The Holt Conundrum

fifth july

He covers his eyes with his hand. "Oh my god, you absolute moron!"

I nudge him with my elbow, but I can't help laughing. "Hey, instructional videos are very useful."

"Gay porn? Seriously?"

"I've just taken the best part, there's even voice over, my voice, which I know you love so much," I gladly inform him.

Holt drops his hand from his eyes. "Wait, you edited them."

"Of course, I don't do anything halfway."

I see a kind of dread passing in his eyes. He's not moving anymore. "Did you edit them with Keith?"

I grin. "Of course I did Smooches, you know how Keith is so much better than me at editing."

And now he's throwing himself dramatically on the ground. "I'm gonna die of shaaaaaame"

I'm laughing hysterically. "I think you'll actually enjoy Keith's input. He's had straight sex, so his revisions were quite welcomed."

"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die," Holt repeats on the floor, shaking around.

I crouch down laughing and grinning. "I beg to differ, you'll be quite informed now. This documentary is divided in many parts, let's start with the first part, the art of the blowjob."

Holt is just laying down on his back now and looks up at me, but he's laughing. "You are such a moron."

"Come on stop laughing, this is a very serious matter," I tell him, while laughing myself.

And there's just that little sparkle in his eyes when he's looking at me and he just looks happy and suddenly he says. "Man, I love you."

He hadn't said it yet. I mean, he's kind of implied it, but he hasn't said those three words together before.

I think my heart is going to stop. But I try not to freak him out and play it cool, so of course I answer with a, "I love you too my little Smooches."

And now Holt sits up, and grabs me by the back of the head and starts kissing me, but not like slow sexy kiss, he's just pecking my whole face with kisses, a smile on his lips and he's pushing me back until I hit the couch behind me.

I AM BEING ATTACKED WITH KISSES! He's not stopping and I'm laughing and he's laughing too and I'm saying, "Wait, wait you can't kiss me. We have to watch the video. There's a theme song and everything."

And Holt just burst into laughter and keeps kissing me all over. And finally, he plants one on my lips and he stays there and starts kissing me properly.

If he really wants to kiss me, who am I to stop him?

My arms go around him, dragging him on top of me so now he's sitting on my lap, and we're the same height so usually it's not like he's over me, but with the boost my lap gives him, I have to lean my head back a bit and I think the sweet little bastard loves it, because he's kissing me more deeply, his tongue teasing my lips. I open mine a little wide, trying to breathe him in and Holt starts moving a little on my hips and I wasn't ready for the friction, but good god am I not complaining. I'm just holding on to him more tightly and he doesn't stop his little hips movement and I think I'm going to combust and I stop kissing his lips and start kissing his neck because it's at the perfect height and I'm licking his skin and sucking it, and my hands go this his ass, pressing him more firmly on my hips and Holt is throwing his head back a little and he lets out a little moan.

And suddenly Holt is out of my arms, and up on his feet. "Wait, I need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

I'm a little too stun to argue, so I just say, "okay," and don't move from my spot on the ground, while he runs to the bathroom.

A solid fifteen minutes passes and Holt still hasn't come back. I wonder if he's slip and hit his head on the toilet seat, or if he's taking a major crap.

I get up and go knock at the door.

"Holt? You okay in there?" Silence. I knock again. "Holt, is everything alright?" Still nothing. "I'm coming in," I say, so he can tell me not to, if he doesn't want to, and the door isn't lock, so I just turn the knob and walk in.

I find him sitting on our bathroom floor with his pants around his ankle and he looks mad and like he could cry and I just crouch down beside him and I'm not sure if he's okay with me touching him, so I reach for his shoulder very slowly, to let him time to move away from my touch if he's not comfortable with it. He doesn't.

"I'm not circumcised," he says.

"Alright." I don't want to make him self conscious and tell him I sort of already saw it when he wears his nice and tight boxer briefs.

"I was trying to make sure it was clean enough. I know it's gross. I'm sorry."

I'm not looking at his crutch region because I can see how he's trying to cover himself with his hands. I just look in his eyes and ask, "What are you talking about?"

"I've been told enough times. I know. My friends back in high school always called me dead skin and I know it looks gross and," I smother him in a hug to stop him from talking.

I'm gonna cry, but I can't cry because this isn't about me, it's about him.

I wonder how many times life can destroy Holt in every way possible until it's content. I can't believe there doesn't seem to be one aspect of Holt that hasn't made him feel inferior when all I can do when I think about him is marvel at how perfect he is. What more can life make him feel less about?

God, my poor Holt.

I should have guessed something like this. Holt was ashamed.

Holt is clutching at the back of my shirt, burying his face in the crook of my shoulder and I just rub his back soothingly, trying to calm him down a bit. He's crying. I can feel him shake with sobs in my arms.

When he calms down a bit, I stop hugging, but put my hands around his face to make him look in my eyes.

"Look Holt. Don't take this like a rejection, because it really isn't but I think it would be better if we took sex off the table, indefinitely."

He looks a little panicky. "What?"

"Our relationship is a huge change for you and you have a lot of things you still need to deal with that I can't even begin to comprehend. And I want you to be more confident, and I don't want you to be stressing out about me expecting something from you. I want you to be comfortable enough to be able to ask what you want. You need to find your self confidence. And you need to love yourself so you can let me love you."

"But don't you want this, I mean sex."

"Sure, I want to be able to share that kind of intimacy with you, but I'm not in a hurry. I could be in a happy relationship with you without sex Holt," and I'm not saying that just to make him feel better, I whole heartedly believe it. "I really don't need anything more than your love. Everything else is just a bonus. I'm fine with our dating being first grade dating, the kind where we just hold hands like once a month and exchange notes during class."

His eyes look down. "I feel like such a coward."

I brush my thumbs against his cheeks. "Oh my god, don't Smooches. Do you know how much courage it took for you to admit that you cared for me, for a man, when you've always only been with women? To take those firsts steps? To be ready to jump in this new relationship without knowing what you're in for? You're very brave."

I get a little smile. "You're just saying that because you love me so much."

I smile back at him. "I'm saying it because it's the truth. And I do love you very much. So, I'll do anything for you. I'll do anything you tell me to."

Holt takes a deep breath. "I love you."

I press a kiss to his forehead. "I love you too."