My Brother's Best Friend 

Chapter 44: Goodbyes

We'd agreed that we wouldn't take any action until tomorrow, to make sure that everyone had said what they wanted to. Ryan was in there right now and I was to go next.

I was in the waiting room, Jared next to me, holding my hand. I haven't moved an inch for the past three hours. It's like I'm refusing to believe anything that's happening or going on. I just feel like this is a dream and that in a few moments I'm going to wake up screaming and drenched in sweat, but that never comes. It's only me, sitting here, as if I'm trying to pretend that nothing is happening. Jared hasn't left my side for the past couple of days, honestly I've told him to go, that I'll be fine, but he always refuses and never leaves my side. I honestly don't know how he hasn't gone crazy with just sitting here and watching me stare at the wall.

"Mallie," Jared whispered.

I turned to look at him as he nodded his head at something in front of me. And as I turned my head towards what he was nodding at I saw Ryan standing in front of the hospital door, looking as broken as I'd ever seen him.

As I looked at him I took a moment to actually think about someone else's feelings other than mine and that I wasn't the only one who felt like this. I wasn't alone in this. And no matter how horrible I felt I had a brother who needed me right now.

So, I got up and walked up to him as he looked at me. I knew he was trying to be strong, he was trying his absolute best to not cry, but everything about him was screaming that he needed to cry. His hair was sticking up in all directions and his chin was wobbling. And then I stood on my tip toes, wrapping my arms around his neck as he buried his face in my hair... and we cried together.

I don't know how long we stood there, but I knew it had been a while because I could feel the time slowly ticking by. And as we pulled away from each other and I stared at the hospital door I honestly couldn't bring myself to believe that all these things that were happening to me were actually real. I do realize how many times I've said this but everything in me is screaming for this to be a dream. Screaming for me to be able to just wake up in a cold sweat in my bed in a few minutes... but I know that's not going to happen.

So, I gathered my courage, wiping my tears, opening the door to the hospital room and walking inside. He looked exactly the same as the day before and the day before and the day before: pale, cold, and still. It was like he was alive, but at the same time he wasn't, as crazy as that sounds.

As usual I took the seat right next to his bed and assumed the same position as all the other times I'd done. Knees hugged to my chest, arms wrapped around them and staring blankly at him. Staring at the face that I was going to be able to see one last time before knowing if never be able to see him again.

I reminded myself that my Aunt still hasn't gotten her time to speak her last words to Uncle-Steven so I needed to start, but this time instead of staying in my normal position and speaking to him blankly I slipped my hand into his, squeezing it and trying to remember the feel of his hand against mine. The way it always made me feel safe and loved. The way he'd always come to my house when I was a kid and take me out for ice cream every day after Preschool. But all that was a distant memory now. It was just me and him now. It was my time to say the last things I wanted to say to him before I had to let him go... forever. Forever was something I just wasn't ready for though, but I know even if I had a choice I'd never be ready.

I sighed. "I don't even know where to start. Maybe I should start with I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't take five minutes out of my day to just stay and listen to what you had to say. Now I'll never be able to know what you wanted to tell me that day. I guess you never really think about that there's a chance that you're never going to get to see your loved ones again every day. It just never crosses your mind when you're life is full of happiness. I guess it just always happens when you least expect it. Things never quite go as you plan them too, but I guess that's kinda what life is about. Life isn't perfect Uncle-Steven I've realized that for a while now, but it's just not fair!" I whispered, trying to hold my tears back.