Panda's diary

XIV

23/10/20XX

Hey there!
I didn't come here in forever...
And actually I don't even know why, cause things didn't get better at all.
Everything stills messy as always, I'm unstable and I think I can even call it unsupportable...

So first talking about the little good things in my life, today I got to be with the few friends I have, we went all out together and gladly Tiger came as well.
We spent a really good time actually, I loved to be with them, it makes me feel happy and makes me genuinely laugh and smile at anything they do or say.

We spent the whole day together, it was lots of fun and silly conversations as always.
But then it came the time to say goodbye to all of them, I don't want to say goodbye, it's sad, I want to be more and more with them, cause I really feel good, they take all the problems away, even if they're still there at night, they take them away for a good period of time!

Anyway that sad moment came, but for my happiness Tiger stood with me. He came home with me so we could spend a little more time together.

It had everything to be perfect, it's him anyway, but yeah little Panda here had to ruin things as they always do...
We were talking about something and from that it kinda went to an argue...
Well to be honest we are always fighting over anything really, but are little things that goes away as fast as it came.
Today it was kinda more serious than any other day, so, the problem is I'm too much jealous...
c'mon he's my best friend why the hell am I always so paranoid over him... why am I always so possessive... it can make him go away, be more distant...
I don't want that, but the truth is that I do really little (if I even do anything at all) to make him stay with me...

I just want him for me.
I'm always so afraid that he can find anyone better (which is not hard at all).

He always gets so mad at me, he gets so sad that I treat him this way... I can't handle it, it hurts so much when he's mad... it hurts so much to know that he's sad because the things I did or do...
He always says that I don't get his point and that I don't care about the way he's feeling, but I do... I honestly do, I swear that his feelings are the most important thing in this world and it hurts to know that he thinks I don't care about him when it's totally false.
The one here that is not understanding the others feelings is he...
He doesn't understand that I'm just so afraid of losing him that I behave the way I do.
He doesn't understand what I think of myself... I think that anyone is better, that anyone can do better, he doesn't get that I feel like I'm real shit and worthless, I feel like I'm so easy to forget and so easy to left behind and that's why I get so possessive over him, I'm always afraid that anyone take him away from me...

But he doesn't get it at all... he just thinks that I'm selfish and that I want everything done the way I want in a world where I can do everything and he can do nothing.
That's not true... I know that I like the things done the way I want and that maybe sometimes I take it a little too far, but this time is not the case.

The reason why I always want him to accept everything that I do, it's because, in my eyes, he is and always will be the only one and in my head it makes perfect sense, in my head it's fucking obvious, in my head it is obvious for him as well.
In other hand, I am really strict with the things he does, I always get mad or jealous over the littlest thing, I really can't stand it and I can't even hide it anymore, it's getting worse, now it's so impossible to act like I don't care or I don't mind... but this is cause I always see me as the worst, as the thing that anyone could left behind and I get scared that he goes away at the tiniest thing.

To get things even worse I'm not even able to explain it to him...he is right when he says that I always want everything done as I want and how unfair I am, I know I am unfair and knowing that makes me feel even worse, cause I can't change it because of my fears and insecurities.

When I try to talk to him I always try to excuse myself for everything that happens and the way I do certain things and those excuses aren't false at all, but the big truth is here, the one I always hide from him.
I can't talk about this with him, I don't like to talk, he is my fucking best friend and I can't even have a proper talk about my real feelings, how great is that, I always feel like there is something on my throat that stops me from saying anything...
I also know that if I really force myself and try to talk I will end up crying, cause it is the same thing every time we argue, or I don't say everything I want or need or I end up crying...
It really sucks, I don't want to cry in front of him, I don't want to cry because we are arguing, I don't want him to think that I'm doing that on purpose just to get him to forgive me... the times I really cried it always felt like he treated me "different" and the way he tried to calm me down looked like he was doing it because he felt bad for making me cry and I don't want things to be that way between us...

I need to calm down otherwise he will leave me...
He eventually will get tired of my shit...

...for sure...

I took my clothes off to get on my pyjamas, my clothes smelled like him... fuck... I hugged it so tight... as a cry baby I am I lost my shit and started crying like if the world was ending...
What if my world really ends???
I wish I could really hug him now...
God I love him so much...