Trying

Ninth Visit

(Its edited but not well, enjoy my mistakes.)

It was yesterday. First time in about... two months? Lost count this time actually, I've been trying this thing where I don't look forward to anything. I've lost all sense of time honestly, I just wait for whatever's next now. I have to say it's not really a joyful way for me to live but if I go back to hoping I'm going to lose it.

Why do we try for people who don't try for us, sometimes it pays off. It did this time, I struck up a conversation about his birthday which is coming up, asked him what he wanted. That lead to flirting which I defiantly had to take control of, and some other things and by the end I was a giddy but tired mess of happiness, I finally got to talk to him. I waited two more days before messaging him again, asking what gift he wanted since we got distracted last time. He said he wanted to hang out and that would be a good enough gift. I was frazzled at this point, I was panicking but also trying not to think that he might come over, I played it as cool as my untidy state could and said, "yeah, no shit"... that was the little anger I did still harbour over the long silence game with him.

I asked him the same night a few hours later when he was off work next and he said the next day. To which I couldn't help but think about what would happened if he did come over. I got excited, I hoped again. I hated myself for hoping but it was already too late, it was in my head, I was fucked. The next day came and I said he could come over any time after 12, when one hit I felt the first crack in me. Two, and he still hadn't logged on or messaged me or anything, I was ready to cry again, three and that was it I was in my garage hiding from my other house mates trying to keep it together because it was the middle of the day basically, and then he messaged me. He was on his way.

I finally cried and then swore up a storm before running inside and getting ready. I hardly had time to set up where we hang out when he was at the door, it had been so long I was at a blank as to what I should say, what I could say. I wasn't sure what terms we were on at that moment. We walked into my living room, he met my house mate and then moved downstairs to which I let him play a video game I have. I slowly moved over to him as much as I could until I had to cook dinner which took about two hours so we were separated for two hours because I wasn't going to make him watch me cook. We ate and then went back down stairs and started a Shrek marathon. Very romantic clearly, it was fun we talked about when we watched it as a kids and how All Star the song should have been our graduation song. By the second movie we were cuddling which was basically all I wanted this time around, I wouldn't have said no to anything sexual but I just missed him so damn much that being held and holding him was all I needed.

Third movie we finally kissed, sloppy and wet from him but again really couldn't give a shit, it was him I just needed him. We couldn't get to the fourth Shrek movie my other house mate came home and disrupted our marathon. Ended up watching BlackMirror which I've already seen all the episodes but they both hadn't. My house mate decided to get piss drunk and be an ass the whole night with none stop talking, I tried my best to keep my cool in front of him but I snapped a few times which only caused a fight with my house mate who really just would not stop. Around five in the morning the house mate finally leaves us alone but we're both tired now, so I put on a movie and we move closer and fall asleep by six. The next day we woke up and watched some tv, I feed him, we kissed a few times while watching tv when my house mates would leave the room, these kisses were actually pretty alright, he was getting better. The best one came as a bitter sweet surprise. He had to go home to get ready for work but I don't have a car but my house mate does and they were leaving for work and could drop him off on the way. So he leaves with them and I'm sad because it really doesn't matter how much time you spend with the person you love you still miss them the second they leave anyway. He then came back about three minutes later and walks in, he forgot his phone. I wasn't expecting anything else and watched as he disappeared into the living room and then come back. The boy then pulls a fast one and says, "also forgot this" pulls me in for a kiss which, yessssssss. Finally the boy makes a bold move. Sad that that's the bold move but it was exciting none the less.

He then leaves and I'm left flustered and sad all at the same time but by the end of it I had a really amazing time. My house mate shit on it for a while but over all it was perfect. Honestly like I said in one of the other visits, were taking it slow. Even now I still can't collect my thoughts after we kiss, it feels like I'm 13 again getting my first kiss each time. I don't take it well because I'm just not used to that much raw emotion from someone, not used to giving it out. It's also like crack though, it flustered me and I can't think but it's so good when I pull away and I get to stare into his eyes for a few moments. I'm so nothing when I stop kissing him that in those moments his eyes are a world for me, their a grey blue pool surrounded by smoke, both water and smoke choke me all the same and I wish I could do that so much more often, but I'm not suppose to hope.

It's hard, but those ideas can't be what I think about all the time I have to live in the now, I've lived in the past for so long, and I've looked to the future so damn much, that I forgot how to live in the now.

One this for sure is I do love that boy... which isn't something I thought I could do, welp.