Finding Heaven

Part 8: 1993

It had been a hard few months for the youngest member of the band. In fact Robbie would probably go so far as to say it'd been the worst few months of his life. The November leg of their first tour, as small as it was, had been crazy but was now thankfully finished. The lads had then temporarily all gone their own separate ways to spend a peaceful Christmas at home with their families. Yet the festive period had been anything but peaceful inside Robbie's head. Each night he'd lay in bed, agonising for hours; wondering and worrying what was wrong with him. Tossing and turning all through the night, as dark thoughts continued to plague and torture him, depriving him of any rest.

His mum could tell something was up, she kept asking him about Take That, and far too many questions for Robbie's liking that it had him worried she may actually suspect something. What that 'something' was, Robbie didn't dare think on too long – he couldn't, it made him so scared. He had even found himself trying to over compensate in other ways: buying dirty mags, and commenting on how fit some woman on the TV was; it didn't matter if he was talking to his sister or his mum at the time – he just needed to hear himself chat about girls. He knew he was lying to himself though; that there was only one person he thought about constantly, someone he wanted in a way he found so terrifyingly confusing. Someone that occupied every erotic fantasy Robbie could muster in his head, which kept him up late at night, and left him feeling dirty and uncomfortable every morning. There was just no escape from his yearning nightmare; Robbie's mind was now his own personal torturer, and his body with its unwavering 'want', was his new enemy.

If he thought about it, Robbie would've realised things had been simmering under the surface for a while (although he'd never admit it); what with the staring, the awkwardness, and the utter confusion of that incident at the studio. However, the real agonising torment Robbie was now suffering, only really begun with the incident on the bus. Everything before that, Robbie had easily dismissed. But since that moment on the bus, when Robbie's own body had seemingly turned against him in the most confusing way imaginable (at least, to him), all hell had broken loose in Robbie's head. His head was now a complete mess, and since that moment on the bus; all the rest of the shows, spending all that time around Gary, seeing him each day, feeling him close by – it'd all been pure agony for Robbie. He had endured it as best he could; yet just seeing Gary's face, remembering the effect he'd had on Robbie's own body, the thoughts it had conjured (and annoyingly continued to do so) was just too much for Robbie.

To cope the only way he knew, Robbie had spent the whole of November being two different people. To the outside world, he was still the fun-loving, cheeky Robbie and it was a persona he was now becoming very adept at putting on as soon as the lights went on. However, in his head he'd begun to somewhat isolate himself from the others; struggling in silent torment to the point it was unbearable. Finally feeling completely overwhelmed by his own thoughts, and utterly betrayed by his own body – 'ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME!!!'  or so he'd inwardly yell, Robbie had then turned to alcohol to numb the angst and pain away. But his thoughts continued to plague him; and trying to deal with his own head was so exhausting, so he begun to drink more and more.

None of this was apparent to Gary of course. He had no idea. Sure he'd vaguely noticed Robbie was somewhat avoiding him (more so than usual), and would go so far as to believe Robbie might actually be trying to avoid even looking at him. But then Gary also knew the lad didn't like him much, and if he was honest he cared little for the young'un, in return. Still, even with all that said, there was no denying to Gary, that he now considered Robbie Williams to be somewhat of a head fuck! He couldn't put words to it, he wasn't even sure how exactly Robbie did it, but something about Robbie messed with Gary's head a bit. Gary did indeed find him a Jekyll and Hyde type at times, particularly when comparing 'alone in the studio shy' Robbie with 'very drunk and laddish' Robbie; yet still was there more to it? He pondered. Gary wasn't sure – but he then also didn't care to waste too much time thinking about it when he was so busy with other things. Their debut album was still sitting high in the charts and yet Nigel was already having a go about getting on to the second album. Gary had a few songs he was working on, but they weren't even close to being ready to be heard. He just about had time to sit down to Christmas dinner with his family, and then he was back to it – staying up late at night writing, then recording as best he could during the day, before deciding it was no good, starting off all again from scratch.