The Holt Conundrum

fifth may

I've brought this on myself.

So, I beat him to the punch. "I can move out."

He frowns a little. Nice of him to play dumb. "What?"

"It's fine, I get it, I'll move out," I tell him, nodding. Let's not cry, I've done enough crying lately. "Unless you already found a place. Anyway, it's fine, I understand."

"That's not..." he's still frowning, "that's not what we need to talk about..."

Now I'm the one a little confused. "Huh?"

He's fidgeting. "Can you... can you please sit down?"

"Holt, what's going on? Did you clog the toilet?"

He's scratching the back of his head, he can't look in my eyes. "Just okay... this is kind of... okay, well first, I wanted to apologize about the other day, about yelling at you and insulting you, I didn't mean any of it, and I'm so sorry about it."

"I'm sorry too," I automatically answer. I shouldn't have been this angry at him because he doesn't love me. It's not his fault.

"And I also want you to know that you're my best friend and whatever happens, I don't want that to change."

What's he getting at? Is he trying to invite me to his wedding to Bimbo-Number-Five? "Holt...?"

"Huh... Eliah..." Finally he looks in my eyes.

"Yes?"

"I like you."

"I like you too," I reply immediately. I don't understand what's going on here.

"No I mean... I like you, like you."

My mind goes completely blank. I think I have a mild heart attack.

"I'm not sure when it started exactly, I'm not sure how it happened. I've been staying at your sister's place for the last week or so and we've been talking a lot and well... I've realize that a lot of weird things I've been doing, and the way I've been thinking and acting around you is because I like you."

I think I'm hearing things wrong. I think sometime's wrong with my head. I know something is wrong with my ears. Holt can't be saying what he's saying right now. It's impossible. I'm having an out of body experience.

Part of me wants to tell him to get lost. It seriously took him this long to figure things out? Fuck him.

Another part of me though, a much more vocal part of me is thinking that I can't let him out of my sight, I can't let him rethink about this and question it and realize that it was just some kind of misplaced jealousy and that he's not actually attracted to me.

I'm so desperate for Holt that I'll take whatever I can have, even if it turns out that I'm not really what he wants.

But mostly I'm thinking WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL??? When did that happen? Why didn't I get the fucking memo for that one?

I'm thinking all of this while Holt is saying, "How do you want me to go about this now? Like I'm sorry I sprung all of this on you like that. Also, I'm sorry if I'm making it sound like now that I've told you I like you, you suddenly need to like me or do anything about it. I'm not saying this because I want you to like me back. It's not because you like boys that you necessarily need to like me. I might not be your type. No, I'm definitely not your type, after living for so long together, I couldn't be. And you have a boyfriend, I really don't know what I'm saying... I just wanted to say it because I need to be honest with you, and I wanted you to understand why I was so hurtful to you the other day. It was so uncalled for and shit, sorry are you crying?"