Rendezvous of a hijabi

Chapter 17• Everything falls into place

Since the incident, everything changed.

When people saw me, I didn't want them to just see the scared little girl hiding behind her hijab. I wanted them to see me, Safa AND my hijab. Being a hijabi doesn't define me, it completes me.

What happened to me wasn't unfortunate or unexpected . It was reality, if it didn't happen to me it was bound to happen to another Muslim.

Since then that boy was expelled, so his mortified father decided to move the whole family to Texas.

My mom also came home from the hospital, so we moved out of Faisal's house.

Everything should have been back to normal, but it wasn't. Since the incident I became stronger, it's hard to explain, but something in me shifted.

I was sick of being vulnerable and reliant on others and having my priorities out of place. Sorry, but this isn't like those cliches where the weak, good little girl gets the bad boy.

There's more to life than romance, I remind me self on a daily basis. My dream is to get into a good school, Harvard or Yale maybe. Make Hooyo proud, buy her a house. That's what I want in life.

With each days my feelings for Faisal strengthened, with just months of knowing this boy, he consumed me. I had no choice but to stifle these feelings, ignore them.

It just felt wrong somehow, I was guilty for liking him. No, that's selfish- he doesn't deserve to be with me, I don't even have time to breathe, let alone conduct a relationship.
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For the fifth time I released a deep yawn, my eyes fleeting to the time. Crap, 3:47AM my clock read.

I slammed the biology textbook shut whilst cursing under my breath. I had to be 'up' in three hours.

Tucked into bed, I willed my body to fall asleep but despite my tiredness, I remained painstakingly alert. My senses remained hearkened, with every noise, every creak.

Minutes passed, and a vibration from my phone made me jump. Squinting, I read the notification.

Instantly, my heart pounded and my stomach knotted.

Faisal: Thinking of you

Guilt surged through me, I have been purposefully avoiding him ever since I moved back home. It was a mission to not cross paths, if I saw him in the corridor I'd run. After the classes we'd share, I didn't waste a second to pack up and leave after the bell rang.

My fingers shook as I began to type, then delete. Type, than delete. Why would I reply now, I haven't been answering his calls, I thought.

I decided to ignore it. And so I slept. A sour feeling at the pit of my stomach.

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
Great what a beautiful sound.
I grunt in dissatisfaction and throw myself out of bed. Brushing, showering, dressing was a hassle in its entirety.

I literally couldn't be bothered with makeup, so I swiped on some lipgloss and flew out the door, after kissing my mom goodbye.

My new job at the local Target started in precisely...11 mins. My long legs graciously powered at an unnatural speed to reach the bus before it left.

I breathed heavily sinking into the seat, and looked down at the uniform they gave me. The bright red Target shirt, which I pared with skinny black jeans and air forces. I pulled my coat tighter, the whole nation didn't need to see I worked in Target.

All my friends complained I was overworking myself, but I needed the money. So, I wasn't seeing them as much, I could only hope they understood my situation.

Stacking shelves wasn't exactly glamorous, if anyone I knew saw me I would literally die. I specifically chose to work in a store far from my high school so I didn't have to go through the awkwardness of seeing anybody I knew.

"Hey new girl!" My supervisor called out, "stay in the children's clothing aisle,"

Sighing, I nodded and did as he said. For such a small old man, he sure had more energy than me. My face ached from the fake smiling and forced friendliness he drilled into me and, quite frankly I needed to sleep.

A woman with an expensive looking, cobalt blue pantsuit and Chanel handbag had walked through the aisle numerous times. Irritatingly, she kept asking me questions as if I were the founder of Target, "Are these sweaters synthetically woven, dear?"

Gritting my teeth, I stopped myself from telling her to shop in the Gucci store instead, it wasn't like she couldn't afford it.

"You'd have to ask the manager or check online, ma'am," I replied, robotically polite.

Squinting at my name tag, she read my name with a smile and thanked me warmly for my help.

I was relieved to find that she finally left the store.

An hour passed, and I all but raced to the staff room to clock out. My feet were numb and I ached for a hot bath and the comfort of my duvet.

The journey home was ominous, I couldn't get Faisal out of my head, thinking of you. What's that supposed to even mean? Yeah, I sort of had a tiny crush on him, but as far as he knew we were friends.

My mind went into overdrive. Is it normal for a friend to be thinking of you? A male friend?

How the hell should I know, I've only had one, before I ruined the friendship. Sighing, I plugged in my earphones and upped the volume to drown out the intrusive thoughts that plagued me.

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School became a never ending nightmare. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and repeated splashed cold water on my face. The disgusting luggage under my eyes remained and my eyes were bloodshot.

I decided to skip lunch so I could squeeze in a study session since I had work after school.Nasra insisted I eat but I firmly told her I wasn't hungry.

After finding a quiet seating area next to the window I pulled out my flashcards and reviewed them methodically, answering the questions in my head.

My pensive state was disrupted my a sharp nudge on my shoulder. Alarmed, I look up to see the last person I wanted to see in that moment.

I instantly hide my face with my hands, as if to pray I was hallucinating him. What was I going to say? My phone broke?? It was right next to me.

Looking up slowly, I swallowed and gestured Faisal to sit beside me. The concern was evident in his face and it confused me.
"Are you angry at me?" Was all I could say.

His eyes flashed quizzically, "Are you dumb. Safa. I'm worried. You've been ignoring me for weeks on end and that's all you can say?"

I fidgeted with the end of my headscarf, not knowing how to respond. A soft thump made me look down. A chipotle bag lay in front of me and my eyes softened.

"Faisal, I'm sorry. I've been super busy and super confused. And I don't know why I've been avoiding you but it was just easier. I'm sor-"

He cut me off abruptly, "Hey, you don't need to explain, Nasra told me what you are going through and I understand. I think it's cool you are taking school seriously, but don't ever skip lunch again. Also when was the last time you slept properly."

Taken aback by his concern, i replied sheepishly, "Last Tuesday?"

The remainder of the lunch break we both ate, whilst quizzing eachother with the flashcards.

For the first time, my feelings of doubt were withheld and the knot in my stomach loosened ever so slightly.