OC Reviews [on hold]

Nightingale [WoF]

Name
Nightingale

Nightingales don't live anywhere near rainforests!

Age
Seven dragon years (I think it's about close to adulthood?)

Yes, 7 is when a dragonet turns into a full grown dragon.

Gender
Female

Sexual Orientation
Bisexual (though she is just referred to as male)

Why would a female bisexual be referred to as male?? And if she is referred to as male, then why do you say 'she' in the rest of the form?

Tribe (biologically)
60% RainWing, 40% NightWing (this takes place in an AU, for a heads up)

Why is she 60%RainWing and 40% NightWing? Last time I checked none of her parents are hybrids, and you could have just said 'RainWing/NightWing hybrid' without the no sense percentages.

Allegiance
Kingdom Of Peace (AU thing), RainWings (if this actually meant tribe)

'Allegiance' basically means 'where her loyalties lie'.

Occupation
None, mainly a roamer in the kingdom

Most OCs don't have a job. If I stick all the OCs in the fandom together, I doubt they would live very long because 1. Barely any of them work 2. The animus dragons don't know how to use their powers for useful things. 3. There aren't enough male dragons to sustain the population.

But it wouldn't make sense for her to have a job in her circumstances, so you're good here.

Abilities
She has RainWing venom, though she doesn't change scale colour a lot (it's supposed to happen naturally, but it happens to only shift between shades of pink and purple for her (NightWing thing)), she sometimes has strange dreams that can lead to visions, though she wasn't hatched under a complete full moon. (so basically a fake future vision?)

It can either make sense or not depending on what 'not hatched under a complete full moon' means here. If the moon wasn't actually full at the time, then she shouldn't have any NightWing powers. If it was and there was something partially blocking the light, then she may have a weak power to see the future. BUT under no circumstances can she have 'a fake future vision'.

Also 'strange dreams that lead to visions' is how seeing the future is supposed to work.

Relationship Status
Unnamed (lol I was too lazy to develop the character bc I haven't reached that part in the story yet) (male), she previously liked a SkyWing named Cycloneblower (female)

You should look up 'cyclone blower' and see what you find.

Physical Description
Magenta RainWing with NightWing scales down her neck; RainWing frills behind ear and magenta purple wings with scattered silver scales like a NightWing; NightWing spikes and horns; also RainWing circle neck scale things, Red NightWing eyes; her body is skinny like a RainWing, and she has a prehensile tail

From reading the description alone, I'd think she's just a generic RainWing. The spikes and horns are good, but not enough.How do you make it more obvious that she's a hybrid? DON'T rely on colour to show she's a hybrid, especially when you're dealing with a part RainWing.

Personality Traits
She is highly supportive of her friends (Cycloneblower and the others), and her brother (Colorteller). Though in a serious state, she can get stressed easily. The dreams that she has that come true mainly come from when she lived in the Rainforest Kingdom. (not known why)

This is good, but there's probably more to her isn't there? There are only three traits in here, and I'm sure that's not all that she is.

Family
Moonchaser (mother, NightWing, deceased)
Blueberry (his parents read a scroll with blueberries so that led to his silly name)(father, RainWing)
Colorteller (brother, whereabouts unknown)
(Moonchaser's father was an animus, in a certain bloodline passed down, which Blueberry did not know of)

The RainWings even thought BANANA was a legitimate name. Blueberry is a very normal name for them, not at all silly. And what does that even mean, 'they read a scroll with blueberries'?

What this OC was created for
I made her as one of my first WoF OCs, and I really just made her out of nowhere. Sketched at school, made into an OC

Quite developed, for an OC made out of nowhere. There are lots of loopholes in her still, though.

Any related fanfics
Storm of Prophecy, which is on hold

The title doesn't make any sense, but it sounds grand though...

Backstory
She lived a fun and normal life with Colorteller, until Blueberry, who knew that Nightingale and Colorteller were already related because they reminded him of Moonchaser, lined up some dragonets with leaves to check if they are related, or what exact bloodlines they had. This is an AU RainWing custom in my fanfic, they developed it over the years (I guess). A lot of things have been changed. But Nightingale did not know that Colorteller was her brother. (I guess she's dumb) She became even more surprised when he told her he was a secret animus, not wanting to reveal it to anybody else. He had used a spell from preventing the technology from confirming that he was an animus. (They used an animus-touched object, by NightWings) She later encountered a strange NightWing, who gives her unknown words. Not long after, the Fire Storm (fanfic thing) occurs, and she is separated from her brother, and anonymously thrown by the whirlwinds to a place near the Kingdom of Peace(an unknown case by an animus, for it to throw her that far AND make her survive), a place dedicated to make a paradise retreat for any dragon traveller. (Located on an island outside the Rainforest Kingdom) Somehow, she meets Cycloneblower, and falls slightly in love. (I'm not going to mention the extra details after she goes to the Kingdom, to make it short) But then, after a while, she falls in love with another dragon, and ends up marrying him. She has many other stuff, but this is just a shorter summary.

1. What do you mean by 'unknown words', and how did it affect her?
2.Who was the animus and why did he care where the whirlwinds dropped her? You can't just drop something like an animus in the story like this and don't bring him up again.
3. It sounds like the whirlwinds didn't really throw her far, it just dropped her a little ways outside her kingdom, didn't it? She would probably survive that, even without the animus meddling with the whirlwinds.
I'd have to read your entire story to review her backstory properly, but the summary has a whole lot of loopholes, I've pointed out a few above.

How much you think your OC will score
Between 60-70

How much your OC actually scored
62

A/N
Too many loopholes! She could be a really interesting OC—and she is— but there are so many loopholes! Or plotholes or whatever. They're just all over the place! Explain them or fix them up, and BAM, suddenly you get at least 15 more points.

Submitted by ShredclawTheDemonCat