Skeleton Reviews

How To Hurt| -queen_of_sass

Client: @NotAPig
Book title: How To Hurt
Chapters read: All

Title: How to Hurt is a different title for sure, but not sure if it is the right one for the story. Maybe How It Hurts, or something like
that, would be better? Your choice, of course, but to me the 'how' part doesn't click.

Cover: I personally have no clue how the cover and story connects. The image doesn't correlate with what you are aiming for. I get that Alice is 'falling" down an empty path, but this doesn't seem the way to represent it. In addition, the title is too small and very hard to understand and the author's name is indistinguishable. It's way too small. The title is also placed in a very odd area. Overall, this cover needs work. (Check out Revenant Graphics!)

Blurb: The blurb speaks of a dark and alluring story for sure, but it needs some work. I suggest adding some mystery element, something that makes readers' breath catch and wants to open up the first page of your book. It should also be 'wake from coma' not awaken, as awaken sounds odd. I also think the plot, like I said, should be slightly more revealed with tidbits of suspense attached to it. It is not a bad blurb, but it could be even better.

Realism: While this story is told as dreams and days, I think for the most part the story stuck on realism. It is interesting to see a story told from the point of a coma patient, but sometimes I think your character was too aware that she was in a coma. People in comas don't usually realize they are in a coma. The use of 'dream' and 'day' to separate what is real and isn't doesn't seem ideal to me. She wouldn't know what is a dream and what is reality if she is in a coma right? In addition, when the day parts are narrated, it seems like your character hears her through her coma, which I suppose she could. We never know what happens to people in comas, but it does seem odd that she tries to respond and is able to differentiate that it is something real and not a dream that she trying to respond too.

I also found the part where she calls her mother 'evil bitch' to be a tad extreme without any reason supplmented to it and seemed a tad unrealstic for me.

In terms of emotions, you evoke them beautifully and they all felt realistic.

Plot: While I like where the plot is potentially heading, from what I have read, I see no plot progression. The same few items are dragged on for chapters after chapters. They do sound poetic and lyrical, but I felt I was reading the same thing over and over. Despair, upon despair, upon despair. Anger. Sadness. Hopelessness. When are the secrets going to be revealed? Even a tidbit would be good, but I see nothing so far. It felt repetitive and very slow.

Literary Devices: A few were used here and there like 'flood of memories' and such, but I think more can be used to deliver a greater emotional impact to your story and make your prose stronger.

Description: Little to none were used. I suppose this is intended to me a short story, but still, the only description was of emotions and even that started to stretch a bit when I hit the seventh chapter. It started to become redundant. I suggest adding more description and make your writing flavorful. When you describe how her friends ditched her, show us how they look. Show us! While the description of sadness and hopelessness is portrayed well, lack of description of the setting, other characters and such makes your writing flat. Yes, she is in a coma, but coma patients can dream many things. Talk to use about these dreams. You described her appearance, the hospital here and there, but this can be largely developed on.

Sentence flow/pacing: I think your sentence flow is a bit choppy here and there. I will pinpoint a few a bit later. I think a lot of your
sentences are very short and some of them can be made longer to provide a better impact on the story as a whole.

Pacing, as I said, is very slow. It felt a little repetitive. I like how you slwoly reveal bits and pieces of Alice's life, but I do think things can be sped up more so we actually get into the heart and root of why she decided to take her own life. What are the secrets to be revealed, the ones you promsied in your blurb?

Originality: While I like the story told from a coma patient's perspective which has been done before but not too much. There were some places where your story did lack originality-

1. The part where she looks in the mirror to describe herself. Done way too much and is very generic.

2. The 'best friend broken apart and become 'archenenemies' kind of thing. The role where the best friend just ditches Alice reeks of
cliche, as there are so many books where friends turn their back on another.

Characters:
Protagonist: While on an emotional level I could interact with Alice, I only really got to see on side of her: depressed and suicidal. I would like to see how she was before this. Was she happy> Did she smile often? Did the air chime with her laughter? I don't really get a good feel of her except for despair upon despair.
Antagonist: From what I can see, you have two anatgonists here. Both her own mind and her friends. While I understand the battle with her thoughts, the dilemna between Alice and her friends need to be delved into more.
Sides- N/A

Grammar:

There were quite a few tense shifts here and there, where you switched from present to past and back again. You also have a few dialoague puncutation errors and missing end punctuation. Here is a quick brush through at what caught my eye, including awkward wording:

prologue:

- repulsing myself sounds odd. Maybe I was repulsed by myself would be better?
-grasped the air sounds odd
- slipped from conciousness like a corpse- this makes no sense and sounds odd.
-'when you can't use it' - this reference to time, personally, feels very odd.

day one
- scars is a typo. I think you meant scares :)

dream one

- glances doubtfully in this context seems odd.
-curious fear sounds odd
- you are missing punctuation for 'one two three steps'
- tense shift. Needed should be need.
-tense shift in this line: ' I could touch it' . Could= can.
- spelling mistakes. amd = and

day two
its= it's here

day 3
- ' I awaken with a jolt' sounds off.
- echo's should be echoes.
- run on sentence her. End sentence at '.... today'. Begin new one with 'Lucky for me...'

dream three
-'is more than friend' reads odd

day 4
- should be "Hey, Alice" [comma after hey and before name]
- so cliche occuring- sounds odd

dream 4

- mottled? I don't understand this.

Anything else: First of all, because this story starts off with a pretty clear implication of suicide, this story according to WP
guidelines has to be marked Mature. I urge you to do so before it gets flagged and you don't have a choice. Such graphic implications of suicide can be triggering to readers so I really advise you to mark it mature immediately.

Secondly, while your prose is poetic in nature and I commend you for it being so lyrical, I do think your prose gets lost in purple prose, ie too much poetic sentences and lyrical words. I think a large chunk of it can be cut down and the plto slowly revealed to us. (Check out the chapter about purple prose in Draugr Writing Tips!)

Thirdly, though this is first person, there are other ways to start a sentence without using 'i'. A lot of your sentences start with 'i' and I felt that there was no sentences variation. I suggest working on this.

Next, while I like the poetic allure of centrally aligned paragraphs, this makes your story less like prose and more like poetry which isn't what you are aiming for, I assume. The center alignment seems misplaced and it loses the traditional sense of story.

Finally, in several areas you use numbers like '3' instead of spelling them out. I suggest doing so as numbers below hundred, in prose, is usually written like 'three'.

Overall, I am intrigued by the premise of the story but it does need some tightening up. Hope this review helps and thanks for choosing me as your reviewer.