ALEXYTHYMIA...

SUFFOCATING...

"Be patient beta. Everything will fall in place if u give it time and be patient. Its okay if its hard..its okay if u feel u cant hold on any longer...its okay because if it wouldnt have been this way, you wouldn't have come this far without breaking. Yes, i agree it hurts you ....it hurts me too..but just a little while longer. I beleieve in you...and im proud of u no matter wat anyone else says and so is ur father. So be patient and smile always."
"Okay ma. I love you and i miss you!!"
"Me too darling...and ya i need better grades this time okay. Deal?"
"Hmm okay ma, i promise. "
"Okay then gudiya..ill speak to u later..take care..love u."
"Bye mi..love u too."
And as i sniffled in yet another tear..and choked on yet another cry...i cut the connection to my world. Mom.
Im used to her not being around now...and so is she but i still seem to miss her incredibly at specific moments. My older brother always told me that "..it doesnt matter when people around you question the things you do or the way you portray yourself on the outside...they dont need any explanation unless u feel necessary..but it makes a huge difference when u question yourself for anything..may it be good or bad..it matters coz u matter".
I get it ..fine..but wat if uve been pushed around to a point where you question ur very existence ? What do you do then? You cant just swallow all that down ur throat and sit there with that lingering lump of self doubt now..can you?
You cant just sit there when ur life is being frikking sucked out of u and ur suffocating to death!!!!!!
Suffocation☹☹☹. Every breath u take ...u feel it piercing through every inch of u...coz they make it so hard ...so very hard for u to have faith in humanity.
But uve got to go on..move ahead..get over...and leave behind everything for the sake of the little things and pure hearts that still wish for ur best. Its not easy. Its super tough to close ur ears and eyes and heart to all thats happening around u to find urself within the chaos that u unknowingly walked into.
At times it hurts wen u think of urself...of how u used to be and how uve changed over time. U kinda miss the old you...but its all gone now.
You snap into the harsh reality and not to forget ,the bitter beings around and ofcourse the most needed max sarcasm of this planet! ...
There..thats it...u get suffocated and choked and strangled by the hands of these living demons and then all of sudden ....it hits u so hard at one point that u crack...u hear the faint sound of ur heart breaking and then ssshhhhhhh....ur IMMUNE!!!. It doesnt matter anymore...Nothing matters...coz ur ready now. Ready like never before!