Many Words In Silence

Chapter 21

"You may now ask whatever questions you have. I don't know much, but I am sure you have lots of questions and we can always find out for you."

Sam finally reached out to pick up the book that was lying on the floor. He smoothed his hand over the cover, looking at it, as if he wanted to give me some privacy while I decided if there was anything I wanted to know.

"Does she know where I live?" I ask. The last thing I wanted was to face her again. I didn't want her showing up on my doorstep ever again.

"No. She's under the impression that you still live here. I have to admit that I might have lied to her, telling her that you were in New York City, talking to your publishers about a new book deal," Sam said smiling. I could see he was impressed with the story he made up.

"So she knows I write?" I asked more to myself that to Sam.

"Everybody knows you write. Your story was on the front page of every paper, and with each of your books it made the front page again. They do get the newspaper and even books in prison," Sam said allowing himself a slight chuckle.

"You can toss her number. I'm not interested," I say to Sam. I am surprised by how fine I am and how good I am taking the news that my mother is out in the world again. "I really don't want anything to do with her. Ever."

"She's still your mother Elijah. You should think carefully before making any rash decisions that you might regret later on," Sam said in his teacher's voice. He had a certain voice he used when a student got only half of the answer right, as if he was trying to nudge them into the correct answer.

"I don't have to think about it. I never want to see her again, and I am not interested in her explanations either." I know I was being stubborn, but I was also being honest about how I was feeling.

"Just remember, she is still your mother," Sam said as she moved closer to the edge of his chair.

"She's nothing to me. She's a woman who gave birth to me. Nothing more and nothing less. You have done more for me than what she ever did."

I was serious about this. Yes, sure, she clothed me and fed me. She made sure I had everything I needed, but she also knew I had a huge problem. A problem that was because of my father. She made me believe she had no idea what I was going through, while she was covering up for him. A man that left her. She was just as guilty as him. If not more. My dad got out of dodge. He didn't just sit and watch while his child went backward, slipping through the cracks. She did.

"Let's just say that I understand and respect your decision," Sam replied.

"You don't agree with me?" I asked stunned.

"Not completely. I still feel the way I did when you were sixteen. I feel she should have a chance to explain herself before you make the final judgment. I would've listened to her first and then made a decision."

I could feel his eyes piercing me, even after I bowed my head because of how interesting my shoe laced were.

"But you're not me and you have no idea how I feel," I mutter back to him under my breath.

"No I don't, but I know that life is short and sometimes we regret not saying the things that needed to be said."

"Like what?" I said as I looked him straight in the eyes. What could he possibly have to regret in his life? Not having children? Not trying to run for president? From what I know he had it all. Always had it all.

"Elijah... There's been a lot of things I never told you... and..." He fell silent for a moment, focussing his eyes on what I was sure was the bookcase behind me, before he looked back at me and said; "Don't worry... It's not important. It doesn't matter."

"No!" I raise my voice. If there is one thing I hate it is when someone starts to say something and then does not complete the thought. "Say what you wanted to say."

"Rather not," Sam says as he pressed his hand over his eyes and shakes his head. "It will only create problems."

"Just spill it please. You know how I get. If you don't say it I will never be able to sleep tonight."

He looks at me a very long time before he gives a sigh and closes his eyes before words comes from his mouth. Almost as if he doesn't want to see my face when he tells me what is on his heart.

"Why do you think I took you in when everything went down back then?" he asks keeping his eyes shut, waiting for an answer.

"Because you cared about me for some reason?" I answer. I don't understand what this has to do with everything. At the time I wondered, but caring about each other has long past wiped these types of questions from my mind.

"Maybe I cared too much..." Sam muttered still keeping his eyes closed.

"What do you mean?" I ask, now more confused than I have ever been.

"I was in love with you. I was in love with a student."

It falls like an anvil on my head, dropping down through my chest and landing in my shoes. Whatever he was going to tell me, this was the very last thing I could have ever expected.

I watched him in silence until he opened his eyes, looked at me and continued talking.

"I was young when I started giving school. You were in the class of the third year I taught. When I saw you the first time you were so different. But it didn't happen just then. Sure I was intrigued. Who would not have been? I mean, a boy with a black cross over his lips that never speaks? It's strange. But then somehow I got to know you and your opinion. The way you wrote the essay about a great influence in your life. You wrote about My Chemical Romance and the implication of the brutal honesty in their songs. I remember you said that they had a way with words to the extent that you can truly know someone better than they know themselves just by listening to their favourite songs from the bad. You ended the essay with three songs, and after I listened to them I knew you were much deeper than what anybody could ever imagine."

I shook my head. I could not understand why on earth he was telling me this. Sure, he wasn't that much older than me, and yes, we had much more of a brother relationship than that of an adult guardian and adopted child, but still. The time he is talking about I was his student and he was the teacher.

"When everything happened and Blake died and I saw you outside the hospital, all broken I knew for sure. You would never love someone again soon. Not after what had happened to you. But I finally had you in my life. Maybe you would never love me back, and for certain you would never fall in love with me, but I could at least be your friend. At least be there for you in the moment when it counted the most."

I could not understand what I was hearing. How on earth could he have fallen in love with me? Was this even normal? Why was I okay with this revelation of his? Why didn't he tell me sooner? Would my life have turned out very differently if he did tell me?

"Why are you telling me all of this now?" I ask.

"Because Elijah... I don't want any regrets..." Sam whispers.

"But why now, after all this time. After you have found Michael?" I ask again. I know he loves Michael. I can see it every time Michael walks into a room and Sam's face lights up.

"Because I'm dying..."