My Thoughts

Joy

Joy, I don't remember what that feels like. I can't remember a time when I was truly happy. I'm sure there was one, at some point when I was young. Before everything went to shit. Not there's the numbness that consumes me from the inside out. When the numbness recedes, I'm left with a shattered heart and a handful of emotions that do me no good.

Misery, it slowly eats away at me, sapping me of all my energy and my will. My will to live left a long time ago, now I cling to that sliver of hope that someday I will remember what it's like to be flooded with unwavering bliss and warmth. It's all I have left now, and I see it in the few that stand by my side.

Anger, just unbridled hatred for those that reject the very idea of who I am, those that try and change me, mold me to fit their standards. The ones that try and twist my bones and carve my flesh to perfection. They don't realize the damage it does, and if they do they don't care. Those scars remain forever, as will the damage they've done.

Anxiety, the overwhelming fear that I will be alone, that no one can ever feel the same crippling pain that echoes through my chest every time I go to to take a breath. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy The pressure that everyone I've ever loved will see that I will never be good enough for them, that I'm not worthy of their love and kindness. That it is all wasted on me, rather than those who actually deserve it.

The mind numbing loneliness that has be instilled in me since I was a child. Because everyone leaves, whether it be through death, betrayal, boredom, annoyance, hatred or disgust, they always slip away, out of sight by never out of mind. It's my nature to be rejected, by my parents, old friends, role models, partners, and anyone who can't stand the sight of me.

That undeniable heartache that drowns my mind body and soul whenever I allow my thoughts to wander. It hurts. It hurts so fucking badly. I wish I could just end it all, never have to see the light of another day and drift into a peaceful oblivion, and maybe see the ones that I've lost along the way. Just to give in and forget it all.

The soul crushing combination of all the pain I've endured in my short, short life. There are much worse things than what I've felt, but I've never had the misfortune to experience them. So this is all I've got. This hole in my heart, because I know something is missing.

There are walls up for a reason. I learned the hard way that not everyone can be trusted, so I didn't trust anyone for a really long time. I held my secrets in for years, hell I still do. I bottle my emotions, cry only when I'm alone, and avoid letting to many people in. Then I can't get hurt again. Then I don't have to face the past, or explain why I'm so fucked up.

It's easier, because vulnerability is terrifying. Letting your guard down gives people a chance to hurt you, leave permanent marks on you skin. But it can also free you if you find the right people. Only time will tell. Getting hurt is the only way to lead you to a better place. Better friends, and a family of your own design.

My family isn't connected by blood. It hasn't been for a long time. My family is the ones that accept me, as messed up as I am, and don't ask questions. They are the ones that stick my me thick and thin, because blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb. You don't get to choose your family, because they choose you, whether it be at birth or later in life.

And to believe I'm one of the lucky ones. Grasping onto that hope for my friends, family. Because I can name a handful of people who may actually care if I disappear. I'm to much of a coward at this point to do it anyway. Thinking about it is one thing, following threw is so much harder.

So day in and day out, I let the sun and the moon trade off their places in the sky, and I let the illusion of life fade into the background, passing the time with things to distract me for my own mind. Because your mind is one of the most dangerous this, especially when it leads you astray.

As much as I don't remember true joy, I get glimmers from time to time. Laughing with friends, smiling at their happiness. Reading a story that gives you a little bit of light. Seeing an act of random kindness. Those things help fill the void and fuel this broken soul to not give up just yet. It's not my time, and I'm grateful for the life I get to live, even if not ideal. My past is tainted, my present bearable, and my future unmarked. So just keep living.