The Smoke From His Lips

18

Connor walked out of the school next to Jared, just as they did walking in—close and side by side, even earning a slight smile from Jared with every "accidental" trip or nudge or push. Hell, Connor smiled in school. It wasn't like a large grin and a life-filled laugh, not at all, but he was smiling more and more with Jared than he really ever expected.

"Your place?" Jared asked as they walked along the street outside of the school grounds.

Connor shrugged with a quiet sigh, "They want me back home after school, but honestly I don't understand why they're such pricks about it. They barely even let me go to school but apparently since they both have work I can't be alone or whatever. Figures I guess, not like I'm trusted or anything."

"Yeah," Jared hesitated before he glanced up at Connor. "What happened, anyway? You said it's a long story, but we got time now, don't we?"

"Technically I have to be home in like," he paused and checked the time on his phone, "three minutes before Zoe's supposed to call them to say I'm not home. She has to call anyway to say I'm home and like not locked alone in my room or ou'side. It's fuck'n bad when my own sist'r gotta watch me." Jared could tell when he's getting really upset, like when he's genuinely bothered by something, usually self blamed. And Connor did know that Jared could tell but he really couldn't help that. His voice slid and dropped syllables like a shady borough-esque accent.

"Hey, no, it's okay Connor," Jared reassured with a gentle voice. The gentle voice always got him. "You can tell me when or if you're ready, I won't push shit from you. Unless you want me to buy I have no idea why that would be appealing."

"It's really not appealing," Connor let out a small breath of a chuckle.

Connor still just mentally running in circles. Jared deserved to know what made Connor upset, especially what was materialistic. Somehow Connors mind didn't give a reason not to tell Jared, but convinced him anyway. Maybe Jared would leave him, or hate him, or yell at him or even just stare blankly at him. Staring blankly seemed like the worst response because it's unreadable and just plainly stresses Connor the fuck out.

He pulled Jared in the house by the bagstrap and closed the door behind them. "Here! Jared's with me!"

Zoe peaked into the room from the kitchen slightly, making sure they were both there and Connor was physically unharmed. More or less. She was worried as fuck and it was evident. It got Jared's mind reeling but he pushed it aside. "I'll text them, stay safe and all," she mumbled with a sigh and looked away. She couldn't help, she just wanted him happy and she couldn't provide it. Connor just nodded in response.

He hesitated heavily, probably a concerning amount before he muttered, "I will."

He took a deep and uneven breath before he tugged Jared up to his room again, closing the door and opening the window slightly. His first instinct was to reach for a pack. "Connor," Jared interrupted the action. "Try to hold off right now if you can." Connor looked to the cigarettes and then glanced to Jared. He was feeling slightly sick but Jared was more important than feeling sick or tense; his hand slowly slid in his pocket instead of grabbing a smoke. "Talk it out?" Jared offered quietly and a bit hopefully.

Connor just glanced quickly before his eyes fixed outside of the window. He was trying to gather words, eyes subconsciously darting nowhere in particular just to get his thoughts up and rolling. "It's stupid and you won't understand half of it, at very least."

Jared kinda just crinkled his nose and furrowed his eyebrows. "I'm going to try to, and it's not stupid if it bothers you. If I don't understand, you're still like, getting that emotion out, so it's not like entirely useless. That I know of. Granted, I don't know much."

Connor sighed and felt nauseous. He let himself just fall into his bed, groaning quietly after his face hit the pillow. "I doubt you'd understand it, I'm just that fucked up."

See, Jared has talked with Connor, exchanging insecurities and materialistic issues, though Connor very much avoided mental or emotional pains in the past or present. He didn't open too much up, and he knew Jared probably didn't either. Jared frowned slightly, thinking this might be mistrust. He gingerly sat next to Connor.

Connor didn't like the silence as they both just stayed still and thought. The silence made it seem very sudden when Connor mumbled, "It hurts."

Jared looked over quickly. "What hurts? Did someone hurt you? Physi—"

"Myself," he admitted, trying not to show emotion through his voice. He didn't seem noticeably emotional, though his voice was wavering and on the verge of breaking.

"Wait where does what hurt?" Jared adjusted and fully faced Connor, even though Connors face was still smashed into pillows. "Is it physical? Mental? Current? Do you need a first aid kit?"

"No," Connor firmly. He sat up and grabbed his pack of cigarettes.

"Connor, you can't always resort to cigarettes when you don't wanna ta—"

"I have to," Connor snapped quickly and lit a smoke, taking a drag as soon as he could. A large one at that. "I feel sick and tense and don't wanna talk if I don't have one. Leave it alone, I've been doing this since middle school. I know what I'm doing so don't try to get me to quit it when I know I can't."

"Have you ever even tried to quit?" Jared asked quickly, tone harsher than he meant.

Connor flinched. "I never had a reason to. Fuck off, Kleinman. Do you know how addiction works? Nicotine addictions?"

"I know what cigarettes can do to your body and brain," Jared was quick to reply, "and I know addiction. You can't get your mind off of it until you have it."

Connor took a deep breath to level himself out before he could yell. He steadied himself and just sat there. "You don't know shit about it, so how will you know shit about this fucking house arrest?" He wasn't upset. He was frustrated. Dry frustration.

"I want to understand. Just, please," Jared sighed and spoke quieter with each word, "explain it to me. I want to know how to help you and I want to know what you're going through."

"Give me some time," Connor mumbled, barely coherent from how unfocussed he was on reality. "I don't wanna talk. I don't wanna yell, I don't wanna hurt you and I don't want you to leave me alone. Just forget this happened." He licked his fingertips and pinched the cigarette out before adjusted, flicked the remains of it out of the open window and silently sat next to Jared. "I'm sorry I'm such a fucked up kid."

Jared gently put his hand on Connors knee, knowing his knuckles usually are sore and not wanting to accidentally hurt them more, but still wanting almost desperately to comfort or help Connor in some way. "I don't see you as just another fucked up kid, Connor. I don't know what's in your brain right now but it could be something other kids in our grade or friends relate to. Fuck ups are common. It's human nature to be fucked up, unless you're like, inhuman, you're gonna have issues in your head."

Connor shrugged loosely and looked down. He felt guilty. All he thought about was his old school and old friend... who turned into a buddy... who turned into a stranger, and he couldn't stomach the thought of that happening again.
~

Spicy?
Addiction?
Non romantic addiction being seen?
Physical addiction?
That's right kids, education and sadnessw is on its way

There's a friend from the novel by the way, if you haven't read it I don't wanna spoil it a h

Vote and comment and shiiiit