Boulevard Dreamer (Ryden)

-fifty-

"Don't you dare talk about yourself that way ever again," I cup his face in my hands to try and hold him together, to make a useless attempt at making him feel a little bit better. To gently wipe away the stray tears that slowly trickle down his porcelain cheeks. Knowing I put them there does something to me that I haven't felt in so long.. It fucking hurts, "Brendon Urie, you are not stupid, don't ever think of yourself that way. You deserve to be happy. My dear, you've just made a mistake," I chuckle weakly even though something inside me cracks as I look at him.. "That's all. You're allowed to make mistakes as long as you try to fix them. You love Dallon, don't you?" He doesn't immediately nod his head, "Don't you?" I ask again, softer this time. I'm not angry with him and I wouldn't want him to think I am, "Brendon?" God, he's breaking so much right in front of me. What did I say? What.. What did I do? "What? What's wrong?"

I pull him into a hug as he sobs on my shoulder and falls to pieces and I.. I just let him.

I don't talk, neither does he.

I don't have anything left to say.

There's something he's not telling me, but now isn't the time.

You cry all you want, darling. I'm right here.

~

"God, I'm so sorry."

"Don't apologise."

Not much time has passed. Enough for Brendon and I to find our way to my couch and have a debatably effective heart-to-heart.

Well, it was more like a barrage of unaccepted apologies.

"Look, if there's anything I've learned from the blonde in my kitchen who keeps stealing my shirts, it's that feelings just happen and trying to understand them is almost a waste of time. Notice how I haven't asked you why you kissed? It doesn't matter to me because I'd spend so much time trying to figure out why," I'm so close to him and I really shouldn't be, "I'd much rather concern myself with kissing you."

He looks at me expectantly. He expects me to kiss him.

And what's so wrong with me that I won't do it?

What's wrong with me is that I want to, but I know I won't.

"What do you think is gonna happen now, hm? What do you want to happen?" I'm genuinely curious because I don't think he would come over here just to get back at me for kissing him. He's not me. He would've left already.

"I don't know, I've never done anything like this before," Clearly. We're well past that confession, "Dallon's gonna hate me, that's what I'm really afraid of."

I scoff, but it melts into a smile. Dallon's a fun one. He's so two-faced. He's sweet to Brendon and definitely lets me know it when I'm over, and he makes an effort to be nice to me when Brendon's around. But. He said himself that he thinks I'm shady. Who's to say he's wrong? "Hate to break it to ya, Brendon, but take a number. Dallon already thinks I'm trying to take you from him."

"Really? I thought that.." He gets incrementally quieter as he speaks, as if the sentence he's about to say is embarrassing for one or both of us, "I didn't think that all, to be honest. I just thought we were just becoming friends until you kissed me and Dallon said something and everything just became so complicated."

Lightbulb.

Oh, great.

I wish I didn't have all the answers sometimes. That's what Elizabeth is for. She's smart and she rubbed off on me.

"Can I be honest with you?"

"When aren't you?" He smiles and it hurts, almost like when he was crying just a bit ago. Pain feels like pain. Both times, the pain hit me right in the chest. And it fucking hurts.

Stupid lightbulb.

"I don't think you like me at all. I don't think you love Dallon, either- And before you go ask Elizabeth where the knives are," He doesn't look offended, rather shocked, but just in case I've become illiterate in the art of reading faces, "Let me explain. Please?" He's quiet as he nods to let me continue, "Look.. Elizabeth can correct me if I'm wrong as she often does, but.. Okay, so you were with Dallon and then I came along, right? Then we got to be better friends, and frankly, I've loved getting to know you and I don't use that term loosely. But. Despite everything, despite our relationship, our friendship, whatever we are now.. You're Dallon's. Technically. I don't know if that's so true anymore. If you were really his, you never would've talked to me after I kissed you and you definitely wouldn't have come over here and kissed me," Not that I mind, but I can't say that or he'll do it, "If you loved him, I don't think you would've ever looked at me. But you said yes because you're afraid I'm right. Am I?"

"I don't know. I-I can't just stop loving Dallon in an instant by just having the willpower, it's not that easy."

He speaks so softly. He hesitates because he's choosing every single word so carefully because he doesn't want to hurt anyone.

Dallon.

He doesn't want to hurt Dallon.

Dallon's not even here.

Who am I gonna tell? Elizabeth? Who would she tell? Not Dallon.

"Bren, I know it's not that easy. I gotta tell you, it's so hard for me to accept the fact that I.." Cannot finish that sentence so let's work around it, "I feel.. the way I do about guys. And Elizabeth has been the best. Sh-She's the first person I felt like I was really in love with and she lets me still say that I love her. A part of me always will. In some way, I guess. A part of you can still love a person even if it changes and it doesn't feel quite the same anymore. Do you want to know just how I know that?"

He nods once. Twice.

By the third time, I've cupped his face in my hands and I could feel his smiling lips against mine. I could feel the slightest hint of heat in his cheeks and I could imagine the beautiful rosy tint painted from his cheeks to the tips of his ears and it took everything in me to not open my eyes. I didn't want to. I wanted to keep them closed because.. Well, there are so many parts of me, I discovered. So many of those parts have been hurt or damaged beyond any kind of repair, but Brendon, he.. God, just being near him is.. Kissing him does something to me. This time, it doesn't hurt or send an arrow of pain and guilt through my chest where my heart should be. I know I shouldn't be doing this, god, do I know it. But, damnit. I want to let myself enjoy this. This one thing. This one moment is mine. It's his. It's ours. It's.. shared. I share this moment with him, with this incredible, absolutely precious man I could never deserve in a million years.

I kissed him. He's kissing me back. I can feel it.

I can feel it from the moment he smiled against my lips, the way his hands hold my waist so carefully, like we're kids caught under the bleachers, both afraid of messing up one little thing. How could he do anything wrong? In my eyes, in my head, he will be as he always was to me.

Perfect.

And, boy. Does it suck to be Dallon Weekes today, folks.

Brendon slowly pulls away from me because if it were up to me.. I don't even know where else that kiss could've gone. Just like I predicted, he's rosy all over and the tips of his ears delight me the most. A silly little giggle leaks into his still shy tone as he speaks, "Can I be honest with you?"

Preferably.

"I sure hope so."

He chuckles a bit at my comment and lets his laugh relax him a bit. I'll take what I can get, "When I've kissed Dallon.. It's never felt like that."

Oh.

Oh.

Well.

Guess I still got it.

~

I DID IT. I ALSO KICKED MAJOR BUTT AT MY SPEECH TOURNAMENT TODAY!!!

HOPE Y'ALL LOVE THIS.

MORE TEA TO COME!

~RJ✨