Leaving Him - A Canem Story

CHAPTER 6 - Finding My Way Back In The Dark Again ...

Sanem's lips shaped a tiny smile at the thought of her sensible friend.

She carried on, "I should have told him but then his mother appeared out of the blue and I could never find the right moment to confess what I had done ... You should have seen him when he learnt about Fabri's launching a new perfume called "Rare Beauty" ... He knew ... He knew what I had done ... He knew that I had betrayed him again ... He was like a madman ..." explained Sanem.

"He knew that ..." Sanem's voice broke. She breathed in and out and ended her sentence, "He knew that he could never trust me ever again."

Sanem looked away. Losing her gaze on the horizon ... God! She wished she had never met him. She wished she never loved him. She wished she never had owned a heart ...

"Sanem ..." started Leyla but she never finished her sentence as she cradled Sanem against her.

"I know I have lied to him but he lied to me too ... He said that he would never leave me no matter what ... He said that he would always love me ... I believed him ... but he couldn't ... he will never be able to keep his word ..."

Sanem sighed.

"I love him ... I still do. And I know that he loves me too but how long will we go on like that? Always separating and coming back together? How long will we last? How long will my heart be able to stand this?" wondered Sanem.

"I chose to leave. I chose to rip my heart out there and then rather than suffer my entire life at dreading the moment when he won't come back to me ..." she concluded.

"Our love was a beautiful love ... but it was never meant to be. Can and I were never meant to be ..."

Leyla acknowledged her sister's words. She had always thought that, despite the love they had for one another, Can and Sanem were too different to belong together. It pained her. But she had been right all along.

So she decided to keep quiet. She decided not to tell her that Can was the most miserable man she had ever seen. She decided not to paint her the state of agony he was in. She would find a way to convince him to leave Turkey, to go back to his wanderings so that Sanem could, one day, return to them. It grieved her to think so poorly and so selfishly but Sanem was her sister and she would do anything to get her back.

Both women remained on the bench facing the sea until the sun came down. Leyla finally called a cab for the airport as her plane was leaving in the evening. She hadn't told anybody where she was going. She didn't want to give false hope to her parents. She hadn't even told Emre. She had to be back tonight, especially even more so now ... as she had a secret to keep.

They kissed for a long time. They both promised to be careful. Sanem agreed that Leyla would call her once a month to check on her. She reluctantly entered the taxi. Sanem closed the door and placed her hand on the window. Leyla smiled and mirrored her sister's gesture. Sanem's eyes followed the cab until it disappeared. "Alone again", she sighed, looking down at her waist. It was time to go back to Emel's.

However behind a clump of trees, someone had witnessed the sisters' reunion. Sanem's last words had been a surprise though. It was a game changer. It was a way to make amends. It was a way to gain forgiveness ... "at least a way to forgive herself", thought Can's mother.

* * *

March saw nature shed its winter coat. Sanem's appetite had doubled and Emel was delighted to see her young protégée eat at last.

April was dreadful, even though Sanem enjoyed the sound of the rain drops onto the roof. The baby seemed to enjoy it too. Sanem could feel more and more movements as the days went by. She felt motherhood submerging her. She felt unconditional love for someone she had never seen ... The thought made her laugh ... Like father, like son! Even her grumpy inner voice laughed at the parallel.