leaned towards me so he could push a strand of my wavy disheveled hair from my face.  Our faces were inches apart as he spoke.  “I promise you Holls, that you can trust me.  I’m not like them and I don’t want anyone else.  You’re enough... you’re more than enough, you’re everything.  Holly Preston, I’m in love with you.”

He closed the distance and kissed me roughly as if everything depended on it.  I felt the warmth spread from my lips to the rest of my face and body.  Could one kiss and one word really make everything be okay?  I knew I loved him, but whether or not I trusted him was the issue.

I pulled back trying to think and figure out what I needed.  I opened my mouth to speak, but he stopped me.

“Just be with me Holly.  Not just as an assistant or a secret lover… be with me for real just as you.  Please?  I promise you that I may make you mad or drive you nuts, but you won’t regret it and I’ll never do anything to hurt you.”

I looked into the eyes of the man I loved, the glistening blue of the arctic reflecting love and hope.  But I realized it was me I needed to think about not him.  The decision had to be one that really made me happy.  My trust for men had already been lacking and it was getting worse.  Could I be with another famous person and let go of my insecurities?  Would I really be happy and feel secure with James? 

After only a moment more of thinking I knew the answer.  No matter what my heart told me, I couldn't trust him.  Therefore, I couldn't be with him.

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I quit my job that day.

I walked away from James and back out into an unknown future.  Turning my back on him broke my heart as much as his eyes told me it was breaking his.  I couldn't keep making the same mistakes and if there was no trust then I had to leave. 

I had no idea what was left out in the world for me or what I would do.  I didn't know where I would live or if I would stay in the same business.  All I knew was that I was exhausted.  So I went to the one place that I knew could offer me any kind of solace.

Cafe St. Clares was oddly quiet that morning.  Maybe because it was New Year's Day.  Either way all I knew was that I appreciated the solitude.

After I got my coffee from the chipper barista I sat in a chair near the window, watching the world live the way I didn't feel I had it in me to do after leaving James behind.  Every object I soaked up from my comfortable spot incited a memory or emotion that was entirely laced with James.  His essence was everywhere in all of the good parts of life and it was slowly driving me crazy as the seconds ticked on.

I zoned out, trying to process my thoughts and decide if I should cry where I sat or leave to do it in private. 

The bell on the door chimed as someone entered, but it was merely a lull in the background because the forefront of my boisterous manic mind was screaming at me.

"Hey Holly," an apologetic voice interrupted.

I knew by the tone and flow of it that it wasn't James, but a flicker of hope remained when until my eyes made the swoop up to meet with Paul's familiar chocolate orbs. 

With all that had happened I didn't have it in me to react.  I stared at him, wondering why my life had to revolve around losers and why I allowed it.

"Look, I just wanted to say sor-"

"Please don't," I cut him off.  "It doesn't even matter.  You're forgiven or whatever you want to hear, okay?  Just leave it."  Even I could tell my voice grew weak the more I spoke.

He nodded at me and turned to leave, but stopped and faced me.  He stared at me quizzically as if to figure something out.

"Are you okay?"  he asked finally.

I mock snorted, "Fan-f**king-tastic.  Living the dream."

He continued to scrutinize my face.  "An idea why James McCalman punched Tony Cordova in the face last night?"

"What?"

"Yeah apparantly Tony pissed him off just after midnight and he punched him in the face.  He also fired him, word has it.  Don't know anything about that?"

I shook my head slowly, staring down at the coffee in my hands in an attempt to make sense of things. I was shocked by his words; James and Tony went way back and they were close. The idea of him firing Tony for how he treated me was pretty big.

"I overheard today that apparantly Tony somehow disrespected you, thus being catalyst which led to the confrontation... Don't have a clue, huh?"

I shook my head again thinking about what that meant for James and I.

"Well, it was good seeing you, Holly.  And you know, the fact that he would do something like that for you... James must really love you."

With that Paul walked over to the counter and ordered.  As soon as he had ordered and received his drink he left me alone to stew in my thoughts again.  Firing Tony was a huge gesture, a great indicator that he really cared for me.  As a bonus it meant Sammie wouldn't be around anymore either. 

The revalation changed things for me.  It meant he really did love me and that I could trust him.  Removing the Cordovas from our life changed everything.

I had to see him.