AIM

8

i'd heard every word that jimin spat at taehyung. he was so hell bent on trying to prove his point; that i'm nothing, that i never was anything to him. he proved it alright.

i didn't know where i was running too, just that i was trying to put as much distance between me and the one person i felt closest to here. the only one i was starting to trust. now even he is was stranger to me.

i found myself going back to the center where i had just been with hoseok, he was no longer standing there, all sweaty. the room was empty, in some way i related to that even more now. i felt alone after finally feeling like i was belonging somewhere. i should never have believed the lies. they were nothing but empty words he threw at me. he never cared. so why should i?

pushing myself in the direction of hoseoks room i asked him for that favour he promised me because i certainly didn't want to go back to his room, i didn't want to see him. the small part of me that had been healing because of him was broken all over again.

stepping inside hoseoks room, he was watching me as i warily sat down on his desk chair, he stayed standing, watching me. i could tell he knew there was something not right in the thick consuming tension that closed around me.

"there's something wrong. tell me." it was blunt, forward, the smile hoseok always branded himself with, was replaced by hard line. i was staring down at my hands, they were trembling, why was i really this bothered? it's not like i actually believed he had any real feelings towards me... or was that why i was upset. because i thought he did.

"i'm not really sure, i don't want to talk about it. i actually came here so that we could watch that drama?" my voice hinted the request, i just wanted to fall deep into another world and forget the one that was crumbling at my very feet.

he nodded not really saying anything else, even though his eyes hinted that he wanted to continue.

"is it okay if i shower before and meet you back here in an hour or so?" his face returned back to a smile nodding as he chucked a towel at me, laughing because he purposely threw it at my face. "hey!" i smiled which contrasted my outside to my hurting interior.

i was glad i found a friend in him. i felt even the smallest part less lonely. i felt safer knowing, unless our trust was broken, i couldn't really lose him. friends are much easier to keep than love that was never there.

exiting hoseoks room with the towel he so generously handed (chucked) at me i saw a certain someone walking round the corner. heading in my direction, walking at scarily fast pace, his features were soon smoothing as the distance grew smaller each stride he took. then that's when i realised who it was.

it was him.

turning on my heels quickly, i started making my own attempts to widen the distance that he was closing down. i didn't want to see him, be near him. all i knew is that he wasn't anything to me anymore. i didn't trust him, nothing he could say would change my mind about that. i was stupidly hurt by my own stupid fantasies. someone like him would never care about someone like me.

when i had thought i was pretty far from his rushing pace, my thoughts were diminished as i felt a near painful grip on my forearm. still not wanting to turn to see who it probably was. he resulted to yank my arm causing my small body to contort round to face him. jimin.

still with his grip on my arm his face was washed with anger, frustration. why did he have any reason to be mad. he wasn't the one who just got stomped all over. all this crap about 'assuming' people when i was right all along.

"what were you doing in hoseoks room?" his tone was cold, empty of emotion, just anger. there couldn't possibly be any sense of jealousy there, that would require him to care. in which i knew he didn't.

"why? what's it to you?" i spat back, half through gritted teeth, still trying to remove my reddening skin from his clutch. finally with a last tug his fingers slipped out of touch. his eyes narrowing on my face that must have not been pretty nor happy.

"what's wrong with you?" the question made my stomach flip, me? what's wrong with ME? is he serious.

"i don't know! why don't you fucking answer that, you seem to know exactly how you feel about me" i half realised my comment only half answer his question, the remainder of my senstence not making any sense to what he asked. clearly exposing the true meaning to why i was so upset with him.

standing in front of him, his face was blank but his eyes hinted the running thoughts and questions that were flooding his mind, trying to figure out what that statement really meant.

not in anyway did i want to make things easier on him, as he'd made it clear he didn't give a shit about me, so why should i aid his confused state.

"why don't i make it easier for you and go warm someone else's bed"

as soon as i'd quoted his recent rant with taehyung, his face relaxed morphing into an expression of guilt. he knew he fucked up. i could tell he felt bad. not for saying it, probably for getting caught.

"y/n let me explain-" he reached out again, trying to comfort my mad state with his touch, even though i never wanted him near me again.

"No! i already heard how you feel, why should i even be upset, it's not like i ever expected any different from you!" wrong.

the comment looked like it had hurt him, in which i frankly didn't care. whatever show of emotions he wanted to play out, it was all just that. an act. i wasn't watching anymore.

pulling myself out of the situation i never wanted to be in, i fled down the corridor leaving him standing there. guilt ridden.

...

it had been some time. i'm pretty sure the interruption of jimin set me back. i was meant to have showered and been with hoseok by now but i'd only just stepped out of the shower.

wrapping a towel around my body i noticed all the bruises i had earned while being in this place. i ignored them knowing some of them were due to training sessions with jimin, in which he always landed me on my ass. this time no different except i felt like i'd truly lost not only my dignity, but everything i was starting feel while i was with him.

staring now at the foggy mirror before me, i rubbed away the condensation being greated with my reflection. i stared hard, looking at the way my face had somehow changed since being here, i no longer had bloodshot eyes, all the sleepless nights from worrying if my father would come home. no bags under my eyes from the countless times i stayed up waiting for someone to break me out of the hell that was my life. while thinking all of this, i felt like i had just washed away a layer of myself that i didn't want to return to. the layer of dirt that clung to my skin, the layer that made me weak, defenceless, narrow minded. it was time to forget that. i no longer wanted to be the girl that got broken because one guy hurt my feelings. i didn't want to rely on anyone anymore. just myself. i needed to trust myself, protect myself. i know there's no one else that can. especially not him.

if i was going to be this new person. i had to get rid of what had been holding me to this place. what had been holding me in what i thought to be a safety net. the feelings i had for him. they had to be disposed and just like that,

it was as if i never cared.