I woke up in a white room. The scents unfamiliar and poisoning my nose. Shit. I have failed myself again. I sighed loudly and a ghostly voice spoke out.
"Why the big sigh," It said, the voice deep yet jolly.
I looked over beside me and saw a boy in a healthy state smiling a gummy smile, completely contrasting the deathly environment. He was obviously only here for visiting the little girl in the bed next to me. I made eye contact and was automatically was enchanted. I shook my head as if shaking the thoughts out of my head. Not wanting to break my promise to myself, I ignore him. He sighs and goes back to what he was doing beforehand.
He starts humming to himself.
"I'm hooked on a feeling, I'm high on believing." he mumbles to himself.
I didn't notice when my breathing labored. I didn't notice when hot tears threatened to fall. All i could see was my grey scale bathroom speckled with red. It polluted my brain. The song echoed in my ears just as it did my bathtub. Anger built up in my head. I can't even off myself properly. Letting my body take over, I sit up, prepared to rip the cannula in me connecting me to the IV. I didn't stop when the nurse called out and ran over to me. My thoughts drowned out my surroundings.
A pair of soft hands reached out and pulled me to safety, back into reality.
"Stop," he whispered. "calm down, it'll be okay"
His hands lightly brushed the tears streaming down my face, a new feeling sparked inside me. The waves of depression crashed into this new feeling, but instead of being engulfed and giving in, it clashed. A new reaction was set off inside. My breath hitched.
The nurse tucked me in and tried to calm me done. This took forever yet the boy stayed next to me holding my hand, allowing me to cry and struggle but also being concerned. His soothing voice kept mumbling phrases of encouragement. Soon I fell asleep.
When I wake up, I recall what had happened the night prior. Fuck.. If you couldn't tell I'm really good at fucking up first impressions. Look on the bright side, at least I would never have to see him again. I sigh as my social worker sorts out all of the discharge papers. I remain cold and unbothered as she picks up my bag. I keep my distance walking behind her, dragging my feet.
"What were you thinking?" she asks, her tone but I can tell she is sick of me at this point.
I shrug.
"You can't keep doing this,"
I increase my pace.
"We can't let u go off alone if you keep doing this,"
I clenched my fists.
"Hana," she grabbed my shoulders forcing me to stare at her directly in the eyes. "We know it's difficult but you need to just try all the things we have set up for you, counselling, therapy but you refuse all of our help. For gods sake, you have even stopped taking your medicine. You need to help yourself,promise you wont pull this shit again."
"I promise," my voice is unconvincing, she just sighs. We walk to the car in silence and get in.
"I'm gonna play my music for once," she smiles at me and I roll my eyes.
A heavy base starts playing and rap starts playing. I stare at her and she just giggles humming along. The song is surprisingly good. I listen intently as I stare out of the window for the journey, each song lyric meaning something.
