All The Bright Places // Jennifer Niven

AU Where Violet visits Finch

VIOLET

"Hey," I say as I approach his grave. The wind doesn't blow around me. Only the leaves on the trees slightly tremble.
"It's been a while." I sit down in front of him. The epitaph I wrote for him engraved on his tombstone. It stares back at me. But he doesn't. He isn't here.
I don't know what to say. I don't even know what I'm doing here. He isn't here, Violet. I keep telling myself. But instead I just sit there. Maybe he is. Maybe he's looking at me visiting him and smiling his smile. I imagine him saying my name while smiling. "Ultraviolet Remarkeyable," he'd say. Grinning. "You came." I feel my eyes water and quickly shake my head at the thought. I keep staring at the writing. And at him.
After some time passes by like this, I say what I came here to before I lose control of myself.
"You know it makes me feel terrible now that I'm saying it but it was a good thing they didn't cremate you. I wouldn't have been able to see you," I begin. Take a deep breath. Let it out.
"When you told me to leave your closet, I shouldn't have left. If I would have known it was the last time I'll ever see you, I wouldn't have ever left. But we don't know things earlier, do we? Now all the apologies I have in me, they don't matter because you're not here to hear them. You're not here for anything. You're not hear to see me writing again freely. You're not here to see me progressing. I wish you were. Because I couldn't have been me again if it weren't for you." I take a look around. Nobody is here. It's getting late.
"I owe you a lot of things. Apologies included. So I don't care if you're not here. I'm gonna say it," I'm on the verge of crying. "I'm sorry, Finch. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when I could have been. You always said I deserved better. But it was always you. You deserved all the good. I wish I was good enough for you." At this point, I'm full on crying. Sobs escape my throat. I miss him so much. "But I hope you're finally getting the good you deserve and are at peace. Because you deserve to see the world you never got to see with me."
"I love you. And I miss you." I wipe my face before standing up. Take one last look at him. I can feel him here. Standing beside me. Looking at me. I manage a smile for him before turning to leave.
"I hope you're okay."