SCATTERED ┋ a personal book

→ social problems

2.11.18

hey y'all, thanks to those of you who are popping in to see what this is about.

today, i'd like to talk about social anxiety.

a boring topic? yes, maybe so, but i need to vent. i dunno.

recently, i feel like my social anxiety has been pretty bad. i never really thought of myself as someone who would have social anxiety, and to be honest, i don't really know if i do. i would've never considered it until my mom used that term in front of my therapist a month ago. it was really weird to imagine that, since i've always considered myself as simply "shy" or "socially awkward." however, it really made me think after that.

i don't really like talking about this shit because it's uncomfortable.

i've been looking a little more into this topic because things have been getting worse and i'm honestly starting to think i'm crazy or something. not gonna lie, i genuinely don't trust myself. what i see or what i feel. i don't know what i'm good at or what i'm not good at.

but i do know that i fucking suck at talking to people.

constantly worrying about what other people think of you totally blows. declining invites to parties because you're "uncomfortable being in an odd numbered group" or stupid things like that. i usually decline invites to peoples' houses because i just don't like the idea of hanging out one on one. hanging out one on one means less people to fill the awkward silence when you can't think of anything to say.

i'm not very good at speaking either. what i feel and what i say are completely different things.

i feel things at a very deep level and it's almost overwhelming. but i have the hardest time expression my emotions verbally. i wear my emotions on my damn sleeve, and it's annoying because it sparks conversation that i don't want.

i'm tired of hearing "are you okay?"

weird? maybe. but i honestly hate hearing that. i get it, people feel obliged to ask someone else if they're okay. whatever. i do it to. but for me personally, that just makes it worse.

if i'm pissed, of course i'm not gonna want to fuckin' talk to you.

either way, my answer's gonna be "i'm fine."

not because i'm trying to be a bitch, but it's too hard to explain and will only make me angrier if i try to explain it.

i have a bad temper and calming down i really hard for me to do. i get irritated by the smallest things. but if i'm pissed, please, for the love of God, let me be. "tell me what's wrong right now" isn't gonna work either, so don't even start.

now back to the point. i don't consider myself an eloquent speaker. i don't have intellectual conversations. not because i'm a dumbass, but because words don't come to my head that quickly. i'm not a quick thinker, and translating feelings into words is so incredibly difficult?

this is so stupid lol i don't know how to explain. ughhh.

in conversation, i don't talk a lottt? but when i do, it's not super pretty or anything. it's a lot of "um" and "uh" and "like."

and the worst thing about that is i worry about how other people view he way i speak. i use "um" and "uh" and "like" because i can't process the words fast enough and i'm afraid of awkward silence. to tell the truth.

let's move onto something else now.

seeing people in hallways.

my worst fear.

again, this is gonna sound fucking silly. but i hate running into people in hallways or in public. the anxiety that fills me when i see somebody in the hallway is soooo terrible? dunno about you but it sucks. because i know i have to greet them, and if i don't, i'm a terrible person and friend. but if i do, then maybe they won't hear me and everybody else will watch me miserably fail in attempt to be a good person. it goes something like this.

me: *sees person in hallway*

me: *puts head don't and pretends not to see them*

me: *brings head up because i feel bad* "hello."

person: *walks by without seeing me*

me: *panics and slams head against wall*

but yeah, that's basically what it's like. the reason i always have my head down in my phone and my earbuds in is because i'm afraid of having to say hi to somebody. seriously.

don't even get me started on friendships.

friendships are so hard. i mean. why?

I DON'T KNOW!

why do they have to be so difficult? why do they require so much commitment?

couldn't tell ya.

now, like i said earlier, i have a bad habit of declining things. declining invites, declining calls, declining everything.

at this point, people have just stopped inviting me to shit because they know i'm just gonna day no.

and you have no idea how awful i feel about it.

one of my biggest fears is being left out.

it happened seventh grade when i went to a swim party and most of the group went to go play spin the bottle. but i didn't want to play because i dunno. i didn't want to. i'm sorry! it's not a fun game and i didn't want mono. and i didn't like the idea of being so close to one of those boys because i didn't like those boys.

anyways, long story short, i got left out and was hanging out mostly by myself. not gonna get into detail but i may or may not have been kicked out of the group circle because i wasn't allowed to "just observe" and i had to play. no way! i didn't wanna be a thot. i was thirteen, leave me alone. probably why i haven't been kissed yet but whatever! at least i don't get mono.

the hardest part about friendships is i just never really seem to know who my friends are.

i've discovered that i get along with boys a lot better than girls because the girls at my school are all fucking thots and care too much about superficial shit. i'm sorry, but i don't care about that shit.

all i want is to have a nice conversation about silly things.

a lot of my more acquaintance-friends are super boring too. they don't have senses of humor (and i guess i can't judge because i'm not funny either) and they talk sooooo   m o n o t o n e .

i have a close-ish group of friends at my current school, and it's fun and all, but it's starting to get pretty not fun. mostly because two of them are dating and i really just get left out of the conversation anyways.

i just don't know who my genuine good group of friends are. it sucks.

there's a guy in my photography class who's really sweet and i like him but it's been so long since i've "liked" somebody i just can't even tell. i don't hang out with him enough to be able to tell if i like him or not. but i know i like being around him and he's super chill and laid back.

but for me to be able to like somebody, we have to be pretty close. i'm not really the type of person to develop those feelings for someone without even knowing them well.

i think talking to him more will make me happy though because we have very similar interests and we're close in age (seven days apart but i'm older). we'll see.

anyways, i realize i just got so carried away with rambling i didn't even realize how off topic and distracted i got. lol. my bad, yikes.

have a good weekend, until next time!