Sugarplums and Second Chances

Chapter Twelve

He shouldn't have told her his feelings, shouldn't have pressured her to stay. Chase raked his fingers through his hair. Shoulders hunched, he sat on the edge of his bed. The clock ticked to one thirty-five a.m. Why had he ever thought someone like Courtney, who had a heart of solid gold, would want to pursue a relationship with him?

Oh sure, she said she'd had happily ever after once and that she'd been falling for him through his letters, but he wasn't stupid. He could read between the lines. She'd had a stand-up guy in JJ. And she'd only grown feelings for Chase because she'd been lonely.

Letters weren't flesh and blood, anyhow. If they were, they'd have told her his deepest secret. He'd never told anyone what happened the day he tracked down Len. The instant he'd driven his truck into the guy, he'd regretted it. Felt sick to his stomach at the burning rage which had led him there. He could have backed up and ran Len over again, finished the job, but he'd put the truck in park, lowered his forehead to the steering wheel and sobbed at what he'd become.

A monster.

And, yeah, he'd spent four years repenting, improving himself through prayer and reading and helping others, but underneath it all, a monster still lurked.

Because if anyone ever threatened Courtney...he'd have to wrestle with his rage all over again, and he didn't know if he could tame the monster inside him.

It never really left. It was part of him.

He dropped his chin, folded his hands.

God, I love her, and I want her to stay more than anything. I want to protect her and spend my days with her. I would love nothing more than to have a house full of babies with that woman. But I know who I am. And maybe she's right to leave. She's better off without me.

A Bible verse he'd memorized in prison came to mind. Ephesians 2: 8. "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast."

Okay, I know I can't earn Your love. I get it. You know the monster in me, and You love me anyway. But I also know sin has consequences. My sins have been many. This is one of the consequences.

Who was he to ask her to stay? To tell her he loved her? To expect her to drop her plans and move to Lake Endwell?

Arrogance had always been his downfall. The take-charge, high-adrenaline, give-it-everything side of him had gotten him far in football, but this wasn't a sport.

He scooted back and sprawled on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. Courtney's words from last week echoed in his head. "You paid the price. You can move on with your life."

Had he paid the price? Or was he paying it now?

Her tears, her plea for him to forget about her was shredding his heart.

How was he supposed to move on without her?

The row of books on his dresser caught his eye. He'd read each one of them multiple times in prison. Strange, but sometimes when he'd been reading in his cell, he'd felt an absolute peace. He'd been able to drown out the distractions. Prayer had come easily, too. He'd become convinced he could do all things through Christ, who strengthened him. And one of those things was to put his loved ones first, especially Wyatt. To consider his son's needs before his own.

Wasn't that what love was all about?

How did Wyatt feel about Courtney?

He shot up to a seated position. Wyatt liked her. Chase knew it. They got along great. Wyatt wouldn't be a problem.