It's September and I need a roommate. I couldn't live in the dorms anymore. I was fed up of being paired with idiots. I was done sharing my kitchen and my bathroom with an entire floor. When I signed the lease for my apartment, I did it with the guy...
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It's January and Eloise saw Ben out with a girl at a restaurant.
Usually I really wouldn't care about it, but here's the thing. He's never brought me to a restaurant. Ever.
I'm trying, really trying not to give a fuck, but I can't help it and I call him up.
"Hey Eliah, did you want to come over?"
"No, I want to know who you were having dinner with last night." Silence. "Who was she?"
"Just my ex," he answers softly.
Because that makes it alright. "Oh, so going out with her is fine?"
He sighs. I want to punch him in the throat. "Don't make a big deal out of this. It didn't mean anything."
"Now, why would I make a big deal out of this? I'm not your boyfriend so I really have nothing to say."
"Eliah..."
"It's fine, of course, because you don't want to date me only because you think I love Holt. It really has nothing to do with your own insecurities and not knowing what you want. It's all on me."
"Eliah, come on."
There's no come on. Just saying my name is not going to make things okay. "I'll see you next time I come over and you can fuck me in secret, like I'm just some shameful hookup," I say and hang up on him.
I'm raging.
I'm angry and I want to hurt him so without missing a beat I'm calling Max.
I don't even greet him, I just say, "I need you to come over," when he answers the phone.
He's laughing on the other side of the line. "Nice to know you haven't changed."
"I'll text you the address."
"I'll be there."
Max was a guy I was seeing when I started out college. It was before Holt.
Max was basically exactly the type of guy my father was scared I would end up with. An exotic dancer with all the baggage that comes with it.
Oh yeah, I totally went out with a male stripper. He totally just stripped to pay for college though. And we stopped seeing each other because he wasn't going to stop stripping, even when he dropped out of college and I didn't want it to bother me, but it did.
Holt is the one opening the door, but before he can ever say hello to Max I'm grabbing him by the arm and dragging him to my room.
I don't care how it looks, I don't care about anything, I just want to stop feeling for a little while. I want it to stop.
I close the door of my room behind me, and I push Max against the wall and I'm inches from his face and he's holding on to my arms and I should kiss him, this is where I should kiss him, but I can't kiss him and I can't move and I can't breathe and I'm freaking out and I don't want to feel like this and...
"Good god Eliah, what's happened to you," Max whispers and he cradles my cheeks and I press my forehead on his chest and I clutch to his shirt.
"I'm tired, I'm just so tired," I say against him.
And I start crying. I start crying like a goddamn baby. I can't do this anymore, I just can't.
And Max just holds me in his arms, and he sits me down on my bed and he's trying to comfort me and this is ridiculous.
I have a stripper in my room, on my bed and I'm just crying in his arm? He's got a pierced dong. I shouldn't be crying in his arms, I should be having angry sex.
"It's okay Eliah, it's okay," he keeps repeating, stroking my back.
