brooklyn nine nine quotes (slow updates)

S3E4 'The Oolong Slayer'

Captain Holt: Let's not overlook the fact that he turned his crime scenes into tea parties for dollies.

Gina: Which suggests pre-adolescent trauma leading to a pattern of criminality that probably began as a juvenile.

I'm taking an abnormal psych class, and everyone in it is obsessed with me.

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Captain Holt: To catching a serial killer.

Jake: To catching a serial killer.

Gina: To Rihanna, because I love Rihanna.

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Madeline Wuntch: Oh, there it is. The shriveled husk of Raymond Holt.

Captain Holt: Look, Gina, is that a talking raisin?

Madeline Wuntch: Enough foreplay.

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Jake: (to Terry) Why do you follow people's directions when you could literally pick them up and throw them out the window?

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Captain Holt: What's going on?

Jake: Well, Gina said we couldn't be seen together, and I need your help.
Looks like we've both got a pretty bad case of jerk boss.

Captain Holt: Yes, yours is an idiot, and mine is a fork-tongued lizard witch.

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Rosa: Oh, my God. You friended the vulture?

Amy: Well, he's not telling us anything, so it was the only way to figure out what he likes.

Rosa: Maybe this will help.
He just said his favorite color is underboob.

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Jake: Okay, slayer. Prepare to go to jail for oolong time.

Captain Holt: Now say "punk."

Jake: Punk.

Captain Holt: Punk!

Jake: I said it.

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Boyle: I got the squad to volunteer a little bit of their off time to help you and your family out.
I'll make dinner once a week. Everyone else volunteered babysitting time. And Hitchcock offered massage sessions for your wife.

Sergeant Jeffords: What?

Boyle: So I pepper sprayed him.

Sergeant Jeffords: You're a good man, Charles.

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Amy: Unbelievable. What a waste of time.

Rosa: Disagree. This is an amazing use of time. We have complete control over that dummy's birthday party. We can ruin it.

Amy: Yeah, fun. I'll just mess up a captain's orders on purpose. It'll be so - I can't even fake it.

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Jake: Wow. Never thought I'd live to see Holt side with the vulture and Wuntch.
Mark the day, Gina. May 18th at 4:00 p.m.

Gina: Oh, honey. We're well into October.

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Rosa: Hiring him to play his own party is straight-up brilliant.

Amy: Yep, because everything he does is a prank on himself.

Rosa: Wow, you're an evil genius. Next time I want to hurt someone, I'm coming straight to you.

Amy: Aw, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

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Gina: Good morning.

Captain Holt: For whom?

Gina: For you-m.

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Captain Holt: If I recall correctly, the Oolong Slayer last struck five years ago.
He left behind no DNA or fingerprints, but he did leave his calling card, a tea bag in his victim's mouth.

Jake: Yeah, how cool - I mean awful is that?

Captain Holt: Very cool - I mean awful.

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Gina: My thumb drive looks like a watermelon, because I adore the summertime.

Jake: Oh, I love that.

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The Vulture: All right, sluggers.
Let's see what you got for the big b-day bash.

Amy: I thought you wanted us to surprise you.

The Vulture: It's a figure of speech, Detective Stupid-ago.

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Madeline Wuntch: And after all your so-called detective work, you didn't even get the right guy.
Raymond, Raymond, Raymond-

Captain Holt: It was an error, but-

Madeline Wuntch: Do not interrupt me.
Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, Raymond.
Seven times, once for every day your juicy, insubordinate ass is suspended.

The Vulture: Same goes for you, Peralta. Except for the juicy ass part, because your ass is stupid.

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Jake: Can I have another port?

Gina: You're still drinking that stuff?

Jake: Yeah, Holt got me hooked on it.
I even got a bottle for my house. It's really classing up the booze and take-out menus shelf.

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The Vulture: You were working a case. I freaking knew it. You're a liar.

Madeline Wuntch: And you. You can't do anything except disobey orders and screw up.

Bob: I'm disappointed, too.

Madeline Wuntch: No one cares, Bob.