If only I could love you

Chapter 11

— 4 weeks later —

“Dan?” Dan’s mum called from downstairs.

Dan, who was sitting at his desk doing his maths homework replied, “What?”

“DAN?!” Dan’s mum called, a little louder.

Dan sighed impatiently, “WHAT?!”

“Can you come down for a minute? I need to talk to you!” She was practically yelling. Dan got up with a huff, and made his way along the corridor and down the stairs. He turned to his left and entered the kitchen, where his mum was sitting at the table. She looked up at him and then motioned for him to sit down opposite her. She looked serious. Dan was starting to get nervous, what had she found out?

“Dan, your father and I are going away next weekend,” Dan let out a sigh of relief. “From Friday to Monday. We’re visiting an old friend, you know, Mim? We’re going to his 50th birthday in Greece. So you know what this means, you’ll have the house to yourself. We’ll leave you with some money for food and stuff. And no parties. Got it?” Dan nodded, almost gleefully. He needed to start planning the party right away!

“Daniel,” the voice of Dan’s father came from behind him, he turned to meet his stern gaze, “I mean it. No parties, no girls coming round for sleepovers, nothing. You’re going to be in charge, I expect you to behave.”

“Of course, Dad. No parties, no sleepovers, I promise.” Who should he invite? How many? When will the party start? Dan had so much that he had to organise! First things first; booze. He needed to go find his fake ID. He stood up and headed to the door, where his dad was standing, looking suspiciously at him. The last time they had gone away, Dan had held a HUGE party. When his parents had come back, they got noise complaints from five different neighbours. They weren’t pleased. “May I go?” Without saying a word, his father moved out the way and let him pass.

—

It was Monday morning. Phil held out a cigarette for Dan, who took it and placed it between his lips. Then, Phil held up a lighter to Dan’s cigarette and lit it. They did this every day; it had become a sort-of ritual. Phil smiled at him, before lighting his own cigarette. When he smiled, the scar on his bottom lip became more prominent, but now, it was little more than a white line. The rest of his various bruises and cuts from the boxing match had healed and disappeared. The night after the match, Dan had messaged Phil to ask if he was alright, to which he had replied with “Yeah.” They hadn’t spoken about the match or the events after it since. They just went along as normal, although people around school thought Phil had gotten into a gang fight. He was gaining a similar reputation to Dan; a ‘bad boy’.

They were, once again, sitting on the wall behind the bike shed. They smoked in silence for a bit, until Dan broke it, “I’m having a party at my place on Saturday, you free?”

Phil exhaled slowly, releasing a large amount of smoke in front of him. Then he turned and placed a hand on Dan’s knee, looking into Dan’s eyes with mock sincerity, “Howell, I wouldn’t miss it for the world!” Dan hit his shoulder and they both laughed. “Yeah, of course I’ll come.” Phil grinned.

“Great! PJ and Chris will be coming, along with a few others,” Dan took a drag from his cigarette.

“How many?”

“Well. I’ve invited twenty people so… about forty?” He winked.

Phil chuckled, “Ok, can’t wait.”

—

It was Friday evening. Zoe sat on the chair by Dan’s desk, facing Dan, who was sitting on the edge of his bed. Dan looked down at his knees, whilst Zoe braided her hair. They had been sitting in an awkward silence for about ten minutes. He had invited her over to discuss their relationship. At this time, he was struggling to decide if he wanted to stay with her, or break up. Dan liked Zoe, sure, but there was the phone checking, and the homophobia, and it was things like that which made him think that ending the relationship would be the best move. He also liked Phil. A lot. Much more than he liked Zoe. But what if he broke up with Zoe, and spoke to Phil about his feelings, and it turned out Phil was straight all along? He hoped this meeting would help him to sort everything out.

Zoe spoke up, “so… What’s up? You said we needed to talk?” She smiled at Dan.

“Well… We haven’t really had a date in five or six weeks, so… Why?” Dan avoided eye contact; he wasn’t good at awkward conversations…

“I’ve been seeing a friend from out of town, I told you that.”

“Okay, but last time we properly talked, you said you were really happy with me and stuff, could you not have seen your friend on a Sunday? At least once? I mean, we haven’t even talked in the hallways at school, it’s like we aren’t even in a relationship.”

“Well, it seemed like you were avoiding me. You only ever want to hang out with that boyfriend of yours,” Zoe was beginning to raise her voice, she was getting angry.

“What?! Phil isn’t my boyfriend!” although I wish he was, Dan thought dryly.

“Oh come on, Dan, he basically is!” With that, she lunged over to Dan’s phone, which lay next to him on the bed and unlocked it. She began to read through various texts, putting on a mocking voice, “Oooh Phil! Are you ok? Oooh Phil! Good luck with the boxing match! Oooh Phil! Oooh I love youu!”

Dan tried to snatch the phone from her but she lifted it above her head. “Zoe, stop being so childish!” He glared at her. She glared back.

She tapped at the phone, and suddenly looked at Dan, fury in her eyes. She yelled, “Why the FUCK have you been texting Alice Waters? Are you seeing her behind my back or something?!” Jesus that escalated quickly.

Dan shook his head, “If you read the text, you’ll see that Chris borrowed my phone to text her, because his had run out of battery.” She seemed to calm down as she read the text. Once she was done, she handed the phone back to Dan.

“Sorry.” She said quietly.

“It’s things like that which makes me think that-”

“Think that what?”

“That maybe we shouldn’t be together anymore.” At this, Zoe’s eyes widened.

“Dan, you don’t mean that,” her bottom lip quivered, “Dan, no. We love each other, Dan. You can’t-”

She began to cry. Shit. This is exactly what Dan was afraid of. She bent over, head in hands and sobbed. Dan couldn’t bear it, so he reached out and pulled her over to the bed, next to him. She put her arms around his waist and he put his arm around her shoulder. “Zoe, I didn’t mean it,” He didn’t mean to say that, but he wanted her to stop crying. Which she did.

She looked up at him and smiled, before kissing him. She smiled, “You scared me! So, we’re good? Not breaking up?”

Dan sighed, “Yeah, we’re good.”

“I love you, Dan.”

“You, too.” He deliberately avoided saying the word ‘love’.

Zoe looked at her watch, and then got up. “I have to go, it’s late.”

Dan got up, too, relieved that she was leaving. Once they reached the door, she turned her head slightly, a cue for Dan to kiss her cheek. It was soggy and salty. “See you tomorrow.”

“Bye, Dan.”

Well, that couldn’t have gone any worse. But it had helped Dan make up his mind; he definitely wanted to break up with her. He just needed to figure out how…