Gone

Chapter 33: No I Hate You

"So tell me about one of your books. Start off with The Loneliness of Crows," Ms. Lynx said.

I twisted my ring around my finger. It had been weight on my finger. I looked down at it and the green diamond wasn't shining anymore. "Well um, it's about a guy who goes to this town. He's a teenage runaway and found himself in the town of Crows. Everyone lives the same life and nothing ever changes. Then he arrives and meets a young ambitious girl who wants to explore the world. She keeps him in her basement as a refugee and they fall in love." I say annoyed. I've explained the book a thousand times before.

"How did it end?" she asks.

"The girl gets killed in a car crash and the guy continues his life as a refugee," I saw and push me hair back.

"Why did you make her die?" I look at her confused. "Why did it have such a bad ending?"

"Because good endings don't exist. Everybody dies. It usually is prematurely. It also makes for a best seller."

"Do you think you're going to die prematurely?"

"No, I think I have to sit here and watch people I love leave. Everybody leaves. Everybody I love at least, so now all I need you to do is help me stop loving people so I don't feel bad when they leave," I say coldly.

"Have you written anything recently?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't. I don't care about writing. I don't see the good in anything anymore. I can't write a story about love because all it does is destroy. I can't write about happiness because I have no idea how it feels to be happy and I can't write about pain because it hurts to damn much to bring it all back up."

"Your quote, 'I have love and lost and loved again but still my strength does not forsake me' what did that mean to you?"

"It meant that losing someone you love is agonizing and painful and once you choose to love again you are putting everything back out on the line. It's hard and draining when you have to risk losing someone again. So if you have strength at the end, if it stays with you after going through that type of pain you can go through anything."

"Then you can go through anything Charlie. You have loved someone and lost so many and look at you, you're still here. You're a strong beautiful woman. You just need to learn that again. That's why you're here, not because you need to stop loving."

"That's just it. I'm not able to love anymore. It's too hard. I'm not strong enough for this anymore. I can't love again it's impossible. It hurts too much. I don't want to love again for people's sake. I was meant to be alone."

"Go home and write something. Come back and share it. We're done."

My eyes flick up to the clock. We still have twenty minutes left. "It's not four o'clock yet."

"I said we're done. I'll see you in two days Charlie. Nice talking to you." She says. I stand up and grab my coat off the coat rack. I wrap my scarf around my neck and put on my gloves. I drove home. Niall had texted me that the boys didn't have any recording today and offered to come over. I declined expecting Harry to be there when I got home. He wasn't.

I called Niall as I walked into the house. "Yeah actually I think it would be nice to see you," I say into the phone.

"Ok, I'll be over there in a bit." Niall said. I hang my coat on the coat rack and take off my shoes. I drop my keys on the coffee table and walk to the bathroom. The house is silent and off putting, the only sound radiating from the bottom of my feet.

I look in the mirror and splash some cold water on my face trying to wake up my senses. Everything was numb again. I put a stopper into the sink and watched as it filled up. When it got to the brim I stopped the water and dunked my face in. I closed my eyes and held my breath. After about thirty second my lungs began to beg for air but I wouldn't let up, not yet.

I opened my eyes but my vision was spotty. I lifted up my head and took in a deep breath trying to regain my composure. I wiped my face with a towel while regulating my breathing again. I heard the front door open. I walked out the bathroom. "Niall is that you?" I asked walking into the living room. Harry was right there.

"No I'm sorry it's not your other boyfriend," he spat at me. "Why do you talk to him Charlie? Why do you allow him to touch you and hug you but you can't even look at more than a couple of seconds? I'm supposed to be the one you lean on. I'm supposed to be the one you talk to when we go through this shit!" Harry yelled the last sentence. I jumped back.

He surprised me with his aggressive tone. "Are you cheating on me with him?" Harry asked.

"How the hell could you ask me that?"

"Because I figured there had to be some reason I can't even sleep in my own fucking bed. Because you don't talk to me. You don't look at me. You won't let me touch you. Now if you excuse me I'm tired I'm going to my side of the house," Harry said and walked pass me. I caught his scent. It was perfume. For a woman. I tear ran down my face.

"You are," I whisper without turning around to look at him. I hear his footsteps stop.

"What?" he asked. I turn around and look at him.

"You're cheating on me. Aren't you?" I ask tears running down my face.

"No."

"How could I be so stupid? You've been out all night. Of course you are! It's not like you haven't done it before. It wouldn't be hard for you! Would it?"

"I'm not cheating on you Charlie shut up."

"Why? Why should I? You selfish little bastard. You get to stay out all night and be happy while I sit at home and practically kill myself! You never loved me did you? You never loved me or Bella did you?"

"Shut up Charlie! Shut up right now!"

"No! Harry this is all your fault! You did this to her and to me! You let her die! You promised me I could love her then you let her die! It's all your fault! I hate you Harry so much! Why did you do this to me?"

"Charlie shut the fuck up! I love you and Bella. How dare you tell me I never loved my own daughter!" he walked over to me yelling. I stepped back slowly.

"Because you didn't! Why have I never seen you cry over her! You've never shed a tear! You don't love me! You never loved Bella! You're evil and you've destroyed me! I loved you and I trusted you and you lied to me! You're a liar! I hate you Harry! Why would you do this to me! You told me it would be alright and it's not it's not alright! You said they wouldn't leave me and now they're gone! Gone!"

"You evil bitch! I loved Bella just as much as you did. How dare you blame it on me! You're evil and selfish! She was my daughter just as much as she was yours and I'm going through hell just like you! I can't believe you would even say that to me! Now no I'm not cheating on you but I am out trying to bury the thought of my fiancé hating me."

My phone begins to vibrate on the coffee table. Harry reaches for it and grabs it. "Hey Niall if you don't mine I would like to spend some time alone with my fiancé," Harry nearly yells into the phone.

"Harry give me my phone!" I run over to him. I try and reach from behind but I can't reach on top of him. "Harry!" I yell louder reaching for my phone. He hangs up and throws it at the wall. I watch it as it shatters. "What the fuck is your problem!" I yell hitting his back. "I hate you! It's all your fault! I hate you! I hate you!" I yell and continue to hit into his back.

He turned around quickly and pushed me back. I fell back onto the floor. I sting came from my lip. I touch it and see blood on my finger. "Charlie," he says and rush over to me. I get up quickly. He hit me. I bite my lip but the tears were already running down my face too quickly. He hit me. "Charlie I'm sorry," he says with apologetic eyes. I walk to the coffee table and grab me keys. I walk to the coat rack and put it on and my scarf. I open the door and look back at him.

My ring began to burn into my skin. My finger felt like it was about to fall off. I took it off and placed it on the table next to the door. I didn't mean it to hurt Harry. The ring was burning an impression onto my skin and when I looked at it, it felt missed placed.

I walked out without another word.