I thanked the nurse as she handed me my baby, which was in one of it's romper suits I bought for him and wrapped into a blanket. I took him as carefully as I could, laying him down on my arm and steadying his head. I smiled at him weakly and went to my car. Luckily the parking lot was cleared from paparazzi and fans, thanks to Paul and the management. I sat him down in his Maxi Cosi and made sure he was tucked in well. Then I went round the car and slipped into the driver's side. I parked out the spot carefully, afraid to harm my baby girl by harsh movements. After 15 minutes of driving I arrived home and I took the sleeping toddler out of its seat and entered our house. It was empty, there was no one. I told them not to come over, since I would be too tired either way and it wouldn't be good for the baby if there were too many people around when it needed to sleep. I locked the door behind me and took the toddler up to his crib which was in the room next to mine then I turned on the baby phone and went into my room, leaving both our doors open. Knackered i went into the bathroom and leaned on the sink, taking in my features in the mirror. I looked horrible, way more than just my stubble covered my cheeks, my face was violently pale and under my eyes were deep purple circles. I looked like I was the dead one. I splashed some water in my face but it didn't help so I decided to take a shower since I hadn't done that for days. My tense muscles slackened as the hot water hit my skin.
How can I do this? How am I able to raise a child on my own? Why did all of this happen? (Y/N), never was weak in any way, why did her body suddenly decide it couldn't take it anymore? How could she leave me alone? Why couldn't the doctors save her? I was harshly snapped out of my thoughts when a loud cry cut through the air. At first I was irritated until I remembered what caused this noise. I wiped away the tears that had escaped my eyes and quickly stumbled out of the shower, nearly tripping in the act. I quickly slipped into some clean boxers and jogged over in my little girl’s room. She was crying again, like she did the last few days in the hospital. I took her fragile body in my arms and rocked her cautiously. I was panicking a little, since I always had help in the hospital but now I was really on my own. My breathing ragged, as sobs made their way up my throat. "Shh, baby girl, I know you want your mummy, but your mummy can't be here sadly. She-she would have known what to do, how to make you stop crying and calm you down. I-I know you want her, I do too, but mummy can't be here." She cried more hysteric now and I got more panicked. My heart tightened when I looked at my suffering baby girl and suddenly I was calm.
"N-now hush little baby" I began to sing with a weak and broken voice while rocking her cautiously. "d-don't you cry, everything i-is gonna be alright" My voice broke a bit but I went on. "Stiffen that upper lip up little lady, I told ya, daddy's here to hold, ya through the night" She calmed a bit so I went on with the only lyrics that came to my mind that moment and that made my heart wrench. "I know mommy's not here right now and we don't know why we feel how we feel inside" She relaxed in my arms and I finished the last two lines. "It may seem a little crazy, pretty baby but I promise, momma's gon' be alright" My sobbing had stopped by now and there were just a few silent tears running down my cheeks. I took in a deep breathe, then took Faith with me into my room and layed down with her little fragile body snuggled up into my chest and the crook of my neck, just like her mother's used to be.
"Are you doing alright?" My mother asked for the thousands time and I nodded. "As good as you can be." I smiled weakly, while I watched as my sister played with Faith. "I mean it's hard, I didn't expect to have to do this on my own and I miss (Y/N) so badly. B-but there's nothing I can do, I can't change time. I can't afford to sit around and do nothing than grieve over her. I've got a baby to take care off and I'm doing the best I can. She hasn't got her mum to grow up with but I'll make sure she has her dad." My mother suddenly teared up and hugged me tightly. "I-I am SO proud of you, you cannot fathom how." A ragged breath left her lips before she leaned back and wiped a tear away. "But you know shutting down and being strong isn't the same thing so also allow yourself to grieve a little, these are feelings to be let out." I smiled at her weakly again and nodded. My family had to return home eventually, even though my mom didn't want to but ever since Faith's birth it was like that. Every second day someone would make a safety visit, just to check if I was alright and didn't go mad. Today it was Zayn who came over with Perrie. He ordered Perrie to take Faith with her to their house and ignored my objections. When she was gone he went to my mini-bar and returned with a bottle of whiskey. He poured some into two glasses and pushed it over to me. It slid down the glass of the coffee table and hit my hand. I didn't grasp it, just shook my head, not looking at my mate. "C'mon Li, drink!" I shook my head. "Liam, let's be clear, I'm truly worried!" I didn't dare to look up into his eyes knowing that he'd read me without a problem. "It's not healthy to bottle up. You need to let yourself go through the emotions, so drink and face the situation. Tomorrow you can be brave and strong again, but tonight it's time for you to release some tension!" I shook my head no. This time he didn't answer, he just pushed the glass into my hand. "I can't!" I growled at him warningly.
He ignored my words and just put on more pressure and that's when I flipped. I jumped up and threw the glass past Zayn's head and to the other side of the room. It shattered on the wall creating a rain of a million of sharp shivers. "I can't!" I growled loudly in a deep and dangerous voice and fixated Zayn. "Don't you understand that? I can't drink, because drinking will ease this nagging pain and I'm afraid I will get addicted to this feeling because right now there is ONLY this nagging pain and all I want is for it to stop because it's eating me alive but I can't because I need to take care of my daughter! I need to be there for her, because she has no one other left!" Zayn smiled at me. "Yeah, that's how you do it mate, just let it out, let it all out! Tell me how you feel!" And I did, I couldn't take it anymore. "Faith is left with me even though all she wants is her mother. But her freaking mother isn't here so I can't give that to her, even though I want to give her every wish she desires. (Y/N), isn't there! She left me alone with our child and I have no clue how I should manage that. I am so angry with here for leaving me hanging. She promised me we'd be alright, that we'd do this together!" I started to tear up at my words as the lump in my throat got bigger and my heart shrunk tighter. "She didn't have the right to just give up, she could have fought more! The fucking doctors could have done more! They should have been more careful, then there wouldn't have been such complications. I am soooo angry at them for what they did. I am soooo fucking angry at her for leaving me to do this on my own when I don't even have a clue how to handle this. I mean I'm not even what the baby wants, she needs a mother!" I screamed at my mate.
I fell back into the couch and slackened down. "And I can't even be really angry at her, because it wasn't her fault." I put my face into my arms as warm tears left my eyes. "I can't even really be angry with her, when all I do is miss her. I miss her every single day, every hour, every second. I miss her every heavy breathe I take, every breathe she doesn't take. I miss her whole body, personality, warmth. I miss her every features and the comfort she spent me. There's so much pain in me! My heart feels like it's on fire twenty-four seven and I don't know how to change that. It feels like a part of me was ripped out and I still feel it even though I know it's not there. Some mornings I wake up and wanna wake her up, thinking, no believing, she's lying next to me, so I turn around just to be met with nought. Her side of the bed is empty the sheets torn up by just me. Sometimes I just turn around and for a second I forget what happened and wanna talk to her just to realize that she's not there. It's like I'm going crazy because I was just so used to her presence and now it's gone, torn away from me. And then there's Faith. I look at her and I see her mother! It stings me every time, it hurts to look at her some times, because she looks like her mother!" I sob one last time, then I stop and look up at my mate. "Zayn, man, I just don't know what to do and I know nobody can tell me, but I just wish she was here with me. She should get to see her daughter grow up and her daughter should get to grow up with her mother. I am so lost."
I squat down before the familiar grave. I brush off the pollen and lay down the flowers. A single tear makes its way down my cheek as I stare at the tomb stone. I clear my throat, before I start to speak with a hoarse voice and a sad smile on my lips. "It has been six years and I still miss you a lot, even though I'm more used to being alone now. But you know i-it gets harder and harder not to miss you, when I get reminded of you every day, when I look into our daughter's (y/ec) eyes. With every single day she grows she resembles you more and more. Oh, she is so beautiful, you should see her, especially when she's happy. She laughs the same way you do, she scrunched up her nose crinkles her eyes and squeaks eventually, it's so adorable. But she doesn't only resemble you in the way she looks or laughs, she also have your personality! She is happy and bubbly and tries her best to make everyone smile. Also she's just as kind as you." Another tear escapes my eyes and I hiccup. "I-it's really rare that she's sad and doesn't smile, but when she does, it's mostly because of you. She misses you. I tell her about you as much as I can, but my mind is weak and has already forgotten so many things, but still she listens and never gets tired of hearing from you, us. She loves you, really. I-I'm gonna stop right here, because I don't wanna cry anymore on our special day. So I'm gonna make this short. Babe, congratulations on our 12th anniversary!" I sigh and kiss the stone. "I really miss you and wish you could have stayed. I love you!"
