Crime Can't Love \/ Phan \/ COMPLETE

His Room (Major Trigger Warnings) - Chapter 21

You may cry reading this
TW: Descriptions of Suicide. It's in the past tense but... It's still suicide. Transphobia leading to suicide

Phil's POV

Doubts swim through my head as the car drives down the road, still listening to songs unbeknownst to father. It was clear from the moment I'd sat down the first place I'd go would be his room.

Only I could stand to go in his room.

After the car had stopped, I got out immediately without a word to my parents. They probably knew where I was going, and would no doubt question it later.

We kept the door locked and only 2 copies of the keys existed, one in my parent's room and the other in the back of my wardrobe. After quickly retrieving the key, it was time to go unlock the door. I hadn't been in his room for about a month, maybe two.

Ever since I met Dan I haven't really needed to come in here, so I hid the key. Dan just made everything better.

That backfired, didn't it?

I closed the door behind me as I allowed the serene atmosphere of the room to overtake my racing thoughts. The sound of silence can either be a calming thing or something troubling. In this room it tended to be both. It had a similar atmosphere to that of a graveyard, and you could see the particles of dust glide around the room as the early sunset's light shone through the window.

I miss him.

I miss him so much.

My steps were loud in the undisturbed room, each floorboard creaking as pressure was applied. I grasped a match and lit it, using the flame to light some candles at the shrine before extinguishing it.

The words 'Too Soon' were engraved into a silver plating over the shrine. A picture of him was displayed in a golden, dusty frame next the the box that had his notes.

((Please PLEASE if you're sensitive to suicide or failed coming out scenarios, don't read the note. The note's in italics so if you're sensitive to this stuff please skip it. For once I'm actually being serious.))

Dear Phil,
I guess we've come full circle, eh? All those midnight talks about whether we want to have kids and make the other an uncle or auntie. I still remember how you were the first person I came out to, how I asked you to call me Martyn instead of Mia.
But there was one thing we never talked about, because I knew it would worry you. Hell, I'd be worried too.
I never told you about how, if I died, I want to fall. Whether that be off a bridge or building, I don't really care.
I'm going to tell dad. It's probably going to end badly, but if he doesn't accept me it'll just give me another reason.
Not that I need another reason.
Phil, please, don't follow my example. I'm sorry I left you but I don't want to you to join me. I trust you to be stronger than me.
I'll always love you. Please remember that.
Sending you love from whatever lies beyond death,
Martyn Lester.

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I still remember it vividly. The way my mum, father, and I all screamed and ran towards him as he stood on the edge of the bridge, weakly holding onto the railing and staring into the murky abyss that was the River Thames. Cars that happened to be passing had halted and the passengers had run out as well, if not staring in shock. Pedestrians were doing the same.

"Mia!" Mum called out, unaware of Martyn's true gender. As he turned around and our eyes locked, his face broke out into a sad smile.

"It's Martyn." He spoke in a normal voice, though it could have been mistook for a whisper over the havoc. His eyes slowly closed, preparing for a calm departure. My hands reached out to take his, to prevent the inevitable disaster-

But I missed.

Splash.

I watched as his feminine frame plunged into the rushing liquid before a speedboat covered my view completely, undoubtedly hitting his skull, evidenced by the red liquid that overtook the muddy brown.

Sadly, he would have been happier being decapitated physically than being torn mentally in this prison we call life.

((Ok the notes done. If you skipped: Basically, Martyn jumped off a bridge after being shamed for being transgender by their dad because he was transgender (F>M). I think that's all you need to know. He also got hit by a speedboat afterwards.))

Tears cascaded down my cheeks as footsteps echoed throughout the hallway behind the unlocked door. A couple of loud knocks echoed, presumably from my bedroom door, which was only a few doors away.

"Philip, I need to talk to you, open up." Father's voice bellowed, followed by silence. "Are... You In Mar-Mia's room again?"

"Ye-Yes..." I hiccupped.

"Oh..." Footsteps again, "Was the date that bad..?" The door opened and father kept his gaze locked on me, not daring to view the old possessions. Surprisingly, my dad's voice had softened. At least he still felt guilt. Or grief, either of the two.

"No..." I sniffled, "Something else." Dad sighed before sitting down beside me, while I curled into a ball on the floor.

"Son, I know you don't like me, and I can't blame you." He started, "but... You can tell me what's wrong. If you want to."

"It's a lot of things..."

"Tell me?"

"I-" I gulped, "Maybe some other day"

"Ok, swe- Phil. I came to talk about the date, but I assume there's a better time. I'll leave you be." At the door, he further added, "And Phil?"

"Yes, f-father..?"

"This never happened." Without another word, he left the room, leaving me to my pit of emotions.

I hate my broken self. I hate my broken family. I hate my broken life. I hate this broken world.

I hate that the speedboat hadn't hit me instead.