Love Heals The Broken Heart(Namjoon Fanfic)

Is This What Love Is?

I let out a puffy sigh and straighten myself up in my seat. I wiped and picked away the imaginary dusts off my jeans and lowered my head, focusing on the table "I don't know, honestly" I say in a low voice.

"You don't know?" He questions but not in a tone that meant disapproval but out of curiosity. "Why is that?"

My knees were bouncing up and down at this point. I lost almost all control of my own legs so I began to play with the pen on the table, to keep my mind off of them. "I just don't know."

Namjoon nods and hums and puts his glasses back on and stands up from his seat. "Well today's workshop exercise is about loving yourself. Finding yourself. What it means to truly love yourself. For some people love is more than just falling in love with one another and for others, it's about figuring out who they are." He takes out a sheet of blank paper and draws twp separate columns and shows it to everyone.

"Here's what I want you all to do. I want you all to please write down all the things you don't love about yourself. The other column  I want you to write what you love about yourself. Afterwards I would like for you to share what you wrote."

Within seconds the sounds of pens and pencils were quickly being scribbled onto everyone's sheet of paper. I didn't understand why this list was important but soon enough I was able to write down at least 10 things I hated about myself. I looked to my right, eyeballing Jennie who was so focused on her list. Damn she already wrote half a page within seconds. I took a peek at Amber's and her were just the same. 

The room got quiet again now that almost everyone had finished their list. Namjoon was still in his standing position with his arms folded, rubbing his chin with the tips of his fingers. "I see everyone is done. Alright. Anyone care to share first?"

Jennie raises her hands and Namjoon nods his head in approval for her to read.

Jennie stands up and clears her throat before she begins. "Sometimes I hate how I look. When I look in the mirror all I see is flaws. I don't like my hair. I hate how uncomfortable I feel when people look at me as if I'm some monster. I hate how people keep telling me to lose weight only for them to get mad at me if I gain weight. I hate the color of my eyes and I hate my small waist." She finishes and sets her paper back on the table.

"Thank you for sharing. Who would like to go next?" He asks, looking for another raised hand. This time an older male patient decides to share.

He stands up from his seat. With shaky hands he holds onto his paper and reads off what he has written "I hate that I didn't live a much meaningful and fulfilling life. I hate my mental illness and how it prevents me from becoming or being a normal human being. I hate myself for not loving my wife of 25 years and leaving her when she needed me most. I hate the way my body looks and feels. I hate that I let my schizophrenia take over my life and my will to live" His breath hitches and hiccups, eyes now red and swollen from reading his painful thoughts and takes his seat.

"Thank you, Anthony. I'm sure it was very painful for you to share but I'm glad you were able to let it out." Namjoon bows slightly at the now tear eyed man. 

"Would anyone else like to share?" He asks again but this time he calls on me again. 

"Y/N would you care to share with us, please?" 

The hand in which held my piece of paper began to shake. I didn't want to share because I was ashamed of what I had written. I was scared that what I wrote would scare people away or make Namjoon think less of me as his patient.

In a softer yet stern tone he says "Y/N? There's no need to be nervous about sharing your thoughts. You've done this before, and I know you can do it this time." 

With a slight sigh I push myself out of the seat and stand on both feet. I held the paper just a few inches away from my face and began to read what I had written on the paper. "I hate that I have no memory of how or why I got here. I hate the monsters the continue to keep me up at night. I hate my body scars that that were imprinted on me and I don't know who caused them. I hate my flashbacks and my nightmares. I hate everything about me. I hate that I don't know what love is and I hate that I don't know how to love" I slowly sat back down and sank myself into my seat again, dreading how low and sick I felt. I hated this feeling I was having. The whole room felt so cramped that I could suffocate. All my energy was drained just from reading this and I felt even more self conscious and confused about myself. I went from happy one minute to anxious and then depressed. 

"Y/N thank you for sharing. As uncomfortable that was for you, you've managed to complete another challenge to your recovery, just like everyone else here. I admire your courage" And with that he turns his body to the center of the room. "Now I want for you to share what you love about yourself. So who would like to be the first to share this time?"

The room went still and quiet again but no one dared to raised their hand or get up to share. It was weird because everyone was so quick to raise their hands to share what they wrote so isn't anyone sharing this time?

"Hmm,I see no one has anything to share. That's fine" He starts taking slow strides to the front of the room, with his hand on his chin, thinking and planning out another exercise. "As I look around you I see some of you have little to nothing about what you love about yourself. From what I've observed is that when you all ready what you hate about yourself you were all willing to raise your hands and stand up. However for this particular case you all afraid to do what you just did. Here's what I would like for you all to do, I want you to find answers to whatever you have or have not written about what you love about yourselves. Until then thank you all for your participation and see you on our next workshop this week" With that he nods and takes a seat back at the round table, bidding a farewell to all of the patients as they left for their other workshops and other activities.

 I was the last person to leave the room until Namjoon calls out for me, making pause in my tracks

"Y/N can I talk to you for a moment?" He says with half his body turned toward mine.

"Y-Yes. Sure" I stutter, taking slowly strides to where he was sitting

"Y/N there's something interesting about you from the rest of the patients here. You have a voice and yet you chose to hide it."

"Well...I don't know why I just do. I'm stuck I should say"

"You remind me of someone I knew" His eyes gleamed

"Really? Who do I remind you of, if I may ask?"

He pushes himself away from the table, leaning his elbow on the table while resting his chin on his hand. "I don't know. Sometimes I don't have answers to my own questions"

I blush a little at the way his dimples showed as his lips curved into a small grin. How can a man like him be this beautiful?

"I guess you have questions that needs to be answered then" I chuckle with a slight shrug. His lips curved into an even bigger smile, getting the joke that I just made. I could faint just from his smile.

"You're quite humorous Y/N. You have a great day and I'll see you at our next appointment" 

I made my way to the door and exited the room and close the door behind myself. My stomach felt like there were butterflies in them. An odd feeling I've haven't has since I can remember. 

Am I really falling in love with Namjoon? Is this what love feels like?