Lost ferret!

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Tuesday, April 28th

7:15 A.M.: kitchen

We can’t find Ozzy!

Sure, he’s always escaping from his cage, but usually I can find him somewhere contentedly gnawing holes in things. Not today though. I’ve searched everywhere. And worst of all, I just noticed that my window is open!

I am so worried, I can barely get ready for school. In fact, I shouldn’t be going to school; I should be roaming the streets, rattling bags of Ferret Feast, knocking on doors, and breaking into people’s garages. But Mom insists that I go to school.

I currently have 100 percent attendance, and if I keep it up, the school will pay for me to go to the Junior Prom, thus saving Mom about fifty measly bucks. Basically, if I were in the advanced stages of pneumonia, she’d stuff a cough drop in my mouth and push me out the door.

2:45 P.M.

I text Mom on my way home from school to see if Ozzy has been found. I have already secretly texted her in math, English, and chemistry. She was not amused, but this is what she gets for making me go to school. Anyway, it turns out that Ozzy is still missing, so I must now do what I should have done eight hours ago.

The first door I knock on belongs to old Mr. Marshall — sadly in no way related to the manufacturers of Marshall amps. Mr. Marshall comes to the door in his plaid slippers and baggy brown pants. He stinks of lavender for some reason, but I push this to the back of my mind.

“Um, hi, Mr. Marshall,” I say. “I don’t suppose you’ve seen Ozzy on your travels.”


“Ozzy, my ferret. He’s missing.”

“Have you looked down yer pants?” says Mr. Marshall.

“Excuse me?” I say.

“Down yer pants, son! That’s where he’ll be.”

“Um, sorry. What?”

Mr. Marshall leans closer. “I always keep a ferret down my pants. You never know when you’re gonna get lucky!”

I’m not sure if Mr. Marshall is senile, perverted, or just has a very warped sense of humor. Maybe the constant reek of lavender has mutated his brain. Anyway, he’s about as much use as a condom made of bubble wrap, so I go to the next house.

And the next. And the next.

No one has seen Ozzy.

READERS: Ozzy, the ferret, has gone missing. Has your pet ever escaped? Did you find him/her?

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⏰ Last updated: Jul 31, 2014 ⏰

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