I, Girl

15 THE APOTHEOSIS OF CRIME

- funny how the worst thing i thought imaginable was rejection (and the heartache that resulted from it) by blue-hearted boys to the extent that i found myself cold and distant to the idea of relationships

and the thing is: times have changed and i have learned to grow from that oppressive garden

- i no longer live inside a heteronormative mindset wherein i felt as if the ultimate goal was to be married or the ultimate joy was to be found in a boy's i love yous (& let's face it, love was only ever about the pleasure of having boys like me back)

and funny how i thought the lack of relationships with silly boys and serious boys were an example of the ultimate crime, as if not loving myself and not rooting out the seed of internalized homophobia that i've let my mother plant and grow inside my head any sooner weren't more serious fucking crimes

- & to be frank, i have never fallen in love—just a couple of explosive crushes that made me teeter on the brink of love, but i never fully fell. i found that it was not just mere poisonous heteronormative ideals that made me this way, but also the need to quickly grow up

and that's also one of the worst fucking crimes of all, i think, because girls grow into women and i did anything but grow. i forced myself down that tunnel and i robbed myself of my young age (and the knowledge and experiences i could have gained during that) and skipped past that level of childhood, so now i'm thrust into an increasingly difficult world as an incomplete puzzle of a woman

- but, i suppose, crimes are also, in some way, helpful, 'cause you see, as i navigate through the earth with a heavy heart filled with crimes such as crimes against my own person (see: reasons above), i find that these problems have caused—and still cause—me to become a stronger and better person.

so sometimes it's not so fucking bad.

ALT. CALLED: RAMBLINGS OF A FLOWER THAT NEEDS WATERING