Jessie's Boy [boyxboy]

thirteen | mistakes

T H I R T E E N | M I S T A K E S

In light of my newfound crush on Jeremiah, I didn't stay long at his house. Of course, my first instinct was to try my best to get rid of my crush on Jeremiah.

I never dated, ever. The one boyfriend I had had been just when I'd started experimenting, he was so far into the closet that he wouldn't even kiss me around my gay friends in fear that they'd out him. That coupled with toxic masculinity and topped with an even deeper internalized homophobia had him pushing all frustration onto me and he was the only guy I'd ever been interested in.

I was naive back then but after many many escapades in the name of sexual discovery and being sexually active with many different types of gay, I had realized that I wasn't interested in dating. And all the bullshit of first loves was just as bullshit as the hype over first kisses, it just wasn't gonna happen for me.

And here was Jeremiah, making me think the opposite, having me falling for him when all I wanted from this was a quick fuck. That was dangerous, he was becoming dangerous and I had no intention on fucking up a good thing so I'd distanced myself. I'd been playing with him and playing myself and it simply wasn't a game anymore maybe that's how I found myself at Ofie's later that day.

Nas had been busy and I honestly wanted to talk to someone, someone who wasn't going to be judgmental and I loved Nassir, I did. But he wasn't going to understand, the boy lived in a world where he believed that love was attainable for people like us and he would push me forward to actually letting myself fall for Jeremiah further, Ofie wouldn't.

Ofie's home was different from Nas and mine.

He'd had his own place, deciding it would be a better situation with his mom and since he'd been an emancipated minor, he was easily able to live on his own. The guy had a job -a substantial way to make money- and he was very independent. Nas wouldn't tell me but I knew that this was a reason why he didn't want to get serious with Ofie, he wasn't ready for commitment with the guy who was already an established individual.

And honestly, I didn't blame him.

I'd been dropped off there by Jeremiah, he'd been a little quiet on the ride over and I felt the need to assure it was just a friend but I didn't.

I was single, there was no reason to be cautious around his feelings because we didn't have feelings for each other... we fucked twice, that was it. And that was as far as it was gonna get, I wasn't gonna let myself get too wrapped up in a boy, never.

-

Sitting in Ofie's apartment, we'd watched a movie instead of talking at first. I was just trying to decipher my own feelings, get them together before stating anything. At some point during the movie, however, he'd ended up sliding closer to me, throwing an arm around my neck and I wasnt even paying much attention to the movie nor to the way he was rubbing my arm. It was comforting, our group was close enough to fuck, we were definitely close enough to hug each other.

I'd sunk into his chest, my heart pounding at the thought of Jeremiah and thinking about him in this situation might've given Ofie the wrong idea. Sighing, I thought of the way he looked at me as he was dropping me off, there was something so different about today, since waking up, I'd felt something off in his actions. He was more touchy today, whether we were playing games or even in the car, his fingertips would dance across my thighs and it was easy when I was only in his shirt and a pair of basketball shorts that were a bit too small for him. He'd offered to let me keep them but that felt too much like leading him on so I'd ended up switching into my own clothes as we parked in front of Ofie's apartment building.