Psychological Affairs

Chapter Thirty-Six: Empty

I stared blankly at Chris’ walls, blinking every once in a while. I didn’t even notice Chris’ presence until I saw his body in front of me. His arms were crossed and squinted as he leaned in towards me.

“You okay?” He asked.

                I blinked a while to process what he was saying until I finally opened my mouth and spoke.

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure? You seem—distant. You can tell me anything.” He said, examining me with his eyes.

                I looked up at him, blinking a while as I processed what he was saying. I took a deep breath and sighed.

“How do you feel?” He asked.

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you ‘don’t know’?” He asked, sitting beside me.

                I turned to him and shrugged.

“I don’t know how I should feel. I don’t think I feel anything.” I said with a cool nonchalance.

“You mean you feel empty?” He asked.

“Yeah. Am I supposed to feel this way?”

“It depends. Anything bad happened to you today? How long have you been feeling this way today?”

“After I finished working for the day and I had a typical day. Nothing happened. You think it’s the mood stabilizers?”

“No, they don’t kick in until around a month. These are your real emotions now. Have you ever felt this way before?”

“Yeah—sometimes. It’s been a while though.”

“How long do they usually last?”

“I don’t know. Maybe a couple of hours, minutes, or a day.”

“Then you’re fine. It’s not like it lasts for days as if you’re bipolar.”

“Is it possible to be both?”

“Yes. Many Borderlines are comorbid, or have co-disorders and bipolar disorder is one.”

                I sighed, sinking slowly into my seat. He sat by next to me, observing me closer.

“How many comorbids do I have?”

“I would say none, but I don’t know. You haven’t been to a psychiatrist in four years. I haven’t seen your file-“

“Can I see my file?”

                I watched as he bit his lip. I knew what he was going to say, no.

“I can give you it, but I can’t.” My eyebrow went up.

“What do you mean, you can’t? You’re hiding something, aren’t you?” 

“No, but the law states that I can’t give you your files due to the fact that it will probably hinder your current treatment.”

“What could possibly be in there that could hinder treatment?”

“There are doctors’ notes, diagnosis, and other observations.”

“That doesn’t sound bad.”

“That’s what most people say before reading it and then they end up institutionalized.”

I frowned, sliding further and further down my seat.

“You know, your feelings of emptiness could be just from an environmental stressor. Stressed about anything? You know, work? Life? School?”

“Work. Work is just-it’s just-there’s so much on my plate and I’m not even a lawyer, just a secretary. I work harder than the other secretaries around me.”