Children of the Gamma

chapter three || v

[ word count : 3,365 ]

[ trigger warning : discussion/mentions of suicide ]

I can't even summon a laugh to cover my shock. "What?"

"You heard me."

"Don't you know enough? He's exiling the Azurdins, and he's the reason Spider almost killed himself."

She just shrugs. "I just want to know if the Upkeeper and your father are two separate people."

You have no idea. I have to refrain from letting this thought show on my face. I wonder if Aria is the kind of person who can sense how literally others can take her questions.

"Does he hit you?"

I gape at her, feeling the weight of her gaze. "Seriously, Aria?" I laugh uneasily. "At least give me a warning first."

She gives me a small smile. "Warnings give you time to hide."

I lift my chin. "How is it any of your business whether or not my father hurts me?" The second I say it, I recognize it as the worst excuse I've ever given anyone.

Stretching out her legs, she props her elbows on her knees. "Because I don't want to just be casual friends with you."

"Oh, we're friends now?"

"I want you in my family. In my now-here kids."

This takes me aback, too. I guess after nearly dying with someone, you can't help but feel emotionally tethered to them. I stare at my feet. "I've...never really talked to the now here kids about him."

Her brow furrows in confusion. "They won't, like, repeat what you say to anyone. Who'd believe them even if—"

"It's not that."

She frowns, expectant.

"It's just...April's dad—Maroe?—put a tracking screw in her. He hit her, starved her, God knows what else. And Kenji and Sora. Their parents wanted to sell her. Dizzy's mom and dad are in prison for crimes they didn't commit. Spider's dad was a good guy, but his slavemaster used to beat Spider in front of them. His parents."

Aria's expression is soft, coaxing. "I'm not talking about their parents."

"My point is, how can I possibly complain about my childhood when those kids had to run for their lives?"

I've never seen such gentleness on anyone's face. Not a trace of pity. "I understand that. But that doesn't mean your troubles aren't valid. Everyone suffers differently."

The thing is, I want so badly to talk, for someone to know what led up to yesterday when Grayson told me he's not my father.

Because here's something I've learned: I'm not sorry that Grayson as a person isn't my father. It's that whole outside-his-bloodline-so-I-can't-save-Solada thing that's getting to me.

"You first," I say, just for the sake of trying. Of stalling.

She chuckles, shakes her head in disappointment. "Nice try." Her face turns solemn. "Does your dad hurt you?"

I stare up at the smoke and fog strangling the sky. "No. He's never hit me, nothing physical."

She just waits.

"Actually...he wasn't really around when I was little. I only ever had my mom. And...I was only nine when she...killed herself."

Now her face shows sympathy, but I don't resent it.