FOR ALL THE GIRLS !

07. entry

[ YOU'LL PLAY GAMES WITH HER MIND, FUCK AROUND WITH HER EMOTIONS, DISRUPT HER SENSE OF SECURITY TO THE POINT WHERE SHE ENDS UP FEELING LIKE SHE ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH. ISN'T WORTHY ENOUGH. AS IF THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER WHEN REALLY...

IT'S YOU.

THERE'S SOMETHING FUCKING WRONG, WITH YOU !
— the crimson kiss. ]

♡

Dear diary,

I'm scared of falling in love.

I'm also scared of commitment. Isn't that weird? I know how most girls in my age group, all they talk about is falling in love.

It's all a fun game for them really, find someone that can pay your bills, hold your hand, someone you can rant to and cuddle with and skip school for.

Someone you'll blow your friends off, someone who you'll defend even though he's hit you every Tuesday and kissed your scars on Wednesday.

For them he's the one who you think you can count on, but is the one to get you drunk on Sunday night, not caring about the consequences of Monday because he's a boy and no one really cares about the mistakes he's made.

He's the one you'll make fun of your best friend with, because love is love and there's nothing purer. Doing everything with the one you love is a good thing after all.

No one thinks about the repercussions of skipping school on a Thursday or telling your parents you're at Sunday school even though you're making out with your boyfriend at his house, clothes off.

No one tells you to think twice when you tell him you love him and he takes it for granted and gives himself the power to slap words at you when he's mad. No one tells you to think again when you tell him you're ready to have sex and you forget the pill.

After that, it's your fault. No one told you anything but once everything happens it's your fault.

Love makes people blind.

Don't get me wrong though, I don't think there's anything wrong with losing your virginity or telling your boyfriend that you love him.

I do think there's something wrong when you get your priorities wrong and think of him as a being higher than anyone else, even your mother that you lied to her to get where you wanted to go to.

I think it's wrong to blow your best friend off or to choose him over the ones that are definitely gonna be the people that will comfort you when he breaks your petty heart.

And most of all I think it's wrong to stay with him and call it love when he hits you and abuses you. It's not love.

I do like the idea of falling in love. If you choose the right person I'm pretty sure everything can seem like a dream.

I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I fantasize what it'd be like, to have someone truly like you for who your are, shower you with kisses and tell you you're beautiful.

I long to hear some romantic sentence like "you're all I think about." Or "you're amazing."

It'll never happen.

While I think it's beautiful I'm scared. Commitment is also scary and what's more scary is marriage.

Hear me out. (Lol what am I saying, you're a book for god sakes) I'm being practical (also a wuss)

What I'm saying is that you have to be extremely careful in order to not get hurt. Because one of the most scariest things I've ever seen, is how feelings and people change within the blink of an eye.

You have to make sure he really loves you and that he's not putting on an act. You have to make sure he won't start hitting you later on. This one is really scary and I've seen movies and read books where the wife is in an abusive relationship. It's frightening and it makes me want to crawl under a bed.

You have to make sure he doesn't cheat on you. You have to make sure he doesn't get bored of you.

See? There are so many troubles that comes with love and marriage.

I am aware that a relationship is an experiment, that breakups and cheats happen. But can you say the same for marriage? A vow isn't strong enough for a man's opportunity for infidelity. Trust me it's not.

I know people go through it all the time, breakups and divorces. But just because it's generalized, is it okay for me to shrug and say it happens? Is it okay for me to normalize it? To normalize cheating?

I can't.