The Door To The Beauty Of Life

10 honest thoughts on

When in my last relationship I related really hard to this poem Rachel Wiley is one of my favorite poets. I like to call this my unfortunate part two. 10 honest thoughts on bring dumped by a skinny boy)

10 Honest thoughts on being dumped by a skinny boy.

1: he said I still love you. But I think I love her to and I just don't want to hurt you. This should hurt but I was proud. He is here at least being half honest with me. My question is why do I not believe the first half ...why can't I believe he loves me still.

2: I still haven't had a good cry. I have cried some but it's not been one of those heart breaking sobs and slobby tear cries that come with a break up like this. I think it's because I had mentally prepared for this months ago and I'm still in shock it took so long.

3: why do i compare myself to her. i look at her picture and i just see thinks i want to have or wish i already did. her soft hair, her bright eyes, her skinny waist her nice thighs.

4: why the hell is everyone asking me if im okay. as if my entire existance was dependant on him being my boyfriend. i know it was earth shattering for the fat goth outcast to become the skinny popular boys girlfriend, but that doesnt mean him being gone suddenly changes who i am.

5: a kid who i knew already hated me. thought i faked a sprained ankle because my ex was helping me get around because of it. i got so angry i walked up to him and threw the er recipe at him. im not some weak girl. i dont need a excuse to keep someone around.

6: why is he changed. where has my best friend gone. where is the guy who worried about me. who laughed with all of his friends while we hanged out every day. why does he seem like a ghost in the halls all of a sudden. why does it feel like i have lost not just a boyfriend but my only real confident.

7: i realized how many of my friends where his when we broke up. his cousin whos dating my friend stopped coming around and when he did so did she. my best friend who is his too comes around but shes always angry. turns out im not the only one hes ignoring or being a jerk to. all my friends will full stop mid conversation when i come around cause they are worried about upsetting me.

8: i think i realized how well my anti depressants work. cause i feel like my world is falling out from under neath me but for some reason im not falling. im stressed and i want to scream and cry and throw things. but instead i read, or sleep, or write and pretend everything is still alright. 

9: i look in the mirror and all the things i forgot how to see suddenly are there again. the uggly purple marks, the rolls and the moles and annoying gape in my teath. the fact my hair just wont stay right.

10: i hate that this has effected me so much. i hate that this burns me. i hate that i feel so broken. and i hate...that is now..when im saying all this out loud and on paper...now is when i finally am going to cry.