Marrying Him ?

Delusional

"WHAT!!??" His face went pale hearing my words.

"I.... I- participated in an illegal drug testing. For money. Those drugs were very powerful and had many adverse effects. And.....And..... One of it's adverse affect was on reproductive organs. It took a toll on my body....d-destroying most of my ovum (ovum=eggs) rendering me barely fertile."

"Tell me you are lying Ahaana," he asks with desperateness seeping into his voice.

"By the time it was discovered and the stop taking drug, it was too late. I have less than 30% chances of being a mother Ajay." A horrible truth I have been trying to forget till this moment. Yet I could never forget it. Even now I can still feel the anguish and the helplessness I experienced when doctor informed me about my condition. It's not like you are completely infertile, you do have chances of getting pregnant but very low chance than normal females.

And to know the news just a few days after my real mother's death was like a fatal blow to me. Loosing mother whom I couldn't know better and loosing the chance of being a mother....two things any human being should never experience. The only thing I kept pushing myself so far, was my promise to my real mother who asked me to complete my studies and get a real job so I can stand on my feet. And be in a position where I can help people like her, who need my help. She wanted me to complete her dream. That's the only reason I'm still alive. To fulfill them.

As I always say I dreamt of me being with Ajay many times, but I'm aware of my reality. And how much Ajay loves children. How devasted he was when his ex girlfriend aborted his baby. And now I dropped a bomb where he can't become father like he wished.

After his marriage alliance, truth of my condition made me realize that Ajay is best with a girl who can fulfill his dream of happy family with kids than being with me, who can never make him happy. That's why I came to the decision, to 'just' enjoy my time with him without thinking about consequences, so I can cherish those memories in later stages of my lonely life.

"Why are you telling this to me now Ahaana?" His voice brings me back to present. "You could have waited till our marriage. You didn't have to tell me about this now. Why? Why did you tell me now Ahaana??"

His words confuse me. "Why would I conceal such big matter Ajay?

"I don't know." He replies in a dejected tone.

"I could easily deceive you and marry Ajay. But I don't want that. In truth I never expected that our relationship to come to this stage. So I never thought I had to explain about my past or my condition. I didn't want to experience shame, humiliation and pain that comes along when I tell those things. I'm so sorry for thinking about myself all this time and never telling you. And I'm grateful that you overlooked over my birth history and accepted to marry me Ajay. But AJay.... Life never goes as we expected....." I had to halt for a split second to repress my own emotions that are threatening to crack my nonchalant facade I'm keeping right now infront of Ajay.

"..... Can you still accept me after knowing that I might be infertile? Can you still accept me if you come to know about the sins I committed in my past? Can you still accept me after knowing I'm not as pure and innocent as you think I am? Can you still accept me-??" I choke at the last word.

Not waiting for his reply I wipe my tears and give him small smile, "I'll be outside Ajay...." waiting for you, "If you don't want to go through your surprise, I won't be surprised Jay." And I bolt for there, giving him Time to digest what I have said. And time to abandon me.

Like everyone.

With heavy heart I take tentative steps to the altar, where church Father is already waiting for us. I stand there with dried tears on my face, and heavy heart for Ajay to emerge from that room.