date (book #1)

entry #10

you pushed me down

onto the dirty water

and i was confused

but then again,

what was new?

why was i shocked?

why was i hurt?

i knew what was coming

the moment i saw you and your friends

by the dirty buckets.

yet i closed myself in a bubble

closed myself in a lie

that was eventually popped

by you.

you jeered at me,

pointed at me,

laughed at me.

as everything went blurry

from my tears

and perhaps some shock

my thoughts were surprisingly clear.

you never loved me.

it was a one-sided thing.

why does this always happen to me.

i saw this coming,

why am i surprised?

no one would ever date me,

unless it was a bet.

a damn bet that made me believe that maybe you loved me.

maybe i was worthy of some love

but then again,

maybe love

was never made for me.

your dates were all set up,

pictures were taken by your friends

to show how giddy in love i was

to show how naive i was

to show how foolishly stupid i was

to think that the likes of you

would ever love the likes of me.

i was the school's outcast

you were the school's popular boy.

what a joke.

a fucking joke.

what made me think i had a chance

to be loved

by someone like you?

everything was set up

from the dates that i found cute

to the hand holding this morning.

everything was specifically set up

to break me down and never let me get back up,

to hurt me more than a physical or verbal beating ever would.

the dates were a lie-

the love was a lie-

"forever" was a lie.

but the worst thing you could have told me

was that the one place i found solace and peace,

my secret place that i sit at to get away from the stresses of life,

the secret place i shared with you in hopes that i could one day change it to "our special place",

was the place you took other people to.

you took other girls there,

to my secret place,

and you claimed it as

"your special place".

you took away the one place where i could get away from life,

you took away the love i thought was real

and the worst,

you left all these happy memories of all our dates

on your journey to destroying me.

but at the end of the day,

i still hope that destroying me,

made you happy

because your happiness

was ultimately my biggest goal.

if hurting me meant you were happy,

hurt me all you want,

hurt me over

and over

and over

again.

i just want you happy.

because that's what love is.

isn't it?

-END-