hopeless || phan [complete]

chapter 25

dan had sworn to himself he wouldn't agonize over his outfit just for a date. but standing in front of his closet, he realized he should have been. 

why did he not have anything that looked halfway decent? dan pulled out t-shirt after t-shirt, for once less concerned about the mess he would have to clean up later. everything was either gray or black, and worn. pj sat on dan's bad cross-legged as dan frantically searched, looking at him pityingly. dan quickly got irritated with pj's lack of input.

"wait," pj said suddenly. "don't you have that pink sweater i made you get last year? it probably still fits, and you haven't worn it much." he looked at dan accusingly, but dan was already rummaging through drawers for that forgotten sweater. pj grinned, pleased with himself.

"found it!" 

the sweater fit him perfectly and by pj's suggestion, dan paired it with a pair of light gray jeans. and of course, the pink converses finished off the outfit nicely. pj pretended to wipe away a tear.

"i feel like i'm giving you away at your wedding," pj joked. 

"get out of here, pj," dan said, rolling his eyes.

"what, no thank you? your outfit would have been a disaster without me, and you know it-"

"thank you, pj" dan said so earnestly, that pj had to do a double take. slowly, a smile overtook him.

"you're very welcome, dan," pj said. "i hope the date goes well. and if phil fucks up, i won't hesitate to fuck him up." 

pj left soon after, and dan nervously made his way down the stairs, hoping he wouldn't be intercepted by his mother. that didn't go to plan.

"dan? where are you going, dressed up like that?" his mother appeared from the kitchen, giving him a tired smile. dan was used to the rush of unconditional love that overtook him whenever his mother was around, but this time it blistered his heart. for the first time, dan felt guilt.

as a mother, she was overjoyed that dan was starting to feel. but dan never took into account how painful the past sixteen years must have been for her, how disregarding he was of her. he tried to push it away, knowing it wasn't his fault, exactly, but it was a boulder too heavy to push.

so dan turned back to his mother. "i'm going to go- er," he began, and found himself unable to lie. she raised an eyebrow.

"my word, is this a date you're going on, daniel?" she asked with a slightly more mischievous smile. dan didn't appreciate the way his pulse jumped into his throat.

"yes," dan said. it came out like a squeak.

"name?"

"phil."

confusion, surprise, shock- it was all there. but dan didn't expect the recovery period to be so short, quickly transforming into warm acceptance.

"i want to meet him," she told him. "i want to see who's making my boy happy and dress up so handsomely." for a second, she looked like she was about to reach her arms out to hug dan, but then decided against it. dan impulsively moved forward, and after a slight hesitation he wrapped his arms around her.

dan swallowed against sudden tears as her arms slowly encircled him fearfully, tenderly. why had he never done this? something inside him stirred, and he said the one thing he knew his mother wanted to hear most, the one thing he wished he could have said to her every day. he pulled away.

"love you, mum," he said, and pretended not to see the tears well up in her eyes. she patted his head as though he were a little boy, and smiled gently.

"go have fun," she said. "be back by eleven."

dan left the house, his heart somehow lighter and fuller at the same time, feeling as though he could fly to the moon.

blast off.