Uneven {Lams}

Chapter Twenty

It's official.
I'm a lizard.

Update: I showed my friend the picture of me in the bandana and he said, "yOurE a LiZaRd HaRrY"
I'm a lizard wizard.

Update: I started wheezing after writing 'lizard wizard'

Alex Pov
I paced my room. Why did I say that? Why would I tell him that? Of course he didn't know what to say, he's John for Christ's sake! And John, is the kind of guy that instead of crying would rather keep it inside, or shout but never show any emotion, so why should I be surprised when he doesn't know how to react?!

God kill me please.

I sat down on my bed, burying my head in my hands. I'm such a fucking idiot. I mean I'm not when you put it in retrospect but I'm depressed so I'm going to be all upset real quick.

You know what?
It's not worth it.

I've been rejected before.
It's not worth crying about.

I wiped my nose, sighing. Nothing really is worth it anymore is it?   I grabbed my bag, rummaging through it until I found a pack of cigarettes, looking at them wondering how it came to this.

Doesn't matter.

I stood up, stuffing them in my pocket, wincing slightly as the rim of my pocket brushed my knuckles. I walked out of my room, John and I making short eye contact.

"Where ya headed?"
He asked.

I shrugged.
Anywhere but here.

"Might go see Tom. I think it's time I do that." I told him.

"Don't be out too late," He hummed. "You're not my dad," I said, walking out the door.

I walked out of the dorm and out onto campus. The second I was off Kings, there was a cigarette in my mouth and thoughts of hate and disregard in my mind.

~•~•~•~

I found myself at The Stevens apartment, knocking on the door.

"Ed, get that would you?"
I heard Tom say.

I took a drag of my cigarette, wondering how I got past the front desk with a cig in my mouth.
It was a moment before the lock clicked and the door was open.

"Hello? Oh fuck it's you."
Ed said in surprise.

I shrugged.
"Did ya think I died?" I asked him.

"Nah. You aren't the guy to die without a cause. And if you died then I'd be dead ten years before." He said.

"Tis True," I hummed.
"Come in," Ed said, opening the door wider.

I smirked, walking in and tossing out my cig after in proved useless.

"Ed who the hell did you let in this time?" Tom asked from his room.

He walked out and looked to me with quite the unreadable expression.

"You."

I smirked, shrugging.
"Me."

"What the hell happened to your face?" He asked.

"Oh thanks Tom."
I muttered.

Ed snorted while Tom scoffed.
I snickered.

"Nah, I've been doing better, I promise." I said.

"It doesn't look like it," Tom said, furrowing his eyebrows, tilting his head a bit.

"I promise," I repeated with a smile.
"I don't think you should trust him Tom. He's a liar." Ed said, sitting down on the couch.

"I ain't a liar asshole," I hissed.

"Are too."
"Am not!"
"Wow, you're even lying to yourself."

Tom chuckled.
"And to think I missed the bickering. Some things never change, do they?" Tom asked.

"The good things never change." I said.
Tom smiled, shaking his head.

"God I missed you kid," Tom said, hugging me.

"Wish I could say the same," I said.

After I said that, Tom slapped me in the side of the head.

We pulled away and I hopped up and sat on the kitchen counter.

"How old are you now? Three?"
Tom asked.

"Yeah, three heads taller than you."
I said.

Ed snorted.
"We're the same height dumbass."
Tom deadpanned.

I laughed.
I never realized how much I missed these guys.

"You sure you're alright? I mean..you look pretty busted." Tom said with concern.

"I'm fine," I assured.
"It's strange hearing you without the stutter." Tom noted.

I glared at him.

We don't talk about that.
I didn't hate it (it was more of a strong dislike, not necessarily hate per say)
but I just..
don't like to talk about that.

"Yeah okay."
I muttered.

"Anyway, do you have yourself some college romance?" He asked.

I rubbed my eyes.
"God don't remind me," I said, exasperated.

"You aren't dating anyone?" Ed asked.
"Haven't been dating anyone for a while. What, you?" I asked.

"Nah. But that's okay, I don't mind."
Ed said.

I gave a short nod. I considered leaving. But I would rather be anywhere if it means not being near John. Awful, I know, but I decided I don't want to talk through emotions. That's the last thing I want.

I fell for him a long time ago.
I fell too soon.
I fell too hard.

I tried to push it all away, and it worked. Kind of. Sort of.

And then I gave up.
And I told him.
It took five fucking years to tell him.

It took four girlfriends, one boyfriend and a friend with benefits later to tell him.

And after all that?
What did I even expect?

I expect nothing and I'm still let down.

"I'm gonna go." I said.
Tom looked disappointed.

"Good riddance Hamilton!" Ed exclaimed from the couch.

I snickered.
"Yeah okay Eddie." I said, walking out of the apartment listening to their sounds of goodbye.

Can I just die?
Please?
If I die, I'm just being honest here, the problem would be gone.
I'm just being honest.

So I could go talk to John and face my fear of rejection like a boss or, I could run away from that fear and stay with Laf or something.

You know what?
Fuck that fear.

Fuck it in the ass.
Without a condom and lube.

Fear?
Who's she?
Never heard of her.

Let's go.